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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage DD self harming

16 replies

daisydaily · 14/07/2023 07:00

My DD is actually 12, almost 13 and is self harming. It started a few months ago and was spotted by me and the school. There is a huge backstory which I can't elaborate on due to it being very outing. I realise that makes it hard to advise but I am in desperate need of some/any help in dealing with this.

When I first found out I took her to the GP who was next to useless. Accepted my dds responses of she felt "fine" and said there was no need to be concerned. She gave me a form to fill out for a CAMHS referral but I've heard nothing from them at all. My DD is refusing counselling.

Her dad and I are separated. Have been for over a decade but have an amicable relationship. My dd has begged me not to tell him as she doesn't want their relationship affected by it. I am torn on this as to what to do. It feels a huge burden for me to shoulder on my own but on the other hand I don't want to break her confidence and make matters worse.

Our relationship is pretty splintered at the moment because I'm treading on eggshells the whole time. I try to engage with her on day to day stuff but am often met with sullenness, disparaging comments, rudeness etc that I'm almost scared to say anything to her.

Outwardly with other people she seems OK. She is chatty and polite but she obviously isn't or she wouldn't be cutting herself. The school are supportive to a degree but my daughter, by her own admission, won't really open up to them.

I really am desperate to know what to do for the best. Does anyone have any advise? I'm so scared and worried that she is going to do worse than the self harming but have no idea what to do if she refuses to talk to anyone 😢😢

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 14/07/2023 07:35

Has she started her periods ?
Can you afford private counselling ?

DustyLee123 · 14/07/2023 07:35

Have you spoken to the school nurses ?

getfreddynow · 14/07/2023 07:59

So sorry. Not telling others or talking about it is so hard on you and her.

I have no medical qualifications but these are my thoughts coming from personal experience with a close friend.

You are right not to minimise. Your daughter is using it as a coping mechanism for overwhelming emotions/ or trauma . Is there a sen diagnosis?

Longer term: Try to get her buy in to sign her up for alumina.co.uk online course and reassure her it works for those who find it hard to talk about self harming (cameras off and use chatbox , no talking) but be aware long delay and waitlist (months)

Immediate action: Would she agree to you telling her dad she was struggling with mental health, if not specific details? To keep her safe when she’s with him, and for you too, he needs to have some context.

what is she using ? Compass, pencil sharpener blade? Check and remove from school bag? Something in the house to lock away? Be aware there could be other less visible forms inc burning with matches, choking.

Short term: go back to gp or get advice eg from Mind. School can refer to cahms too.

As awful and stressful as this is for you, Keep the relationship open and don’t let this dominate your interactions.

Check her phone or discuss with her whether looking at videos or other content with people harming themselves, crying and posting , wounds. Research shows seeing images can increase even levels of harming even when scars are shown as part of recovery and in a positive context.

good luck

DustyLee123 · 14/07/2023 08:03

I can see that you are torn about telling dad. But she is a child, and I think I’d suggest she tells him something about her struggles, or if she doesn’t then you get to tell him everything.

crossstitchingnana · 14/07/2023 08:13

Mind website has some good information about self-harm. Also, Calm Harm App is really good.

What helps is understanding why she is doing it and then meeting that need another way. Some examples of why people do it; anxiety, anger, want to see in control, self-loathing, sadness, to cure numbness and to feel physical pain instead of emotional pain.

And as her parent the best thing you can do is to stay calm, and not make it about you. I work with self-harming teens and the number of them who say their parent has cried, got angry or said something along the lines of "where have I gone wrong" or "don't do this to me" is staggering. It makes them feel they can't talk to them.

Inserthiliarioususernamehere · 14/07/2023 08:18

As someone who did and still does on occasion, you can't just ignore it so well done to you for seeking help.

As much as she doesn't want her dad to know, he does need to. It's easy to really hurt yourself if you lose focus when SH so he needs to be aware to look out for signs of this or it esculating.

