DD 13's friend sends her concerning texts

[BlueRaspberry7]

My DD is 13. She's quite vulnerable with ASD and history of anxiety.

A new girl joined her school having had a difficult ending at another school.I sunny know details

This girl has become very reliant on my DD. Demands immediate responses to her texts and calls. Since the friendship began, my DD started self harming.

I check my DD's phone periodically for safeguarding - as advised by her therapist. There are texts from this friend with content that she makes my DD promise not to tell anyone, including:

Two friends of hers that have recently died from overdoses

That the girl is climbing out her window at night when her mum is also to meet an older boy who she has been kissing - she shared messages from the older boy about him being "turned on" by her and planning another visit with him in the woods

Last time I spoke to school about the self harm they told the friend's parents and my DD received threatening texts from the friend and was ostracised fora while. She is very hot and cold with my daughter. The friend seems to be vulnerable also - she tells my DD that her mother has "checked out" of parenting. It's hard to know if she is in with a bad crowd or making things up for attention?

I've emailed school not mentioning any names to flag concerns. They've asked for screenshots and names and of course I know we as adults have a duty to safeguard.

What would you do?

This is a tough one, the girl seems to be going through a lot. She’s found a friend in your dd and is confiding in her but it seems like she’s also pushing some of her thoughts and ideas onto your dd.

Youre right to contact the school, as you say, it story duty to safeguard and help protect this girl. Let the school take control and hopefully her life turns around.

If she sent hurtful messages before then I reckon she will do it again, you can speak to your dd and try help her realise that this child is controlling and not really a friend. Try encourage new friendships and maybe even see if you can talk your dd into blocking her number.

Oh God, the thought of that girl going into the woods with some strange bloke in the middle of the night. Just makes my blood run cold. Definitely definitely send screenshots to the school.

i'm not up to date on modern techniques but i'd be sitting down my my dd, discussing how her asd makes her more vulnerable to unsuitable friends.
i would highlight how some of the messages are beyond what most 13 year old's have the maturity to deal with.
again highlighting how constant quick replies etc are inappropriate and any other inappropriate content.
then i would say no to the friendship making it clear it's unhealthy for your dd.

If your dd is self harming now influenced by this friend you need to cut contact. Self harming once started is really hard to dislodge especially in teenage girls with ASD.

Whilst the friend (although it's not really a friendship is it? Maybe stop referring to her as a friend) is going through a bad time, this isn't fair on your daughter to have to deal with.

The school need to be getting social services involved. What does your daughter say about cutting the friendship off? Have you discussed it with her? My ASD Daughter had something similar happen to her and really wanted me to step in and distance her from the girls involved.

Cutting contact would be tricky as they're in the same form at school. I've seen that the friend can be very sweet and caring as well, and my Dd has warm feelings towards her.

We talk a lot about boundaries at home and learning to say no and set limits contact - but completely cutting her off is not really possible.

Honestly OP, nothing at all should be too "tricky" if your daughter has been harming herself since this friendship began. It absolutely is possible to cut nearly all contact.

You need to start with one of them moving forms, and don't rule out moving schools. This is really serious.

i'm not up to date on modern techniques but i'd be sitting down my my dd, discussing how her asd makes her more vulnerable to unsuitable friends.
i would highlight how some of the messages are beyond what most 13 year old's have the maturity to deal with.

This is good advice. I’m autistic (although sadly didn’t know until my 40s) and it definitely made me vulnerable to being manipulated by unsuitable friends as a teen. The main problem is spending your life being socially rejected, so when you finally get a “best friend” it’s welcomed, even if it’s too intense and detrimental to your well-being.

The self harming is very concerning and almost certainly will escalate unless you intervene.

Having gone through similar with my own dc take the phone away NOW. Limit contact with "friend" advise school that you don't want them paired up/you want different classes next year for safeguarding reasons.

We were advised not to take phone it has led to years of self harm, indecent photos, threats and attenpts of suicide....the where amount of forums easily accessible is astonishing and if she's an ASD girl highly likely to join the trans bandwagon (from personal experience ALL dd teen girl friends with asd now identify as boys.....and all eg each other in for binders/ hormones etc).

Seperate them, and add in new clubs new people new experiences before this identity becomes defining.

Just to add we tried being helpful / kind / compassionate & supportive towards the "friend".

You know what happened - the "friend" turned the entire year group against her as well as some staff for imagined slights, (telling teacher about her sh or disclosing so very concerning behaviour - she was called a transphobe/a grass/ a bigot) friend because popular of the back of my daughter downward spiral.

my daughter was ostracized so that no child would sit next to her without an argument, none would work with her. Her MH is ruined because she was trying to be kind.

Put your child first...

The other will soon move onto a new victim

I would be encouraging your dd to back off from this friendship.

Also coach her responses to nasty messages

I would sit down and explain to her why you are going to limit phone use. When my son had a few issues I explained I was going to remove it but that he hadn't done wrong but it wasn't good for him at the moment.
I kept him really busy for a few weeks after school so he didn't have to much opportunity to dwell on things.

You need a discussion with the school about safeguarding your child, probably starting with moving the other child into another form. It makes sense for her to be the one who moves as your child will be more settled in the form group and she is not the one causing problems.

To me it looks like she saw your Dd as vulnerable and now has taken her on as her new target, disguised as a friend.
I wonder if this what was happening at her other school and one reason for her moving.
No idea how to deal with it, but I certainly wouldn't be keeping her secrets for her and I'd send all screen shots to the school. Otherwise you are handing her your Dd to trreat how she wants.

Thanks for the tips.
Following a string of unkind messages from the "friend " and seeing the effect on my sweet kind vulnerable DD -

I've decided to make my daughters mental well-being and safety my priority.

Requested a meeting with the school mental health lead to talk about the negative impact of the other child on my DD.

Is there anything I can reasonably ask the school to do about beyond moving forms next year? The other child is very troubled sadly and I'm tired of my vulnerable child being at the receiving end - as well as other vulnerable girls in the same group.

Feel I need to be assertive about this with school now.