Conflict with teen twins

[vestanesta]

I have 14 yr old dds and I am really struggling.

Dd2 can be quite secretive and is an excellent liar.

Dd1 is a much open but very prone to exaggeration.

They can be very close but also clash a lot. They both probably go over the top in terms of shouting, pushing etc but dd2 is stealthy and doesn't do it in front of us whereas dd1 is much more visible so cops a lot more telling off.

Dd1 understandably gets upset by what she perceives as unfairness but it is really hard to deal with something that you don't see and don't 100% trust (due to the exaggeration). She also brings school stuff home so will tell
me if dd2 has arguments with people or is 'weird'.

I have talked to them both so many times as has dh. Dd1 is very emotionally expressive, shouts, tells me that I don't care about her and prefer her sister as I never tell her sister off or punish her.

Any suggestions gratefully received as I really don't want dd1 to feel like the scapegoat but other than talking to dd2 which I do a lot , how can I punish on unreliable hearsay?

Here with solidarity rather than advice, unfortunately.

Also 14-yr-old (B/G) twins here and there's a LOT of clashing. In our case there are other things going on too - likely neurodiversity. DTD is a highly strung, highly sensitive sort of person (and a teenager) and unfortunately a lot of the time just finds her brother intolerable. I think she works hard at being on an even keel at school and then lets it out at home and her twin is the usual target (though none of us are safe!).

DS is not perfect - and will provoke her/not give her space when she needs it. But he's generally the target rather than the instigator as far as I can see - though DD doesn't see it that way and thinks he is favoured, which then makes her angrier. Etc etc.

I think it must be hard being a teenage twin - so much of your development at that age is about identity, and a built-in spy at school isn't ideal. Will be interested to hear any more helpful responses you get. I don't know what you should do - but I see you and hear you!

Nip the tale telling in the bud.
Have the DD's back at least some of the time. Both of them.

I read your post as you preferring DD1.

Have you read and worked through Siblings without rivalry?

You sit them one end of the table so they have to look at each other.

Then ask one to speak explaining you will listen to each. Then ask them to decide what happens next

Do this every time

They need to sort their own shit out and you should not put yourself in the middle - because you won’t come out looking good.

Family meetings regularly, they both have to be present (whether they want to be or not). The person holding the wooden spoon gets to speak, everyone else listens. The spoon gets passed around, mum and dad included. You tell them how their behaviour affects you.

And pp is right, they need to tell each other their whinges and resentments, make them work on their communication!

Treat them as you see them. Be as fair as possible. Just say if things are happening at school then you will rely on the school to contact you if there are concerns, for the pair of them, and that you do not need to hear either one of them gossiping about the others day at school, at home, unless they have serious concerns about someone’s welfare.

Teen are going to be teens. You have to let them make mistakes sometimes.

If it is happening at home, make them both sit down and hash it out

Is DD1 being an off loader that needs to be heard?

Lots of hmmm and reflective listening rather than you doing something.

@danesch thank you for the solidarity!

@FayCarew interesting that you thought I prefer dd1. The issue is that dh tends to side with dd2 as dd1 is so antagonistic and I try hard to be fair/even and I do advocate for her a lot but I am very close to dd2 too.

I have tried laying down the law re not telling tales/bringing home school stuff. I tell them I'm not listening to it, I walk away etc but dd1 doesn't let it go and will follow me around. She will talk through all her friendship traumas/boy troubles/teacher problems too and I do the ohhs and umms in the right places and offer little bits of advice, mostly about letting things go and looking at the big picture.

I will try sitting them down again together and talk it through one at a time.

Gahhhh - this is so hard! They are both lovely girls of whom I am very proud but this constant conflict is awful to live with and I feel like such a bad mum

Ah, sorry, I misread.
You sound like a good mother.