DD16 and friends going to a festival

[FrazzledLuce]

DD is 16 and has tickets to Greenman Festival in a few weeks with her three friends, also 16. We've been to festivals as a family before but this is her first time without parents. Last year her and her friends decided they wanted to do a festival on their own this summer and Greenman was their choice based on their shared music tastes from looking at the previous lineups. I was sort of relieved as it looks quite gentle and not Reading or similar. I'm on good terms with all the friend's mums and we all agreed that this looked like a good thing for them and we were happy for them to go. As it turned out under 18s can't go on their own and they have to have an adult with them. My other DD who is 22 said she and her girlfriend (24) would go with them as they were thinking of going anyway. I put this option to all the other mums in the group and all were happy with it. The girls have been excited about this for months now, getting their camping stuff, their clothes and making playlists etc.

We get to last week, a month before the festival starts and friend's mum messages me to ask when I'll be picking them up and how long the drive is and a load of other questions. I said that they were getting the train and neither me nor DH are going and, as we arranged, they are going with my other DD and her girlfriend. Other mum says she was never informed of this (she was, I have the text messages) and assumed parents would be there (never indicated this at all). Presented with the evidence she changes her story to say she was fine with it but now she's not and doesn't think 16 year olds should be going alone (they're not) and is going to look to get tickets via people reselling them for her, her DH and her DS12 and they are all going to go as a family. Obviously this is not what DD or her friends want, and now daughter of this mum says she doesn't want to go if it's a family trip and DD and other friends don't want to go unless they all go and there's a whole load of drama.

I am really not sure what to do here and this other mum has put thoughts into my head that weren't there before and which I'm not sure I agree with but are nibbling at me constantly. DD22 and her girlfriend have offered to come and meet all the mums (the other two don't have an issue with this btw) and put the one who is worried at ease. Mum causing the drama has said she'd like this but no guarantee they still won't want to go as well. Has asked all sorts of questions about my daughter and her girlfriend, some of which are reasonable, some of which are intrusive and some of which I find a bit offensive, but DD22 is close with her sister and wants her and her friends to have the experience they wanted to so is going along with it. I think the other mum doesn't realise that there is an important element to this beyond just going to the festival, this is their first girls trip without us and that is what was agreed to happen.

But I've now got it into my head that maybe other mum is right, although heart of hearts I don't think she is. Not helped by DH deciding that he thinks he might agree with her. This annoys me because to me it says he doesn't trust DD22 to look after her sister and because his reasoning is DD and friends are "highly strung" and need more supervision than other 16 year olds. I don't agree with this and think "highly strung" is often just a way for people to demean sensitive young women. I'm not a decisive person and I am easily swayed by the opinions of others and this whole thing is stressing me out.

I'm sorry this is all very long and rambly and I'm not sure really what advice I am looking for, I genuinely don't know, I'm sort of praying other mum and family can't get resale tickets or relent, but maybe I am in the wrong and this was just a stupid idea to begin with, and I feel bad as they were all so looking forward to this.

Really feel for you OP. This is a dilemma and I’m not sure what the ‘right’ answer is either. Your arrangement of your older DD and friend to act as the over 18 companions etc is a good one, and the other poster who suggested parents camping elsewhere and having a daily check in was also a good idea.
It’s tricky to negotiate these late teenage years. Once you start questioning it, it’s easy to worry about the risks to 16 year olds from festivals and I think quite hard to put them in a different category to going clubbing for example, which usually isn’t recommended for 16 year olds.
whatever the outcome, I hope you will be able to get through the deliberations without the youngsters falling out, or their parents. At the end of the day there will be other chances to go to festivals, if it’s not this year then maybe in a year or two’s time.
If they do go, I hope they have a wonderful time and keep safe.

The organisers say an adult has to be there. DD22 is an adult. She is very responsible and is very close to her sister and I feel she is an adult. I am not asking her to look after the girls, she has offered, am I doing the wrong thing do you think? This now makes me worried. I just want the girls to have a good time.

I think some of the posts about the other mum are harsh. It's natural to agree to something months in advance and then start worrying about it when the time comes. I think 16yo is young to go to a festival on your own, and 22/24yo is young to be supervising four 16yos. I'm not saying I wouldn't allow it but I think it is young. I did let my 17yo DS go to a festival this summer, but I was worried about him until he was safely home. I agree it's a pain that she agreed and has then changed her mind, it's a shame she didn't think of all this ages ago, I'm just saying that I can see her point of view.

She’s a mentalist

If you don’t want your 16y old to go to a festival, then you say No

Don’t project your shit onto other parents who are managing it in an appropriate way

OP, are you really saying you want DD22 to take full responsibility for a group of 16yps?

You can’t have it both ways. Either DD22 owns it - what if something does happen to another child? Is that really fair? - or the 16yos are there alone. Everyone needs to be clear on this point because the other parents will be very tricky if something does go wrong - your DD22 will be in the firing line.

This is what I feel. I'd felt it was fine was for the girls to go on their own and this mum has made it difficult. I want the girls to have fun. They're nice girls and my other DD will look after them and I haven't made them, she wants to look after her sister. I feel like a terrible mum because of this other mum and I just feel like she's made me out to be awful. But they can go as far as I'm concerned. Maybe I'm a bad mum.

Isn't she mad though, they're 16 and I want her to go and have fun. I'm not projecting. It's not me being odd about this

You sound stressed, OP, hold your nerve and be assertive. It would be easier if problem parent's kid just dropped out.
.

FrazzledLuce

i don’t think you’re projecting! She the mad one 😬

She's overprotective and will ruin the dynamic. An adult is going, your dd. Tell her to sell her dd's ticket.

The other mum is being overprotective, please don't question yourself OP. Green man festival is about as nice and gentle as they come. Like a pp said, it's not like it's Reading or Leeds!

Your DDs sound lovely too, you have nothing to worry about from the sounds of things.

Just keep it low key. The last thing you want to do is make this stressful for your DD’s or the other girls. It’s a great opportunity to show them that you trust them and value them growing in independence.

Your oldest dd sounds awesome. I agree that she shouldn’t go out of her way to meet the difficult parent.

Go ahead with everything as planned. No drama. If the difficult mum insists on going, make it clear that the rest of the girls will be camping separately with your older dd. Again - all low key, but just being clear from the start. I fear the difficult mums dd is going to end up missing out, but that’s not on you.

I had a near identical first heavy metal festival experience at 15 with my friends older DSis. My twat friend went off on her own and came back to explain that 45 year old 'Robert' wanted to come back to her tent to talk about 'kickboxing' with her and show her some new moves. The DSis told Robert what he could do with his moves and sent him packing, telling him that if he kept trying to get close to teenagers then she would alert security (who were all her mates as she worked security).
Good times!
The other mums being over protective but don't get involved. Just send your lovely DD's off to have a good time.

All the kids go to reading/Leeds after GCSEs these days. Hell I went after mine! I wouldn’t pander to the other mum. Tell her to sell her kids ticket and your daughter and her other friends go and have a good time. Yeah it’s crap for the friend who’s missing out. But she needs to take that up with her overbearing mother.
Shut down the family holiday idea she either goes with her friends or not at all

My youngest Ds (16) is going abroad to Europe for 3 days next week with his two friends. All 3 sets of parents agreed that we felt there should be an element of supervision for safety so my eldest DS (19) and his best mate are going too. It will be legal for the 16 year olds to drink beer and wine there. I trust my 19 year old completely to deal with any situation that arises and would have no issues with them all going to a festival same as yours - it's just significantly cheaper for them to go abroad instead!