Difficult holiday

[Loueve2]

I’m really struggling with my 17yo daughter. We have all gone on a family holiday and the first 4 days were great with a few niggles.
Now though any kind of advice, suggestions or even looking at her will cause her to explode and be unkind. Saying we are shouting at her when in fact we have only asked her to pack her case or help around the house.
I understand she misses her partner and that will be frustrated but the things she is saying to us is unkind. “I don’t want to even be here, I just want to go home.” The holiday was put in place for her as she wanted to do this and we have a concert she was gifted. She stays at her partners and doesn’t visit us often at all and often tells us she doesn’t visit because we moan at her. She shouts this when she’s raging.
After 3 weeks of not seeing her she has put on about 2 dress sizes, and her eating habits are awful. I’ve tried helping her with this but I get abuse shouted at me. She thinks I’m body shaming her which I am not. Meals have been a nightmare on holiday as she won’t eat proper food except desserts and buys crisps and sweets from the shop and eats them.
She does not help with anything and expects others to tidy up after her. I have to do it as can’t leave an Airbnb messy.
she and I haven’t got on since she was about 11, I kept putting it down to hormones. But it hasn’t got better. She has made our lives so miserable. We were going to help buy her first house but after this holiday and the things she has said I really don’t want to get involved I feel like she just uses us now for when she wants something. Asks for money all the time because she is a compulsive spender and can’t keep her wages. Am I wrong to pack up her unsightly bedroom and let her go her own way. My husband, her dad suffers from depression and her self centred attitude is not helping. Her brother copes well, I have spoken to him on holiday, apologising and he doesn’t understand why she is behaving the way she is.
any one else have these problems and how do I go about the next 2 weeks on our once of a lifetime vacation.

On one side there seems to be a lot of compulsive stuff: spending, eating, anger. On the others lots of advice, help and suggestions.

Those two together is an explosive mix.

She's 17. If she wants to eat crap, spend all her money and be an arsehole, she can. You don't have to be near it though. But you do have to get through the next days.

First, your 'advice' and 'help' and 'suggestions' aren't something she wants. So just stop. She clearly sees it as shaming and lecturing so none of it is landing. Second, I'd try empathetic listening. Yes it's shit she doesn't want to be there, yes it's crap she misses her partner. You're sorry about that. Is there anything you can all do (her included) to make it a bit less shit? Ask her what she wants. Listen. Everyone is pitching in, her included so what chore does she want? Let her choose.

I'm not saying I'd indulge this long-term, but it might help for the holiday.

But long-term, stop with the advice.

Thank you,
I just want to make clearer any advice given to her is solely on the fact she has asked for it it just isn’t what she wanted to hear yet doesn’t know what she wants 🙈

Honestly let her leave. She's 17 and doesn't want to be there. Let her get fat, spend all her money and makes some mistakes. It's the only way she is going to learn. When she eventually comes back to you, be there for her. With the help and support you (understandably) are so desperate to give her now... but sadly she won't accept any of it. So let her go. You need to think of how this is also impacting your son, husband and you. She's 17, she knows her behaviour isn't acceptable, this isn't fair on the rest of the family...

I can understand your frustration and concern, but you can’t win with a 17 yo DD, tbh. Leave her to it, and try to enjoy your holiday

A lot of this sounds very similar to my DD now 18.

She was a lovely child until about 11/12 then she turned and mainly on me. Nothing helped.

Her bedroom is a tip and her diet is appalling and extremely limited. She did have a PT job and spent most of her earnings on chocolate, sweets and crisps etc. She is quite tall and has gone from a pretty slim size 12 at age 16 to a bloated 18 to 20 at age 18. My DD doesn’t ask for advice and I wouldn’t dare offer it. But I do think as well as the bad diet she may well be a little neuro diverse, possibly has a hormonal imbalance (her periods happen on a two or three weekly basis) and or have an under active thyroid. I have tentatively suggested she visit the GP to check bloods as I have the latter and she outright refuses.

I remember one dreadful holiday in 2019 which she ruined and I was at my whits end with her. She is a bit better now some of the time but it doesn’t take much for her bad behaviour to come back. I am counting down the days until September when she goes to Uni fingers crossed.

I wouldn’t help her buy a house as she does not appreciate you and like my DD I don’t think your DD is mature enough yet.

I would calmly chat to her and say the holiday has cost a lot of money and you are not letting her ruin it anymore. Say the rest of you are going to go to X place or do Y thing tonight or tomorrow she can either put on a smile and come along and enjoy it or stay in the hotel room moping it is up to her but tell her you are not letting her ruin anymore of the holiday. This might be the wake up call she needs or it might not but you have drawn a line in the sand its up to her.

It’s definitely not easy.