My son doesn’t speak.

[AbsoIutelyLovely]

my son is a lovely gentle 13 year old. But he’s always been very introverted, and while he always has friends at school he is completely uninterested in family life. He just doesn’t speak to any of us, and it’s hard especially on his little brother. He speaks to me as though he’s really shy of me and has a tiny little voice. The only time I hear him animated is when he’s with his cousin.

He has no hobbies outside chess (with PC but not people 🙄) Lego (solo) and reading (ditto). We can barely get him to take the dog for a walk and his social skills with other people like grandparents and friends’ parents are virtually non existent- he just doesn’t speak. Each grandparent has, at various times, expressed concern that he doesn’t like them - he behaves as though even responding is a massive chore.

I’m worried in case he’s depressed etc and we’re sitting around just accepting his lack of vigour. His bro is autistic but is far more outgoing and sometimes I wonder if we should have explored a diagnosis.

Any advice? This is beyond the usual teenager moodiness and actually he’s not moody, he’s consistently silent. It’s draining and worrying/ I don’t think we have pushed him enough socially really and despite having an open door attitude to visitors he rarely has his friends around. What can I do?

Has any concerns expressed by the school? It could be social anxiety.

My first thought was, is he autistic, or even selective mute?

I'm sure you know how hard life can be for some autistic children and I think it's especially hard for those who are undiagnosed - they feel different often with no explanation or understanding. A diagnosis can really help them feel acceptance of themselves. I would definitely explore it.

But I'd also echo what the pp said - what have school said? Does he speak at school? It could definitely be social anxiety and this can go hand in hand in with autism - though obviously it can be present without autism too.

He’s very bright and hardworking. He’s at a selective private school but he was so quiet on his assessment day that I had to virtually cajole them into letting him in! He was 7 then so this has been going on a long long time.

Ive said to him a few times that if there’s anything he ever wants to talk about, we will always listen: but that I understand that he feels harassed with a lot of interaction so that’s why I give him space. His brother is very attention seeking and loves the limelight and I have a completely different relationship with him and I would never want him to feel left out. But he never wants to join in!

He’s secure and loved. There are no stressors. We all get on well. He’s physically affectionate but just doesn’t speak.

I don’t even know how to raise the prospect of seeking an autism evaluation etc, but I definitely think he’s not NT. one indication for me is that he sleeps all the way home in the car every day, I think he finds the school day completely exhausting but he gets plenty sleep and good food at home so it just be the effort that tires him.

I was thinking selective mutism as he’s able to connect with his cousin.
My DN could not talk to her DM for years, never said a word to anybody else.

That is classic situational mutism and is very often comorbid with autism. I’d get him in front of a well developed multi disciplinary team for a full work-up including a cognitive psych and an SLT straightaway.

Effra clinic, or DATS in St Albans are particularly good.

Does he communicate in other ways? Pointing, nodding, text messages?

If you asked at dinner if he wants more food, what would he do?

"That is classic situational mutism and is very often comorbid with autism."

"Classic" SM doesn't include very limited speech at home. The classic presentation is free speech at home. It could still be SM (and, likely, autism) but it's not the classic presentation.

In any case, he needs more proactive intervention, OP. How will he be an independent adult if he can't speak? How will he get a job?

Get on Facebook and join the SMiRA (SM national charity) Facebook page for parents. There are lots of downloadable materials there and on the website. It's vital that people in his family stop thinking that he "doesn't like" them if he finds it hard to speak with them. It's not personal.

Also, the key factor for identifying a suitable prof is that they understand SM and are trained.

Cognitive assessments are not usually a great idea in SM casework.

No, he speaks when he’s hungry, he will answer questions reluctantly he’s not totally silent. It’s just incredibly hard to get a conversation out of him and he really seems to hate conversation. He will never start a conversation. My other son was so dramatically autistic- couldn’t eat sleep poo speak etc that for years our focus was on his needs and in comparison me eldest was able to be lighthearted and fun as young kids are but truculent and mute outside the house, so we weren’t too concerned. now my youngest is basically fine sort from sleep issues and rocky friendships .

My husband thinks he’s being a teenager but then he didn’t believe our younger son was autistic despite the fact that he identified as a clock and was in love with streetlights 😂

Well after years of it you do wonder, he’s seems to incredibly shy of me and I find it upsetting but pretend not to notice. Keep things lighthearted. Chat to him, tell him about my day and ask closed questions. i tell him I love him (I do!) I tuck him up in bed and he gets and gives great cuddles.

I managed to get my other child to engage verbally and now he doesn’t shut up, but he’s basically an extrovert with autism.

i am quite outgoing but am a sensitive person who needs space. My husband is similar although more introverted, so we do understand and I was an incredibly quiet child myself.

Please explore assessment.
BiL is like this. It's causing issues now as he still lives at home, his parents are now very frail. It's an absolute boon that he is there, but quite worrying as communication is so patchy.

We struggle to know whether they are ok or not- the usual patterns of sharing information don't happen and it's hard to know how to support them all.

