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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How much freedom?

17 replies

SleepydogLies · 25/06/2023 08:20

Hello, I'm asking for insight really, as it's our first, we are finding our way. I find it so hard to know what fair boundaries and expectations are.

Our eldest is 17 (one of the oldest in the year). His GF is 18 and the year above.

How much freedom during weekends and holidays do you give yours at this age?

He's driving, holds down a weekend job, doing A-levels.

Weekends, he's out and about, staying over with GF, mates etc. Late nights, pub trips, hanging at/with friends'.

Is this normal spreading of wings? Are we too soft?

I find it so hard to see what's right and acceptable when it's our own family.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 25/06/2023 08:22

It sounds normal to me.

If he's doing ok with his job and A levels while socialising, then he's keeping a sensible balance.

Betterlatethanontime · 25/06/2023 08:23

It depends on the child. I wouldn’t think over night is ok, but certainly not an early time to be home. If he is managing all his responsibilities I wouldn’t be too strict.

NuffSaidSam · 25/06/2023 08:26

Sounds fine to me. You're less than a year away from him being an adult and possibly leaving home if he's going away to Uni. You can't really have any restrictions on him at this point.

I think the only rules you can have are those that relate to being a good member of the household (keeping bedroom clean/helping out with stuff/not coming home and waking everyone up in the middle of the night/contributing to the cost of running the car etc).

rookiemere · 25/06/2023 08:31

DS is also 17, not passed his driving test yet which I must admit to being a bit relieved about.

He goes out with his mates and tells us roughly when he will be home, which could be 2 am.He doesn't have a curfew, or a phone tracker, all we ask is that if we text him he texts back. Have never had to as he does what he says he will.

He underage drinks and they manage to get into a nightclub. Can't really talk as I did the same at that age.

I think it's better to keep lines of communication open, particularly if they seem to be with a fundamentally decent crowd. Drugs and drunk driving are what I worry about, think we're ok on the drug front ( he is in the rugby set and takes his fitness seriously).

Original poster
SleepydogLies · 25/06/2023 08:36

Thank you all. Seems like we're doing ok... For now!

He keeps communication open and is honest about where he is and what he's up to (I'm assuming, mostly!), answers phone, updates us etc.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 25/06/2023 09:02

Betterlatethanontime · 25/06/2023 08:23

It depends on the child. I wouldn’t think over night is ok, but certainly not an early time to be home. If he is managing all his responsibilities I wouldn’t be too strict.

Why can't a 17 year old stay out overnight?! I think it's all perfectly fine. I was going to Spain with friends at that age. Often away in London for the weekend, at festivals etc.

Betterlatethanontime · 25/06/2023 09:07

SallyWD · 25/06/2023 09:02

Why can't a 17 year old stay out overnight?! I think it's all perfectly fine. I was going to Spain with friends at that age. Often away in London for the weekend, at festivals etc.

Show quote history

It depends on the child. I would just like to know they made it home safe. It really depends on how responsible the child is.

RuthW · 25/06/2023 09:21

At that age, no rules on non school days

Chchchanging · 25/06/2023 09:25

Totally fine. My 17 year old is the same. The only rules we have are no driving after ANY alcohol (he knows to call at any hour if he gets stuck somewhere and taxis won't come and he's had a drink), and he texts when he knows where he will be.
It works fine.

redskytwonight · 25/06/2023 09:48

Agree sounds normal. My DD is the same age and we expect her to be sensible about how late she is out on school days (we've never imposed a strict curfew as she is sensible) but happy for her to go/do whatever at other times. We ask that she tells us where and who she's with (roughly), if she'll be home for dinner, when she'll be home after a night out (or if she's staying a friend's) and we expect her to have a plan to get home that doesn't involve walking on her own late at night.

planthelpadvice · 25/06/2023 09:57

Sounds completely normal to me! Certainly what I was doing at 17. It's great he has friends, a girlfriend, a job and is keeping up with school/college work. If he keeps you broadly in the loop about where is and you're reasonably confident he's not doing anything too wild, it sounds like you couldn't ask for much more 🙂

Polik · 25/06/2023 10:04

Normal for an approaching 18yo

What's helped he feel confident my children are safe is normalising family tracking apps. We never comment negatively on their whereabouts, but is it useful when DC is at a nightclubs I wake at 3am wondering if they're OK. I can check and see they are in a taxi, at a mates house, still in the club, or whatever.

Rollergirl11 · 25/06/2023 10:04

Yep sounds fine to me and pretty much the same as DD 17 is doing. She has a big mixed friendship group who are a good bunch. On a night out they always make sure everyone is getting home okay and nobody left to get home alone. Thankfully none of them are really driving yet so don’t have to worry about drink driving. As far as I know no drugs. No pubs or clubs yet as places round here really hot with the fake ID’s so they mostly go to party’s/gavs round someone’s house.

Polik · 25/06/2023 10:23

No pubs or clubs yet as places round here really hot with the fake ID’s so they mostly go to party’s/gavs round someone’s house.

Reminds me of thr time DD (approaching 19) didn't have her driving licence when she needed ID for an application. I asked- "Why don't you have your licence? Where is it? You've not lost it have you?"

Answer - I lent my driving licence to my (still 17yo, youngest in the year) best mate so she could get into a club.

My DD and her mate dont look alike. So seems nowadays, it's not about fake IDs. It's about doormen not seeing any differences between the hundreds teen girls that they see every night.

rookiemere · 25/06/2023 11:36

The fake ID thing reminds me of a couple of weeks ago when DS had some friends round for a sleepover ( or whatever you're meant to call it at that age).

One of them had left their wallet out in the living room, so I opened it to see which one it belonged to, only to not recognise the name or the face. At first I was a bit perplexed- happy to have his friends stay over, but out of common courtesy I like to know who it is in advance- until I saw another card with the boy's actual name . The other was his fake ID.

Rollergirl11 · 25/06/2023 12:45

Actually DD has told me that there’s no point buying a fake ID with your picture they just makes you older as they don’t stand up to being scanned. And you just have to borrow someone’s real ID that you bear a passing resemblance to.

In my day you just had to memorise the details on someone’s paper driving license. Didn’t have photos to contend with! Happy Days!! 😂😂

Original poster
SleepydogLies · 25/06/2023 13:13

They rent real IDs per night 🤦🏼‍♀️

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