How to parent a difficult teen

[Baycitystroller]

DD just turned 17. She’s always been a bit stroppy as kids can be but this past few months she’s become really horrible. No other word for it!

We barely see her. She goes to college and she is doing well, has a part time job and occasionally goes out with friends. Every other moment is spent in her messy disgusting room that she never tidies. If we knock at the door she asks ‘What???’ In a horrible tone. She eats her meals with us but barely tolerates conversation, rolls her eyes constantly, winds up her younger siblings. Then just disappears back to her room. Watching crap on the internet and texting friends, styling her hair etc. if she’s not in work or college she stays in bed til noon.

if we challenge her on anything it ends in a row. She just seems in a constant bad mood. Has no time for us at all. Is rude and disrespectful to the whole family. Some relatives visited recently and she barely spoke to them and stayed in her room. It was embarrassing. Trying to make normal conversation is pointless as she barely engages. She makes it clear she has no interest in anything we say or says ‘I don’t have the energy for this conversation’

For her birthday we offered to go out for a family meal like we do every year. She made it clear she has no time for that. Won’t want to spend time with us. Acted like she would be doing us a favour to go out with us.

I get she’s almost an adult. I get teens can be difficult but this situation is horrible. There isn’t any underlying issues I don’t think. No drugs or drinking as far as I can tell. I don’t think she’s depressed. She’s just become a really unpleasant person. To her family.

I’ve tried reason. Conversation about respect. I admit I have also become angry at times due to her rudeness and laziness and of course that’s just ended in rows, stomping and door slamming. I have tried just to suggest nice things like going shopping or walking the dog on the beach. Just to try and reconnect. No …she just says ‘later’ then it never happens.

I feel that she despises us. She’s not a nice person to be around. I don’t know what to do. I miss the funny, chatty girl she was once.

Any ideas on how to repair our relationship or is this normal? I have 2 other kids and don’t want to face the same with them! What am I doing wrong?

Hard to say- are you sure there is nothing wrong. I never discussed anything bad because everything always turned into a shitstorm. She does sound quite depressed.

alternatively, she just isn’t a nice person at the moment and needs time to grow out of it or not.

have you thought about stepping right back. I remember once giving out to my mother about how awful my friends mother was (repeating what she had said really), and my mother reminded me of how horrible my friend was, and that actually she deserved nothing (ok it was the 80s friend deserved a slap). Somehow I had forgotten that the mum was an actual person.

if you can manage to nonchalantly put your lines in the sand. Maybe if she “has no energy for this conversation” reply “that’s what I was hoping, teenagers are sooo achingly booorinnnmng these days.”

I would step right back to give her the space to come to you if and when she is ready. Eg if yous are going out for a family meal, just say "we are heading out at this time if you want to join let me know" and leave it at that. As long as she is attending tech and work then I wouldn't worry about her hiding in her room. Go about your day, let her see you enjoying life, the reality is you don't know if she is dealing with something in the background, but from experience a step back and space can work wonders along with gentle reminders you are there if she wants to talk

Sounds like all the teenagers I know.

I am on my third teen and I just step back.
I have told my daughter that I won’t accept being around her when she is being obnoxious or miserable and rude.

They are old enough and know enough to communicate better. I am very clear that she has been brought up to be reasonable.

and then we stay away. Now my adult kids are kid 20s they are great people to be around, they tell me they love me, that are funny, articulate and great people to be around.
They weren’t 10 years ago!

Draw your line in the sand and tell her you are doing so and keep away from her. She’ll come back.

Leave her be, she’ll come back later, just back off for now and look at the positives like she’s doing well at college and has friends she engages with.

Definitely not all teens! The sleeping till noon, pots in rooms, staying in their room absolutely but my step daughter is very pleasant and helpful ( when asked to be fair rarely off her own back) but no bad attitude or rudeness because ultimately we wouldn't stand for it.

I think get tougher on the attitude and let the lifestyle habits go as they will hopefully change on their own x

She sounds identical to my 17 year old..I’m just looking forward to her growing out of the spiteful ness and moody behaviour but it might be another 5-6 years yet. Might send her to a Uni in the Outer Hebrides 😆

So what do you do to get tougher on the attitude?

My 17 yo boy is like this 😫

I feel like I've lost him

Do they ever return??

I was this person at 17. I was an awful awful teenager but it didn’t last. I’m always apologising to my mum for being awful. We laugh about it now! Don’t worry she won’t always be like this!

My son can be a bit like you have described and has a sharp, sarcastic tongue. I just calmly call it out at the time. Just state what I don't like about it and remind him of the impact of words. I remember snapping once after a day of constant criticism. And I told him that if you poke someone eventually they will retaliate. With hindsight things improved a lot after that. But when it comes to disappearing into his room, I am accepting of that and don't demand he spends time with me but always offer it.

Does she seem happy when she is with her friends and at school etc? If it is a recent change I would be worried that she is unhappy in some area of her life and lashing out at you because you are “safe”. If you are pretty sure that there is nothing else going on then I would leave her be, but do keep trying to connect.
But I would also put consequences in place for rudeness, if she can control it in school and work she can at home (if she is neurotypical).
Basic manners and basic chores around the house or no access to internet, don’t pay for phone or other stuff.

I'd say use the 'free' Wi-Fi as carrot and stick!