Teen DD says no to everything

[Windowcleaning]

Yes, I get that she's just finished her GCSEs, I get that being 16 is tough and it's a way of exerting control, but I honestly don't know what to do.

If sitting in her room looking at her phone made her happy, I'd be all well, crack on then, but it doesn't. Today, she's refused to put suncream on (I know I shouldn't nag, but my friend died of skin cancer aged 20 and it's a non- negotiable for me), screamed at DH about leaving some stuff out in the kitchen, listed a load of things she's not doing (prom, holiday, going out, weekends away, getting a job, voluntary work) and has gone to sit in the dark in her bedroom, having broken a plate by slamming it down.

This isn't an unheard of mood state for her tbh, and it really worried me that without the structure of school, she's just going to spiral down.

As you no doubt know, being 13-18ish these days can be unbelievably difficult. The SM they’re all addicted to makes it worse, as obviously everyone else is out having so much fun, fitting in, looking great etc.

I have a 17yo dd and a 19yo ds. DS had a pretty hellish time until Y12 when a) he changed schools and found a peer group that suited him more, and b) he naturally matured. Dd has had bad times too, but has a good group of friends who generally help each other get through.
it sounds like your dd is more like my ds.

what I did wrong was:
wanted him to ‘get out and socialise’, get some fresh air etc. I was inadvertently putting more pressure on him when home, his room and x-box, was his safe space.
I nagged about small things (cleaning up after himself etc) which didn’t help, although I thought I was teaching him important life lessons.
Probably everything else.

what I’d do now:
try to avoid cajoling him to do anything that added to his feeling of inadequacy. Offer small trips out, for lunch, short shopping trip etc, but only between us or with one friend (always happy to drive him anywhere). Maybe a film when no one else would be there. He was happiest doing something like a weekend away so he wouldn’t run into anyone.
Build confidence at EVERY opportunity- “thanks so much for... walking the dog/emptying the dishwasher/ being nice to sibling” etc. It sounds false to you at the time but actually has really positive effects.
Leave her be. And try your best to ignore bad behaviour, and don’t take it personally. Like all of childhood, this will also pass.

the summer might seem long, but it will end. She’ll get into a rhythm and time will pass. She will mature too - maybe not this year but in a couple of years you’ll be through this.

DS has just finished 1st year of uni. He’s away on 4 different short holidays with different friends this summer and truly is living his best life.

I still have to get dd there but, having gone through it once, I can see how they generally do get there in the end.

💐 for you tonight though, it’s horrible seeing them sad.

Thank you for taking the time to post that. Trying to keep hold of the bigger picture really does help.

Good to hear that your ds has come out the other side.

glad I read this post - it’s good sound advice

They're so tired at the end of exams. Mine just slept and lolled around for a while decompressing. I just waited until I sensed they were in the right mood and took them shopping for a teeshirt or pair of jeans, etc. As a treat. It's a horrible age I found them getting a little job, their own money and mixing with others helped.

Thanks. DD started writing a CV last night with a view to looking for a job. It would do her the world of good to feel more independent, talking to people etc.

I went out and will be doing so again tonight, which did me the world of good.

Member 786488
what a kind and helpful response. Wish mumsnet was always like this. Good luck op 💐💐

Glad to read of the positive step of looking for a job. Also because I think it is an awful event, glad to read of your DD not wanting to go to prom.

Hope it is a turning point and that the job search is a success.

@Member786488
Thank you so much!
I needed to read this...

I had three sixteen year olds, two went into hospitality, glass collecting or waiting on which meant mum in the car at 6am I saw some wonderful sunrises while son served breakfasts etc in a hotel. Then there's chambermaiding later start.

Then youngest worked for a pub group collecting glasses, waiting on. Mum sitting in the carpark late evening.

Now the third one was the smartest. Working for a farm fencing guy. Picked up at 8am, dropped off by 5pm I didn't have to do a thing. He then had free evenings.

They all did jobs like this right through university. Improves CVs

@Windowcleaning both of those things will help enormously. If she can get a little job it will give her confidence and structure. And you need to have time when you’re focused on you to put her temporary problems into perspective.
I hope you both manage to enjoy some of your summer.

I spoke too soon. She hasn't left the house for over a week aside from a 5 minute walk with me on Sunday evening.

Still, she can hear about the nice time that other kids have at the prom that she's not going to this evening.

So fucking fed up with this constant worry. Yes, I know I should back off, but I don't know how to tolerate watching her spiral into acute isolation without trying to do something about it.