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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD self harming - change of school?

15 replies

jambutterscone · 15/07/2023 11:39

Hi all,

I hope you're well. I need some practical advice on how to change schools immediately after holidays.

DD (year 7) started self-harming after coming to this new secondary school which we didn't like in the first place, but was the only school that accepted her in the neighbourhood. First, we thought the self-harm may be because of DD's anxiety and previous primary bullying experience, but I've done some digging and we've come to know that it all comes from a group of girls at her secondary school who seem to be very popular and are glamorising self-harm and posting it on social media. She doesnt have a phone yet (because we know how easily she can get influenced), but she uses her brother's phone sometimes when he's not there and chats with her friends. We've now decided to move her to a different school for the new term after summer, but have absolutely no idea how to go on about this as aren't school allocations decided by the council? What would be the best way to change schools after holidays, if anyone knows ASAP? We just do not want her to go back to that school ever again as even in general, in terms of academics, the school's not great.

DD is also currently abroad as we thought a change of environment would be beneficial for her and away from those groups of girls. So, we'd need to pay the fine as well, which we knew about and are willing to. But, in these circumstances, how can we talk to the current school about moving her to a different one?

Serious advice much appreciated on how to handle this effectively.

Thank you.

OP posts:
LIZS · 15/07/2023 11:43

You need to make an In Year application. How quickly this may be processed depends on LA and whether the proposed school has vacancies. Does your dd want to change school though? It may not work out unless she is on board and there may be similar groups there.

MrsSchrute · 15/07/2023 11:45

Look on your local council website, there should be really clear instructions on how to do an in year application.
Also, call the schools you are interested in and ask if they have any spaces in yr 8.

Original poster
jambutterscone · 15/07/2023 11:46

LIZS · 15/07/2023 11:43

You need to make an In Year application. How quickly this may be processed depends on LA and whether the proposed school has vacancies. Does your dd want to change school though? It may not work out unless she is on board and there may be similar groups there.

Thank you! Yes, DD is okay with it. We have talked about it with her, and she seems fine. But, I was wondering in case she does not get the place when the autumn term starts, how reasonable / feasible is it to wait for the place to be open and not send her to the current school when it re-opens?

OP posts:
pastypirate · 15/07/2023 11:48

Hi op gosh this sounds very difficult and frightening. Have you spoken to gp? I wouldn't be accepting a fine for non attendance in these circumstances. No way!

Re transferring yy to pp you need to go through in year admissions through your local authority. I would give them a call and explain circumstances as advice from a human on the phone might help you more.

I don't dissuade from the school change I think I would feel the same as I have 10 and 13 year old dds.

You also need a camhs referral it's a self referral in my La but unsure of others. Ours also has a crisis line.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Social contagions like this are very scary,

I would speak to current school as well it's a big safeguarding issue.

pastypirate · 15/07/2023 11:48

Also admissions team at La will work through the holidays so call them Monday

Original poster
jambutterscone · 15/07/2023 11:50

Thank you. I am just looking at the in year applications right now.

Also, I'm wondering whether it would be wise to mention / include self-harm as one of the reasons for changing the schools when applying to the other schools, if it may provide a higher chance for the school or council to accept her, or am I wrong in assuming that?

OP posts:
Original poster
jambutterscone · 15/07/2023 11:53

pastypirate · 15/07/2023 11:48

Hi op gosh this sounds very difficult and frightening. Have you spoken to gp? I wouldn't be accepting a fine for non attendance in these circumstances. No way!

Re transferring yy to pp you need to go through in year admissions through your local authority. I would give them a call and explain circumstances as advice from a human on the phone might help you more.

I don't dissuade from the school change I think I would feel the same as I have 10 and 13 year old dds.

You also need a camhs referral it's a self referral in my La but unsure of others. Ours also has a crisis line.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Social contagions like this are very scary,

I would speak to current school as well it's a big safeguarding issue.

Thank you for your support.

