Out of my depth - weed

[Motheringishard]

So my 16 year old son has been smoking weed for probably a year on and off. When we first found weed on him we took him to the police station and involved his school (big mistake, he really resents us for doing that) we done the usual grounding, explained the risks, used real life examples etc etc none of it worked just made him more sneaky. We are now at the point of open communication with the promise of no consequences, but still boundaries eg phone tracker on at all times, never to take it anywhere near the home and never "flaunt" it.. My fear is, does this look like I am going condoning it, am I being to lenient, I just don't know what else to do. He has an appointment with CAHMS next month following his initial assessment for drug counselling and help with regulating his emotions. He says he uses it to help him sleep (he can be awake all night) and to help with anxiety and anger. We don't give him money he has finished school and works part time (apologies for long post) I kmow there is never a right way or a wrong way but am I being too soft??

He’s 16 and out of education. Personally I’d say that you don’t like it, and give the reasons not to do it, then tell him not to bring it into the house or smoke it outside. Beyond that there’s not a lot you can do. And if you push it you can push him into the wrong hands, and I had a colleague that it happened to. It was bad.

I’m assuming there’s no indication of ADHD or ASD ?

Thank you for replying. I think I need to let go of fear of judgement, I suppose when I was really clamping down I could say "look I am trying" but taking a step back (which is where I feel I am now) makes me fear people judging and thinking I don't care or I haven't tried and also fear he will get worse if we arent on his case.. Ahhh all such a head melt

It’s a hard one, being on his case can push him the wrong way.
As long as he’s educated on the risks, just let him know that you are there for him.

Similar situation with my 17 yr old DD. She is still in school- just! smoking weed . Caught her doing on the steps outside our house, in her attic bedroom . I completely flipped, to not avail. She has a part time job so not giving her money for it. It is really really tough and just want to say I am with you. Weed is bloody awful, ruins mental health, smells disgusting and is vile ! Her behaviour is pretty terrible and I attribute weed for making it worse.

He is waiting on an assessment for adhd, I never had any concerns when he was younger, he only showed signs (in hindsight) when he hit 13, he was referred to CAHMS when things got bad last year, he only got his initial assessment a few months ago, 1st session is next month. They said he has issues with emotion regulation and obviously drug use, they have also referred for a adhd assessment on his request as he feels he is but it is a year waiting list!!

Meant to add I totally get the judgement thing. I haven't told many people IRL about it as I fear their judgment. We are normal, middle class parents who live in a nice area and we haven't smoked weed since Uni days (and only a few times!) It seems teens go to weed like we used to illicitly try cigarettes or alcohol.

Thank you for replying! It is so tough and so bloody lonely, we have toddler groups where we take joy in sharing the terrible twos but when it comes to teens the judgment is horrendous so we are forced to keep it hidden and seek support in private here! Well thats my experience anyway

@Motheringishard yes I totally get that about not being able to openly discuss the real teen issues. I do have a couple of people I have confided in. But the majority of my friends have "perfect" teens who cause no worries ... I have 3 and 2 of them have been / are very tricky. Start to think it must be my /our parenting .... The worry just never ends, does it?!

He is my youngest but my other 2 never gave me any problems, I probably could have been one of those judgy parents until he came along lol I completely hear you, the mental load is relentless, I am so thankful he is my youngest, the thought of potentially dealing with this a 2nd time brings me out in a cold sweat. Hang in there, surely it has to get easier (convincing myself)

Thank you, he seems to know best 🙄I am hoping he takes heed of what the drug counsellor tells him, he was refusing to go because "he isn't addicted, he just enjoys it" 🤬🤬 but he has been told it is not optional

Is he smoking skunk? I think I would prefer to buy my kids resin or normal weed out of my own pocket if it stopped them smoking skunk.

@Motheringishard DD is my youngest too! Middle one has been great , no dramas.. eldest has had plenty of them but he's now overseas for 6 months so worrying is different but not every day stuff. I keep telling myself it will get easier but like you the mental load is shattering, on top of menopausal anxiety !!! No choice but to hang in there . Goodluck

@Wnikat how would I know what it is ?? I am very uneducated about drugs. It smells like weed, looks like weed .....

Like I say out of my depth.... I have no clue, I doubt even if I asked him he would tell me. I have asked where he is buying it from but won't tell me for because he thinks I will inform the police

My first thought was ADHD, because a hell of a lot of undiagnosed ADHD'ers self medicate. I did for years, alcohol, weed, otc meds. I read a stat that says 60% of homeless people with substance issues have some form of undiagnosed nerurodivergence.

I also say this because you mention puberty and the not sleeping. Hormones can play havoc with ADHD, also from my own experience and from other people I know with ADHD we have trouble with sleeping. I'm averaging 4 hours a night at the moment, despite the meds I take for it.

Obviously I can't diagnose him, all I can tell you is my experience. If it is ADHD then telling him to not do something is like a challenge, oppositional defiance, tell me I can't do something I will do everything in my power to do it.

I have no advice regarding the weed, apart from getting to the core issues as to why he's self medicating, is it ADHD, is it something else? And helping those issues. He needs to pack it in because street weed in the uk is absolute dog shit, it could be cut with anything.

My son was exactly the same. We too tried everything. We also very nearly made the mistake of involving the police / school. I’m so glad we didn’t.

The bad news is there’s really nothing you can do. You are right to take a step back. He will do it regardless of whether you try and intervene or not.

The good news is he will very likely grow out of it. It’s really difficult. I hate weed. It’s such a worry, we tried everything (apart from go to the police). He too has ADHD and was self medicating. Just couldn’t cope with everyday life. A big turning point came when he left school (although he didn’t go much), this was the source of his stress, coupled with peer pressure (weed is everywhere).

He’s now 18, working and doesn’t touch it. He even said a couple of days ago he couldn’t believe how much weed he smoked. He said at the time he thought it was helping him cope and thought he enjoyed it. He then said he realised it also made him massively paranoid and is so glad he doesn’t touch it anymore. He also revealed he first started at the age of 13 😬

Thank you for this.. It gives me hope that all is not lost

Im in my 40s and when I was 16 most people I knew were smoking weed. You are not condoning it by stepping back from constant conflict with a teenager

You can be clear you dont approve but it might actually helo conversation if you acceot that many many teens do smoke weed and it is essentially decrimanlised for personal use

Yes skunk is horrible but again...judgement and arguing with him wont stop him.

I smoked weed and took all sorts of drugs as a youngster and outgrew it. Can't believe you called the police 😂😂 DS, 17, and all his mates smoke it. I'm not really pleased about it but neither am I unduly concerned.

We didn't call the police we took him to the station and a community police officer spoke with him, he was barely 15 hence my reaction. My views may be clouded due to having a family member admitted to a mental health unit, they started weed very young and were admitted with cannabis induced psychosis, this was a long time ago but the impact on the family has stayed with me

I felt the same when DS1 started smoking weed, turned a bit of a blind eye, assumed he would just grow out of it, 18 months down the line his life is totally dominated by it. Doesn’t go to college, doesn’t work and everyone has stopped giving him money so he’s a vile bully. It’s good it isn’t impacting your son in the same way but for some it is a massive issue.