DD struggling Socially

[onebusymum]

My DD (13) is struggling socially at school, she has just finished year 9, in an all girls school.
She had a group of friends, a few left for other schools so that left four of them, the other three wanted to join a bigger group, but DD struggled with the larger group, about ten girls all together.
She basically told the original girls she needed time to adjust to the bigger group and they all turned on her.
She stuggles with anxiety after several family deaths within a few years and finds friendships hard.
She has made friends with some other girls, but just doesn't feel as though she belongs anymore, she said she has nothing in common with these girls.
It has broke my heart the last few weeks to see her so upset and struggling with her anxiety, getting her into school has beeb so hard.
She goes to dance out of school and she is a totally different person, very sociable and enjoys going. She is spending her birthday in August with these girls.
I just feel that she hasn't found her people at school yet.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that mumsnet has helped me see that it's common with her age and maybe not stress so much over her, she will find her way in her own time.

Hi
just wanted to give you some support. Your daughter sounds lovely and has friends at dance which is great. She will find her group in time. Can you do any activities with her over the summer with any of the girls from school one on one?
I wish you both lots of luck x

@Lilactimes aah thanks she is lovely, although can be a typical stroppy teen at times!
I've suggested she does something with the girls from school, maybe bowling as I don't want her not to see anyone and be very anxious when September comes around of going back, but she said she doesnt feel as though she knows them properly and I think she fears more rejection.

It's excellent she has the dancing outside school.

Personally I'd let her see or not see the school people as she chooses, it's fine either way. The more agency she has the better.

Hope the situation settles down for her.

@calmcoco thanks for uour reply, yes she's so happy at dance like a different girl.
I know ultimately its her decision what to do.
She starts some anxiety mentoring today, so hopefully that will help

Hi @onebusymum - I know this is an old thread but I just wondered how things have turned out for your DD a couple of years down the line? My DD13 is socially anxious and struggling with friendships at school. I'm finding it difficult to know how to manage and looking for any inspiration / strategies!

Thought I would reply as we had a horrific time when my DD was 12/13. It's really common at this age but does get better! Often from year 9.

My DD was ostracised by best friends from primary, all driven by one girl who the others followed. They told lies about DD when kids asked why they'd fallen out with her and she developed terrible social anxiety. She moved classes away from the original friends but it was really difficult for her to branch out because she was so self conscious and felt that people didn't like her.

We got therapy for her from a clinical psychologist which was amazing. We got it through work private healthcare - it was around £100 a session so not cheap but totally worth it if you have private healthcare or can afford it.

I think she had 16 therapy sessions -didn't need the full 20 she could have had and was like a different person by the end of them. Still quiet and shy but not totally self conscious all the time etc. She gradually made friends.

She's now 16, in a group of about 6 close friends and a wider group of about 10 girls. It does get better as they mature but it is hell at the time. If your DD has low confidence/ social anxiety I'd recommend getting her help before her sense of self gets too damaged. Good luck x