First girlfriend for 14yo boy

[Sensibletrousers]

My DS is getting close to starting to “date” a girl he knows, and I’d like to hear other perspectives and tips from parents of teen boys on what is “normal”, how much to support and facilitate etc…

He is Autistic but very sociable and no learning / intellectual difficulties. We have a very close relationship and he tells me everything (which I LOVE and don’t take for granted - he literally just handed me his phone to show me texts from her best friend confirming that she does like him etc) so that side of things is great. We’ve talked lots about being a good guy, mutual consent for all things even holding hands, being himself, being friends first etc.

What I’d love guidance / perspectives on is: how much do parents of 14 year olds facilitate their teens’ “dating”? What do 14 year olds do on dates and hanging out with GF/BFs these days? In the 90s we snogged at discos and bus stops lol! They are not at the same school so any meet ups are pre arranged and there are others in the mixed friendship group who are “coupled up”.

Lastly, he’s my eldest so not sure on the etiquette- should I be in touch with her mum if they actually go official? I don’t want to be too involved, nor too hands off!!!

thanks!

You don't facilitate anything and you don't contact the other parent! Teens do what teens have always done - some hold hands and go to the cinema, others are less tame. Unless there's an issue around safety, let him figure this out with gentle guidance when needed.

Nothings changed OP.

They still snog at bus stops, go to the cinema, shopping in town etc.

And they still don't expect their mums to get involved in their teen relationships! 🙈

OK thank you, sounds sensible!

When I say facilitate I mean driving him to dates and meet ups, not actually getting involved with the two of them!

Gentle guidance is doable 👍

You sound like a great Mum! I always introduced myself to the other parents and swapped phone numbers mainly because you become mutual car share drivers. At 14, we had a pretty strict not in your bedroom rule but that's because there were other rooms for them to hang out in. Other than that, just keep listening and let him work this out for himself.

Surely you only become 'mutual car share drivers' if you live somewhere without public transport?

I don't drive and I don't ever remember any of my 3 DC being driven anywhere by their girlfriends parents.

And it's worth introducing yourself as my best friend nowadays is my child's teenage ex's Mum!

Wow OK that’s something I never considered lol

@HereToo I should clarify I don't live in the UK and it's completely normal here for parents to share the driving aspect.

I am also abroad and introduced myself to his mom, mostly because my daughter was spending a lot of time at theirs, to make sure they were fine with that (especially after the boyfriend injured himself and had difficulty walking, so they were at his place even more). His mom and I met and had coffee, agreed on a few things (curfews, which it turns out both kids were trying to evade; sleepovers yes or no).

I don't plan for us to be best friends - if I had met her in a different way, I would certainly pursue a friendship as I like her a lot - but I treat her as I do the mother of my daughter's best friend, with whom I am in touch about practicalities and some ground rules.

As I said, I am abroad, but we would offer rides if they were needed and have the boy here regularly. They are also both welcome here if they have a longer lunch break and want to make their lunch instead of buying it. We talk to him without interrogating, she has shared quite a bit with me. I would also get involved if there were any issues of abuse, as I suffered emotional abuse in my first relationship and did not realize it for a long time. At 14/15, they are still young.