How to help teen who doesn’t want help

[LadyofLansallos]

My DD, 15, Y10, has lots going on at the moment - been in a bad relationship that she is still very entangled in, panic attacks, all the usual teen worries about exams, appearance etc. On the surface she is flying, teachers always singing her praises, but she’s not okay underneath. She is using self harm as a coping strategy.

I have had to dig all this information out of her/nosed around on her devices in order to find out what is going on. She is seeing a therapist (only 2 sessions in) but totally refuses to talk to us about anything & actually denies anything is wrong. I don’t think she will tell the therapist everything as she is aware that aspects of her relationship trigger safeguarding concerns (older boyfriend) & is very guarded.

I am finding it really tough. I wish she was able to confide in us & feel totally out of my depth. What can I do??

(as I type this I know the answer is focus on your connection, try to do things with her on her terms, hold my end of the rope…)

this answer is probably neither useful or easy, but I’d be moving heaven and earth to discourage the relationship with the boyfriend.
How old is he , and what do you know about him?

You can detoxify your home and your family lives, try to spend lots of time with her and make sure you are more present.

Have you talked to school?

I should have clarified, he’s an ex boyfriend. But still lots of contact going on. I tried to get her to block him & she made secret accounts, I think the more I try to do there at the moment the more damage I do. Crossing my fingers he moves on pronto.

Detoxify - do you mean toxins in the metaphorical sense?

I haven’t talked to school. They were aware of the panic attacks when they started last year - they informed me about them. They referred her to the school nurse in Nov & she’s got an appointment next week.

Sorry lots of posts! Cooking supper.

she saw a therapist for a while last year when the panic attacks started but all seemed well & we stopped. Then the boyfriend came along & things have gone downhill.

I mean modern life is very toxic. Food, pollution, social media, too busy, too stressed, not mindful, late nights, murder dramas, too little exercise - what's possible to do differently at home? Leading by example and all that. How healthy is your lifestyle, could you model any good changes?

Whatever the modern equivalent of basket weaving is!

Get a meeting with school to discuss. They may be able to shed light but also keep an eye.

You listen. You be around. Even if what she says is boring AF or banal, you listen, you make time to listen. She'll more likely bring her problems into her spoken words if she knows you are around & that you listen.

You don't tell her what to do. You may briefly tell her your honest opinion but only when you make a great big space for her to have a different opinion : and she gets to act on it, too. You can ask her questions about what matters to her so she can use that information to decide what she'll do. You let her know that if things go pear-shaped you'll help her out. And you'll listen.

I may be a crap parent in 60 ways, but I do have teens that talk to me.

Hi @LadyofLansallos i know when i hear of other people going through similar or worse situations it makes me think it's not just me and it does give me some relief.
Share some experiences with your DD of even people you used to know or someone you've heard of that went through something and got through it. But just casually slip it into the conversation so it doesn't sound like a lecture!
Hope the above helps xx

I absolutely don’t know what to do here. My DS (16) has an ASD and hates me. I’m on my own with him and his 2 siblings and he is so verbally aggressive to me. He’s better with my ex husband but doesn’t want to live with him as his house is smaller.

He doesn’t respect my boundaries and I get no privacy. He barges into my room late at night and often naked to use my en-suite bathroom as he doesn’t like the other shower. He has undiagnosed OCD and eating issues. He had an appointment with CAHMS but cancelled his own appointment so was discharged. I asked for social work help but we don’t meet their criteria. And tonight he yelled at me to ‘shut up bitch’. I can’t go on like this. It’s affecting my own mental health. I’m scared of him.

And that was supposed to be a new post, I’m so sorry. Maybe admin can move it?😫