We don't know what else to do with the fine situation tbh. She went abroad earlier this week and we found out about this only yesterday, so there was no way we could inform the school about the self-harm influence from the other girls.

In terms of contacting the LA, are the in year applications not supposed to be directly to the other schools, or do we have to go through a council process?

When speaking to the schools, we currently have a few names of the girls. I was thinking of having a meeting with one of the authorities at the school, but I'm not sure how much to disclose and if it's okay to bring in her friends' names, etc. into this?

OP posts:
LIZS · 15/07/2023 12:16

In Year are usually via LA but you may be able to check place availability online in some areas or call the school. Is school still open (you mention a fine for non attendance) if so report the sh to Head of Year as it may not only be your dd affected and flag safeguarding issues.

Original poster
jambutterscone · 18/07/2023 10:57

Hi - so thought I'd just give an update. We've talked to another school for in-year admission, however, for some reason, they've said to apply in September when schools re-open. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware of this as I thought the sooner you apply, the more the chances to get your child in. As in this situation, if I do wait for September, she will have to re-go to her current school and then wait for a bit. Just wondering if anyone knows whether that's the process followed by most authorities / schools, or should I do something about it (I know it differs based on each LA, but just to know whether this advice is reasonable!).

Thank you to anyone who has contributed so far. Much appreciated.

OP posts:
LIZS · 18/07/2023 12:22

You can apply any time of year, via LA. There may be a delay due to summer break but it would at least be in process.

Original poster
jambutterscone · 18/07/2023 20:43

LIZS · 18/07/2023 12:22

You can apply any time of year, via LA. There may be a delay due to summer break but it would at least be in process.

Thank you!
Unfortunately, most of the schools are saying that it's very hard to get a place in the school. I really don't want to send my child back into that school after the summer break, but have no idea what other option I have. She's absolutely dreading it as well. I just hope something comes our way, fingers crossed.

OP posts:
MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 18/07/2023 21:05

Just to make you aware, self harm is prevalent everywhere, in every high school. Both of my daughters did it and they were perfectly happy balanced children at primary school. High school is such a different culture to primary. They’re exposed to so many new things and not all good. Both of mine have come through it thanks to support from the school and their friends and family. Nobody wants to see their child doing that but they can overcome it. I hope your dd is ok.

pastypirate · 23/07/2023 18:45

Hi op just checking in. Make a gp appointment and get her signed off at the start of term. You are the expert of your own child. If you think she can't cope don't send her.

Original poster
jambutterscone · 24/07/2023 12:14

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 18/07/2023 21:05

Just to make you aware, self harm is prevalent everywhere, in every high school. Both of my daughters did it and they were perfectly happy balanced children at primary school. High school is such a different culture to primary. They’re exposed to so many new things and not all good. Both of mine have come through it thanks to support from the school and their friends and family. Nobody wants to see their child doing that but they can overcome it. I hope your dd is ok.

Thanks for sharing your experience, I hope both your daughters are doing well!

It's just so hard though isn't it? And fortunately, I've never had a similar experience with my other children or anyone that I know which is why it's a very new thing for us and we don't want to do anything that would further harm dd in any way, and don't want self-harm to become a habit of hers as right now I feel like she's doing it but only 2-3 times so far.
We've thought of obviously letting the school know if we can't change it though, but it's tricky with informing the friends group as some of them are also getting influenced in engaging in self-harming behaviour, so I'm worried if they know, they might influence her more. I don't know tbh, but yeah.

OP posts:
Original poster
jambutterscone · 24/07/2023 12:15

pastypirate · 23/07/2023 18:45

Hi op just checking in. Make a gp appointment and get her signed off at the start of term. You are the expert of your own child. If you think she can't cope don't send her.

What do you mean get her signed off?
We're planning on getting her a private therapist so that she can get appropriate support for a while. But yes, we have thought of maybe not sending her to the current school at all until we find a new place, but I just don't know if we can legally do that.

OP posts:
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