DD 13 vaping. What to do?

[AlwaysSomethingWithTeens]

I've mentioned this on another thread, but starting this for as much advice as possible!

I'm sure DD13 is vaping. A couple of times I've found a lighter and Rizlas (fell out of her pocket once, saw then in an open bag another). Another mum found vapes at a sleepover. Each time she swore blind she (and her friends) had been made to look after them by older kids and denied she'd done it.

I believed her about older kids being involved. But not that she hadn't tried it. (And the Rizlas/lighter make me fear weed.)

She spends most of the time in her room - has done for ages - but now usually with the window wide open... another classic sign apparently.

And now I've found another vape in her bag (I went looking).

She was at her friend's last night so trying to work out what to say when she's back.

I've read other threads. I know it's practically impossible to stop her if she's determined to do it. But she's 13. I can't let it go. What else will she try?

(DH is around btw. But he just wants to pretend none of this is happening).

Also - tempted to throw the vape away. Good/bad idea?? Feels wrong to leave it though a) she'll know I looked through her bag b) will probably have more...

When I found stuff in DS’s room I always threw it away.
Can you contact school to see if they can do something around the dangers of vaping ?

You'd know if it was weed the smell is obvious. Bin anything you find.

Thanks both. I think I will. But she'll know I've searched through her bag if I do.

She is a child, you are protecting her when she’s making bad choices.

So what if she knows you’ve searched her bag? To be honest I would confront her with all the evidence. Then have a very frank discussion about the health (both physical and mental) risks. Do your research and present it, get her to look at research with you. Ask the school to do some education on this, my ds school had the school nurse do it. Explain you will have to limit her access to money until you can trust her to spend it wisely.

When she gets back I’d just say I’d had a tip off she’s vaping. I told tipster I didn’t think so but I would like her to empty contents of bag.

if she denies and tries to hide, you take over bag search.

?? no idea, not been in that situation yet. Trying to remember from when I was the child sneaking cigarettes …

OP.because she’s 13 you can crack down hard. You will be searching her room whenever you want, you will be throwing away anything you find, you will be stopping all her pocket money (how is she paying for it), she will be grounded.

Gosh, vaping seems like an epidemic amongst young teens. I’m now a middle aged woman, but smoked aged 13/14 and did so for the next 20 years. I feel it was a mixture’s of peer pressure and lack of discipline from my single mother. My DC’s are a couple of years older than yours and we’ve had one vape incident to which DS confessed.

My DC know I would tear apart their bedrooms and any school bags, ground them and shut down any pocket money/allowance, tell their peers mothers and their school, stop all extra curricular.

Good luck.

I've got a kid the same age. I'd absolutely take away the vape. I'd make her sit down with me and have a proper discussion about why it's a stupid thing to do. I'd also stop her pocket money or severely reduce it to try and prevent her buying them.

I'd also be doing regular bag and room checks to look for them.

It's definitely worth informing the school but they're probably well aware of it and struggling to deal with it too.

We've already had those conversations about health and cost. That's why I'm stuck. Peer pressure and/or habit obviously trumping it.

Pocket money feels harder. Vapes aren't expensive so even giving her money for lunch or something would be enough.

It's definitely an issue at school.

Ps - thanks all. Appreciate the advice.

Packed lunch then?when we were at school people would split the cost of a packet of cigarettes. They are probably doing the same with the vapes too.

No advice but I feel for you. As she may be addicted to the nicotine, will you need to address it in a more considered way?

We sat down had a massive “we give you freedom and you are abusing that” if this goes on we will have to ground you. Health / cost not what our family do. But we didn’t get cross.

Dd values money and freedom and we said if it continued we would withdraw both. Not found any since and Dd in a recent chat let slip she is affectionally known as the odd one out as she doesn’t vape.

The rest of her group all do. Mixed social group (state and private) they are the more confident sociable kids. It’s basically endemic I found out from my more experienced mum of teen friends. They don’t stress about it and most grow out of it apparently

I would love her to show that amount of maturity @TheaBrandt but I'm not sure she's there yet.

I'm definitely going to confiscate the vape. How I then tackle it I'm not sure. She also values money and freedom but I need to work out how to restrict what she can do without cutting either off, which isn't realistic.

I’d go berserk OP, I don’t have kids but if I did and knew this was happening I’d bin every single scrap of paraphernalia.

The vape companies are going to be responsible for a whole multitude of related health problems given how widespread using them has got. Kids need to be taught how bad they are for you and the government need to ban flavoured ones outright.

”I’d go beserk”. Yes great parenting technique there - ranting and raving at teens works everytime and ensures they will not then hide everything in their lives and never tell you anything ever again.

Tell her you found the vape in her bag and that you’ll be checking her bag regularly.

@Riapia yes I have told her I found it. And that I'd do spot checks. And money/freedom would be restricted if I find anything (as it has been today).

It's tempting to scream and shout @Brrrrrrrrrrrr - and I won't pretend to always stay calm. But it doesn't work.

You throw it away. Stop giving her money. If it still doesn’t stop, start walking her to and from school. she has shown she can’t be trusted to make smart choices when not supervised.

‘Thanks both. I think I will. But she'll know I've searched through her bag if I do.’

She’s a child, you’re parenting her. We have told DS 13 that if he vapes or smokes he will lose pocket money, freedom, phone.
we talk to him and are open about this, drugs, alcohol etc as we live in a city we’re all are available to kids but he knows that we do not think it’s okay to do ANY of this as a kid

Yes, it's thrown away and not allowed out today. Random bag checks , and I've said we'll restrict her money and freedom more if it happens again.

But it was given to her apparently (and they only cost a few quid anyway) so we can't stop that.

@StarmanBobby has your DS been offered anything/come into contact with it? We talked to DD too - but peer pressure won.

Have you asked her why she is vaping? Presumably it's peer pressure etc but it might do her good to actually think about it and face the "why" herself?