Also worrying about what happens after their death. And so hard to actually have a conversation about it.

Unless you know someone like this, it's hard to imagine!

Thanks everybody for suggesting selective mutism, I’m going to explore that.

I’ve confided in him so much about autism and we’ve both felt the strain of dealing with my other son at difficult times that I’m not sure how I would even have that conversation with him. I did ask him once why he didn’t speak and he of course wouldn’t really respond: so I said is it A. You have nothing to say B. Can’t be bothered and he just said “A” which had me in fits of giggles - he just has no volition to make conversation

DD2 isn't mute but has an expressive language disorder and social communication disorder. She speaks freely at home but finds it hard to express herself. I do exactly what you say in your last post. I say "is it that you can't decide what to eat, or is it that everything there is to eat sounds boring?' She says 'first one' or 'second one'. It gives her an ability to communicate without the load of finding the words.

I have a quiet child, and a child with SM and autism

The quiet child is a man of few words, but speaks freely when he does have something to say. He can order food in a cafe, go into a shop and get stuff, can ask his teachers if he is not sure about something. He can answer thoughtfully if asked an open ended question, will have a debate about something, joins in on family events happily, but he isn't going to come and seek you out for a chat. He talks up a storm with his small peer group of friends and is going out with them appropriately to the park etc.

My child with autism and SM was always hard to "get to answer". Even as a toddler he shut down on questions which he saw as exposing. I remember having to use ridiculousness to get him to engage "What did you have for lunch?" No response "Was it pizza?" No response "I know what you had, I asked your teacher, it was dinosaur on toast" no, don't be silly, it was fish and chips!. He has a consistent pattern of speaking - spoke to family, albeit preferred to lead the chat, use banter, speak about his preferred topics - in school could answer clear questions with non ambiguous answers, such as "what is 6x8?", And yes/no questions, but unable to initiate any communication, couldn't speak at all at doctor, cafe, or shops.

It's the shut down that marks out the difference for me. My SM son you can see his expression close when he gets asked something or spoken to by a new person, you can see the anxiety appear and his voice shut down - and he's an adult now.

I did use to use the a) and b) method of communication a lot with my autistic/SM son, and also sort of flow chart responding. Eg once he was obviously upset and couldn't tell me why. I had to go through "is it about school, or home" "is it about work in school, friends in school, or something else?" "Is it something your friends have done, or something they have not done?". It's like he couldn't find the words to express himself without me structuring a way in. Then eventually you'd get a trigger and the story would pour out.

Does it seem like the expectation to speak is sometimes a problem for him? This is the essence of SM.

@SMiRAliser

YES! That’s exactly my son. The panic and shock when I make him walk into a shop to buy something. More than once he’s declined a treat rather than order it for himself.

my younger son can’t go to the park without an adult because I know if something happened he physically wouldn’t able to speak to a stranger for help. I think my eldest would be the same in that regard

I get this. ‘ I have nothing to say’. I would say there are not infrequently times when I am silent, not because I am shy or can’t be bothered, but just because I simply can’t think of anything to say given what is being talked about. It amazes me that some people just seem able to talk about anything! And in so many words! And I am normally social I think.

Do you try conversations on things He is interested in? What happens if you try to talk about his key interests?

Definitely worth exploring SM.

Or it could just be anxiety and a fear of saying the wrong thing/not knowing what to say. If it’s a habit he’s always had, it’s going to be difficult to break it.

Have you asked him if he’d like to be able to talk more freely?

This is ringing lots of bells for me. My dd(11) has had huge trouble speaking when stressed (just shut down at primary school) and I’ve had to spend hours going through things she might be upset about and trying to zero in as she nods or shakes her head.

She’s very shy but just about able to speak in shops or cafes with practise beforehand on what to say, but always chooses the automatic till or to buy online if possible. At home, we get a lot of nonsense, word play and facetiousness.

I thought this was just personality and an element of anxiety. I get the impression she thinks speaking about things makes them worse / more real, and also that she thinks I should know already and is cross that I haven’t paid enough attention and worked it out. But maybe it’s something diagnosable?

I feel absolutely awful. I think my son has overheard me fretting about him to my husband because he’s suddenly had a rocket up his bottom: has come for dog walks all week and even accompanied me to a riding lesson the other day. Is asking me questions and showing an interest. I can tell he’s making an effort but it’s been such a huge change that I’m sure he’s overheard me worrying about him. I know I didn’t say anything hurtful or horrible about him so in a way I’m not bothered but poor lad 😱

Perhaps it might be a good thing in the end.

He sounds exactly like my 17 yo who I’d initially just thought of as “quiet and reserved”, then as he got older it got worse and I thought maybe social anxiety, and arranged a psychologist, who suggested he was assessed for autism, which he has just been diagnosed with. It seems so obvious now, I can’t believe I just put it down to being “quiet and reserved”. I would say it’s worth your son seeing a psychologist, whether it’s selective mutism, autism or social anxiety and taking it from there.