Best ever tips for parenting teenage boys

[LoisLane23]

Just that really, just in the cusp of having a teen and a pre teen in the house, so far so calm, however I am genuinely interested in top tips from those who have walked this rocky path before me!! Two VERY different sons, one very calm and quiet but probably less likely to tell me anything, other extroverted, sporty but very high and low emotionally. So hit me up with how to talk/feed them/manage behaviour/care but embrace independence or your best ever tip looking back. The one I'm already noticing having grown up with females is how much hunger affects them... every conversation is easier when food is around...

Pick your battles.
Honesty is always the best policy - from you and the kids
Talking in the car is always easier than when you’re facing each other.
Involve them in decisions where they will affect them and where appropriate (eg holiday destinations, where to go for Sunday lunch, what to cook for tea). They’ll appreciate being asked.
Remember that they are growing up and need to start building their independence - they’ll probably be ready before you are but you have to let it happen. Build up gradually with some basic ground rules and widen the range / time etc if things are going well (them keeping in touch as agreed, being home on time etc).
Don’t shout. No matter how cross you are it gets you nowhere. Letting them know how disappointed (etc) you are calmly hits far harder.
You cannot have too much milk, fruit or too many eggs in stock!!

Hmm. Firstly I think I'd say try your hardest to key into them as individuals (not as 'boys'). I don't personally believe that 'boys' are hugely different from 'girls' in terms of what they need from a parent. They will need different things from you, as all kids do.

Listen carefully, cut them some slack, show them you love them and are on their side even when they are being grotty.

As PP says, pick your battles. Will this thing matter next month/next year? Will they learn better by doing this stupid thing and discovering for themselves how stupid it is? What's the worst that could happen if you just shrugged? Have a few very clear boundaries and rules around things that really matter to you. Mine was that they were/are absolutely not allowed to speak to me with contempt or real rudeness. It's one of the only things that makes me properly lose my temper, so they don't do it because they don't, fundamentally, enjoy it when I'm angry with them. (Most people don't, unless they're raised by parents who are constantly yelling at them.) Save your big guns for the big stuff.

Never laugh at their misfortune, unless it's truly silly and ephemeral. Be the safe person with whom they can be vulnerable - back them up, keep their secrets, and never throw things back in their faces.

When you're in conflict with them, try to let them maintain a bit of ground/save a bit of face. Don't drive them into the dust when you've already won. I usually tried to find one small point (and sometimes large points) on which I could say 'ok sorry I was wrong about that bit'. I think the fact I'm very willing to admit fault has meant they've both grown up trusting me and (largely) telling me the truth.

Accept that at some point quite soon, you will not be able to 'make' them do what you want. You can implement consequences (withholding money and treats etc) but it's a drag, and frankly you'll feel ridiculous doing that to a 17 year old. You're building a relationship for when they're 27, 37, even 57. It needs to be based on cooperation, respect and love, because if you've raised a 37 year old who still obeys your every desire without even knowing why, you've raised an idiot.

At some point during the year in which they are 14 you will want to murder them. This is normal.

Don't be me. I called mine a selfish dickhead today and do not feel proud

Your way back is to apologise and explain how you got to that point. It can't have been one-sided. They need to understand how their behaviour affects others. Don't beat yourself up. I've been in similar place!

Aww @Polkadotpjs We've all done similar at one point or another It will blow over.

Not really what you are asking for I don't think, but sort of linkes to the independence mentioned previously. Please expect their help around the house.

I had a conversation with a friend once that started off with her complaining about how her (recent at the time) ex never did anything to help with the baby or the house and that was a big factor in the break up. She always made his packed lunches, did the shopping, planned and made dinners, did all of the laundry, cleaned the house, managed the bills etc etc. as well as almost all of the care for their baby, plus her older three teenagers.

Later in the same convo she mentioned her 16 year old would be woken up every morning with breakfast in bed when she went in to collect his washing, and his lunch would be waiting for him next to his school bag downstairs..he didn't cook anything (even just putting a tray in the oven) even if he didnt want the meal she was making, so she would make something else.. she didn't see the irony but did start upping her expectations of him not long after!

We are likely raising someone's future partner and we need to do what we can to make sure they won't be shit ones!

Keep the fridge and freezer stocked. Arms and ears open (and your wallet) available at all times. Open up your house to their mates, too… let them know they’re welcome.
try not to worry about them too much. And when they get really really lippy and smart arsed, try not to bite back - that’s the difficult bit!

Always knock on their door and wait a few seconds;
food in the freezer, fridge, cupboards;
so many toiletries;
discuss difficult subjects whilst you are driving - saves looking at them and seeing the eye rolls;
let them do all of their own ironing;
teach them to cook.

Hunger is a big thing as you say. Don't even try to have any kind of conversation before they are fed! Teach them to cook, even if it is something quite simple. Pick your battles. Some things just really don't matter. Don't criticise their friends. If they criticise them, just keep quiet.

I would encourage watching a lot of stuff together on TV. There are some really interesting documentaries on YouTube that a lot of teenage boys enjoy. Choose things that you can discuss afterwards.

I'm watching and taking notes.

Brilliantly useful, thank you for taking the time, I'm trying well with the talking/friendships/picking battles and sleep I've also found causes harmony and disharmony at the drop of a hat! Much like the toddler years only taller...!! We're also trying to find things to watch, films, series that don't shy away from themes. Great tips.

Start with language.
You refer to "boys" and "females".
Don't.

Talk to them and listen to them. Work at keeping the lines of communication open. Help them articulate their feelings, get them to name their feelings- like you would with a toddler! My 14 year old ds was stomping around and huffing at me first thing this morning, I stopped took a breath, hugged him and asked how he was feeling. He got a bit tearful and told me he was exhausted and not sure he had the energy for the day - it’s that nearly end of term feeling. I gave him sympathy and reassurance and he went off to school happier.

Make sure there's always wine in the fridge 😉

Count to 5 before you say 'no' to anything so you can be sure of your reason for doing so.

When they're being a git, respond to the emotion they are expressing first, not the words.

Get good parental controls on your WiFi.

And yes to wine in the fridge 😁

Remember you are their parent NOT their mate.
Though they would never admit it, when they're struggling to fit in with the "cool kids", pushing boundaries etc being consistent, firm and not backing down might be what they sub consciously want.
They can still know you've got their back even if you're the boring Mum.

That they can ALWAYS come to you if they're in trouble. There might be consequences down the line but in that moment the important thing is that they're safe.

That you are happy to help their mates out with lifts, feeding them etc.

I'm out of the other side with my adult son and we have a great relationship. I'm in the thick of it with my 15 yo.