Complete Communication Breakdown

[DorcasPorcas]

Good morning everyone. Advice much needed and appreciated! My 16 DS has backed himself into a corner.

Bit of background and to contextualise - he’s a quiet boy, not great socially and doesn’t do chit chat. I suspect he’s on the spectrum and has just finished his GCSE’s. My other DS, nearly 15, ADHD, funny, confident and very chatty.

About 2 months ago, DS1 (quiet one) attacked, for no reason, DS2 (ADHD chatty one). It was viscous and nasty. My husband and I had to restrain him. DS2, did nothing but defend himself. I believe DS2 version of events and DS1 agreed that this is what he did. After removing his Ethernet cable so he could not go online, he mumbled a very weak apology to DS2. Fast forward 2 months and he has not exchanged a word to my other son. DS2, says he’s not bothered about the attack but he doesn’t understand why DS1 is now not speaking to him. DS1 now won’t even be in the same room as DS2, even though DS2 has done nothing, as far as I know.

Both my DH and I have tried talking to him, I’ve tried a bit of love bombing, trying to be nice, coaxing, cajoling - nothing. He’s holed up in his room, barely speaks to me or my DH. He was really disrespectful to my DH last night which resulted in Ethernet cable being removed.

In about 5 weeks time we are due to go on holiday (UK). My DS2 does not want DS1 to come, understandably. Frankly, neither do I, not like this. DH is not sure if he wants to come (that’s a whole other shitshow).

In theory, DS1 is old enough to stay home alone. However, he is not very independent in terms of looking after himself. He doesn’t make himself anything to eat, even microwave meals are too much effort 🙄. My DS2, really wants my DH to come on holiday. It’s a mess.

I need to find a way to help DS1 out of the corner he’s painted himself into. I think he knows what he did was wrong, unprovoked and unkind but his pride, ego and poor communication skills mean he’s blaming everyone else. It’s all our fault and nothing to do with him. I can see he’s suffering and very unhappy but he won’t come out of his room for more than 5 minutes to get food, grunts and goes back to his room. It would break my heart to go away without him. This is the first holiday since lockdown ☹️.
The atmosphere in the house is really horrid and sad and I just don’t know what to do…….

Go with DS2 and just you
and let everyone have a break from each other and the tension
if DS1 just finished exams he may Need to just chill / decompress ??

I'd listen to DS 1 ask him why he attacked, kids can often wind each other up while to adults it appears nothing has happened.

Quiet introspective kids don't suddenly attack for no reason.

Both my DH and I have tried talking to him, I’ve tried a bit of love bombing, trying to be nice, coaxing, cajoling - nothing.

You need to listen.

I cut contact with my brother last year. He claims to have ne idea what he has done, what he did wasn't that bad but it is just the last in a string of things and I just thought, "you bring nothing positive to my life".

I know my dad is quite upset about it but I just can't stay in contact without it hurting me.

I'm mid 50s.

And yes I might be projecting my own situation.

Also I may well be on the spectrum and there are things that get to me eg some pitches of noise actually cause me ear ache, so for me my brother playing his music could feel like someone sticking a needle in my ears. To other people it might not even be annoying.

Thank you. I’m more than happy to listen but I can’t get him to talk - that’s the problem….. he’s internalised everything and says he’s fine (he’s not) and that I’m making a big deal, we argue, he has anxiety fuelled verbal outbursts (shouting, swearing), then stomps off as the victim. He’s avoiding a situation he finds hard and now it’s been so long, he doesn’t know how to get out of it and is too ashamed to admit he needs help.

Thank you. Yes, that’s what I’m preparing for but my DS2 really wants his Dad (DH) to come. I really want DH to come also (recently diagnosed with ADHD and is having an existential crisis, has had a kind of breakdown) but that’s his choice and he’s an adult. I just want my sons to be friends again.

Thank you. Yes, that’s what I’m preparing for but my DS2 really wants his Dad (DH) to come. I really want DH to come also (recently diagnosed with ADHD and is having an existential crisis, has had a kind of breakdown) but that’s his choice and he’s an adult. I just want my sons to be friends again.

I think you need to work with what you've got and select the least worst option.

Right now that looks like just you and DS2 going on holiday.

It's not perfect but seems like only viable solution at the minute.

Yes, I think you’re right. I just want my sons to be friends again. It’s so sad. DS2 is feeling more and more angry that DS1 is not talking to him. It’s heartbreaking seeing both of them struggling and the longer it goes on, the harder it is becoming. In fact, it’s gone beyond that point now and I’m scared there’s no way back.

Could you arrange some family therapy?

Sorry to ask this but could ds1 possibly be secretly on weed? So many texts on here talk of unexpected, sudden episodes of violence then it turns out weed's involved. It's quite a shock when kids who've never caused any worries suddenly change so maybe some discreet observation there. Hopefully not but know 2 sets of parents who had no idea until a violent reaction to a small family row worried them. One parent found it in kids pocket, the other admitted after gentle questioning. Don't want to upset you op but as this is so out of character for your Ds it might be worth quiet observation. 💐 Also does elder child normally get on ok with his dad? You mention younger one wanting his dad on the holiday but don't say whether or not older boy feels the same. Really feel for you. Teen years are so difficult to navigate. As parents it sometimes feels like we can't do right for doing wrong. Hopefully it will settle again soon.

I’ve thought about that. My DS1 has had two lots of counselling and claims he hated it. I think family therapy would be helpful but I wouldn’t want to arrange something like that until they at least start talking. DS1 wouldn’t go in the garden yesterday as DS2 was there. DS1 has/is making this so much harder than it should be and it’s now a MASSIVE THING. DS1 is avoiding hard situations (he has history). He also has low-level anxiety. These are my observations and I have no diagnosis or facts to base this on but I know my son. He’s very sensitive and I know he’s struggling but doesn’t know how to ask for help or even admit he needs help.

No, pretty sure he’s not. He’d have to actually leave the house to get it. He wouldn’t know where to get it and has no money to pay for it.

Glad that's not it op as it's a nightmare to come back from. What about relationship with his dad? Does ds2 usually have a better relationship with his dad. If so this could be causing repressed anger/jealousy/resentment which caused the sudden violence and as ds1 won't discuss he can't find a way back?

Yes, I think this is a factor. It’s a lot to do with his own poor social skills. DS2 is open/honest/confident, DS1 totally the opposite and yes, I agree, there is probably jealousy/resentment/anger there. He has not been an easy child to parent (not that any are, but he has been much more difficult than DS2) and yes, DS2 gets on better with us both but we’ve always tried to be fair but DS1 is not one for sharing how he feels but I’m not sure he knows what the problem and it’s so much easier to hide, isn’t it.

This sounds awful OP

Can you or DH spend time with just him, maybe watch TV in his room with him, or go for a drive, talking can be easier when you are not facing someone.

Is there anyway you could split the holiday, so one child and one parent go and then half way through the other parent and the other child go?

A change of scene might make DS1 more comfortable to talk.

How does DS1 think his GCSEs went? Maybe he is worried about the results and it has come out as violence?