People SH for many reasons. I've since found out I'm Autistic, which I'm not suggesting your daughter is, but I SH when I needed to focus and couldn't, as well as when I was upset by something out of my control. There will be a cause for her doing this, but it might not be obvious. Counselling helped me massively, so if possible, privately funded counselling might help her.

Good luck, your a fantastic mum x

Original poster

daisydaily · 14/07/2023 20:39

Thank you for your replies. It is very much appreciated as I feel so overwhelmed and completely out of my depth.

To answer some questions... no my dd doesn't have any diagnosis and definitely not sen or autistic.

She is using blades from pencil sharpeners to harm herself which obviously I'm really worried are going to cause infections. The whole thing is a horrible nightmare.

I can afford private counselling but she is refusing to engage at all but should I push her and force her to go? I just don't know what the best thing to do is here.

OP posts:

wishmyhousetidy · 15/07/2023 07:12

Dont presume she is not SEN. Mine started SH at 14 and I would have had absolutely no idea she was - I had friends with autistic daughters and children with ADHD and didn’t think my daughter had the problems they had. She started self harming with pencil sharpener blades, mental health deteriorated rapidly after puberty and she has recently been given a ADHD diagnosis as well as an additional diagnosis.
Think I was blindsided and maybe an earlier diagnosis would have limited the
unravelling of her mental health over the last 3 yrs

Original poster

daisydaily · 15/07/2023 08:55

@wishmyhousetidy sorry, I didn't mean to be dismissive. I work in education and have never had any reason to believe she has any SEN, but you are right there is always the possibility. She has had a very traumatic event in the last couple of months. Her sh has started since then which is why I am assuming that was the trigger.

I have managed to secure an appointment with a child psychologist tomorrow. I haven't told my dd that yet but I'm going to make her go along and hope she opens up even just a bit.

OP posts:

wishmyhousetidy · 15/07/2023 09:58

Oh no don’t worry I didn’t think you were being dismissive I just know I was blindsided by her diagnosis.
my daughter had a trauma event before too which was I presume the trigger. Really all the best with things x

toddlermom99 · 15/07/2023 12:03

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a traumatic event occur during my early teenage years and I self harmed from the age of 13-15. I begged my parents for help but they told me I was an attention seeker. I'm so glad your DD has you to advocate for her - I would definitely try and push counselling as much as you possibly can, it's very much worth a try for her and it might surprise her how much it helps.

I'm 24 now with a beautiful 3 year old boy, an amazing partner and I'm finishing a psychology degree. I am very very happy despite my teenage years and I have every faith that your DD will be in the future too. Thinking of you

Original poster

daisydaily · 15/07/2023 18:33

@toddlermom99 thank you. Your post made me cry a little bit. I'm so glad you got through your teenage years and are now living a happy life. I'm so consumed with worry at the moment that it is hard to see, or believe, that we will come out the other side of all this.

My daughter has agreed, all be it reluctantly, to attend the psychologist appointment tomorrow. I really hope this can be the start of her recovery (is that the right word?). I just want her to be happy and not feeling like she has to cut her arms with a blade 😢

OP posts:

YoungWild · 15/07/2023 20:55

How deep are her cuts? And is she harming? This is obviously be an issue depending on location as to the risk of infection.

Thunderisntnicebythebeach · 15/07/2023 20:57

My dd was self harming last year.. I told the ones closest who needed to support her. Please don't deny her df the opportunity to support her. And you. Sadly this is one secret you do need to spill ime.
Make sure she has antiseptic and plasters.
For our family thing escalated for a while. Happily out the other side 2 years later...

HappiDaze · 15/07/2023 22:23

My DD started to SH and after some talking I applied immediately applied to transfer her to another school and it stopped and her MH improved dramatically

The pastoral team at her original school was quite large and really should have known how to deal with it better. But they didn't. So I took matters into my own hands and removed her.

HappiDaze · 15/07/2023 22:25

As it turned out even though we are very close they don't tell you every little thing that goes on and it all adds up

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