So D17 met this boy in March & they gradually became closer. The problem is that he cannot help but lie - all the time, about big and small things, not apparently for gain, often in ways that mean he will obviously get found out. I have this from his mum; she and I met for coffee not long after they became close, and there were big differences between factual things he'd told my D and things his mum was saying. She also told me a number of eyebrow-raising stories about stuff he'd done over the years that had caused real trouble.
Honesty is MASSIVELY important to my D. She has various neurodiverse traits, and really cannot handle lies. She usually goes out of her way to avoid dishonest people.
At the time, I decided (in consultation with her therapist) that it was better for my D to hear about her boy's unreliability from someone she already trusted, i.e. me, than to find out accidentally. This was driven significantly by my concerns about her safety from herself - she has massive mental health issues. I was really worried that she was clearly putting SO much emotional reliance on someone so inconsistent, and worried what she might do to herself when she found out he couldn't be trusted. In the gentlest way possible, I had a conversation with her, in which I described his version of things as not 'agreeing' with his mum's, that it probably came from a place of just wanting to feel closer to her (my D), and that it might be a good idea to just clear the air with him.
I don't know how the chat between the two of them went, but she must have been satisfied with whatever he said because 3 months later they are inseparable. In the meantime, he must have had a rage at his mum, because she had a fit and accused me of sharing 'personal information' with my daughter and said that she could no longer be in touch.
I should say that he seems to be basically quite a sweet, if somewhat awkward and insecure, kid, and he clearly cares MASSIVELY about my D - that's obvious in the way he behaves towards her. He also has really significant mental health issues, aside from the lying - that's how they connected in the first place - so is also quite vulnerable.
Things have come to a head recently for two main reasons. One, he's been lying to her about his age throughout. They are at different schools; he's told her that he's also 17, and repeating year 11. According to his mum, this is not true - he's 16 and on his first time through. (I'm sure my D wouldn't have cared if he'd been honest about it from the start.) I've referred to him throughout as 16, but my D has been angry about this, saying he's 17 and that this is a sign that we don't trust HER. This culminated in him recently sending us, her parents, a screenshot of his passport, showing a fake date of birth - it was a good fake, but he'd forgotten to change the year in the coded strip at the bottom. So now we have actual proof of at least one of his lies.
The second reason is that they've started having sex, so the stakes are MUCH higher in terms of her emotional involvement. She has simply gone ahead and done stuff with him, in the house, without any discussion of boundaries - which we have never had with her previously because this is literally the first time she has shown any interest in boys, let alone actually had a boyfriend. They have basically gone from 0 to 60 without us having a chance to say, hang on - this isn't how young people normally behave. Trying to re-state boundaries is getting us nowhere because she just yells that we're making her feel unwelcome at home, and not acknowledging how important it is to her that she has someone to care for when she has been so lonely for so long (see above re mental health). And to be honest, I'd rather she was having sex than dead; and I'd rather that she was somewhere safe than in a random park somewhere; and I don't doubt the sincerity of their belief that they are soulmates & meant to be together forever, however statistically unlikely that is.
I honestly don't know what to do. I don't feel that trying again to let her know about his lies is going to get us anywhere. He will no doubt find creative ways to explain stuff away, and all it will do is set up an opposition between him and us, in which she will clearly choose him. But I'm incredibly worried about the intensity of their relationship and her vulnerability. At some point, she is bound to find out he's got a flexible relationship with the truth, and I think she will find that incredibly hard, and I don't know what she might do as a result (see again: mental health). I imagine he's already told her many, many lies big and small, so that relationship that is so important to her is likely founded on a complete fantasy.
If anyone has any ideas about how I can best keep her safe in this situation, I would really love to her them. Thank you.