Not drinking or using toilet at school

[MischiefManager]

Dd13 has struggled with social anxiety for a long time and we are getting nowhere fast with getting her any help with it. We and she feel she is probably autistic. Anxiety has increased massively since secondary school and even more since periods started.

She is so anxious about using the toilets in school that she is not drinking until lunch time - which starts at 1pm in her school. Nothing when she gets up until then. She is experiencing headaches and tiredness. She is also having days off school during her periods which are heavy and as she won't use the toilet she is to scared of leaking while she's at school.

Anyone else experienced this and found any ways round it? School aren't particularly helpful because her grades are ok

I didn't drink at school.
DS2 drinks very little at school.

The toilets- in my day - were grim, as were the open water jugs on the tables (before ubiquitous waterbottles everwhere).

Drink first thing. Loo once (or twice) before leaving. Then in school days, I wouldn't drink til I got home. I'm slightly better now, and tend to drink with lunch - but rarely drink between meals, even as an adult. There is maybe one day a month where I need to deal with periods at work, but would she use a tampon or cup, with a back up of a towel or period pants on days where she is concerned?

DS2 is at secondary. He is made to drink with every meal at home. I cant regulate what he drinks at school. He has free access to drinks at home, but only usually drinks when he has been excerising.

I know it's not the healthiest of situations, but it is perfectly possible to avoid awful school loos - and those habits have just stuck with me, I guess.

DS is 13. Doesn't drink at school at all as the toilets are so vile that he'd rather die than use them (apparently)
So he therefore doesn't drink at all in the morning (maybe half a glass of water and milk in cream) nothing at school. He drinks very little in the evening. I am the same and don't drink much other than tea and coffee (although I have decaff)

He is definitely dehydrated. His urine is really dark and smells, and I am constantly nagging him to drink more.

So I have no advice but am posting in solidarity

I had this conversation with my DD12 last night! She said to me she feels tired all the time and it might be becasuse she doesn’t drink enough. She doesn’t drink at school at all as she doesn’t want to go to the toilet. She’s too anxious to ask to go in lessons and doesn’t have time at lunch as they only get 30mins. I didn’t realise this was happening. I’ve just told her to make sure she drinks as soon as she gets back from school and to try and drink at least something at school. I think you need to make sure she’s drinking lots in the evening.

She wears (WUKA) period pants which have been brilliant. They haven’t leaked and she wears them all school day so no need to go to the toilet. Might be worth a try if you haven’t already.

Milk in CEREAL

Dc2 is similar (also diagnosed with asd). I spoke to senco last year during the heat wave as I was getting worried. They provided dc with a pass to use either the visitor toilets or the student toilet during class time. It seems to take the worry off and now will drink before school and at lunch but still mostly doesn't use toilets. But having a pass means dc knows there are options. Also takes a drink and drinks it on the bus home.
Speak to senco they will probably have similar situations and may be able to put some support in place.
Dc also double pads and period pants for school and I believe this is the only time she uses the toilet (only once a day during class).

Hi OP, this sounds extremelly similar to my 13yo DS. He cannot use toilets at all outside the house but especially those at school. He won’t eat or deink in the mornings or at lunchtime unless he absolutely has to, and if he does need a wee he holds it in all day which can’t be good for his body (on top of the lack of drinking). My son has autism and struggles anlot with anxiety outside of the house in particular. I’d recommend thinking about undergoing an assessment for a diagnosis perhaps in order to get her more support. In the meantime, does she prefer to use any disabled single toilets? My son can’t use them still, but if he had to he’d use them. It’s really not easy x

I never ever drank water or used school toilets . I wouldn't worry

This is so common, had the same with my NT DD who ended up with a UTI which made the problem worse. But at least school did issue her with a no questions pass she just had to wave at teacher. It has left her with ongoing anxiety about access to toilets.

It's such a common issue I don't know why it isn't taken more seriously by schools.

Whilst I agree we shouldn’t worry too much in case that gets passed on to ohr kids, I don’t think nothing should be done about it

Yup, I never used to use the toilets at school and have one drink at lunch time. Hated the toilets, hated the girls in the toilets.
If I was desperate during my period I would go as it was essential but it was awful.

My dc was allowed to use a specific disabled loo near their base class due to this and ibs. Have you spoken to the school aboutvthe social anxiety and the effects it's having on your dc

Have you investigated why she has heavy periods? I did too and I wasn’t diagnosed with pcos and thyroid issues until my 30s. Get her a full investigation. Also explore medications to stop / delay periods. Almost all of them are available to girls with SEN.

In the meantime demand she has access to a private or staff toilet - get a doctor’s note if you have to.

Thanks for the responses. The school do give toilet passes to those that need them but her anxiety would unfortunately prevent her from using them. She has a time out card to leave lessons if she is overwhelmed but feels unable to use that either so just freezes or occasionally has to walk out because of panic attacks.

@Wenfy Heavy periods could well be due to endometriosis as we have family history including me. I've spoken to gp today about possibly trialing the pill to make them more manageable.

@BumWhisperers I've spoken to the school repeatedly about her anxiety but essentially because her behaviour and grades are fine and she is generally compliant (at the expense of her mental health) they are not interested. This is causing us an issue because they won't refer for a neurodevelopmental assessment either and the only way to get one in our area is through school.

My DD is 12 and gets funny with the use of toilets. He would rather use a cubical with ceiling to ground walls, which is an isolated cubical at school, especially for having a poo. We have found the disabled facilities meet this criteria and she has access to them as and when required at school this overcame the barrier with holding in her poo and leading to constipation and complications from that. Ever since we spoke to the school she seems to be getting on okay with that aspect.

Have you asked the school for use of such facilities if that is one of your daughters barriers?

I've spoken to her about using the disabled toilet and she says no way, she'd be too anxious to do that as well. I know it's not logical or rational. I guess anxiety isn't but it can make it frustrating when every suggestion is met with no that won't work!

It sounds like she’ll need some sort of therapy - my son does too probably. It’s essentially a severe version of a common phobia

Toilets were grim 15yrs ago, I was the same, I went home at lunch to use the loo there! I also sussed out the nicest loos in the school and would go when I had a lesson near them. Raise with the school and get her a toilet pass.

That is such a hard task finding a balance