DD is her own worst enemy

[PoopednPastit]

Just looking for advice please! Sorry for the long post. DD is 13, and perfectly normally wants to cut the apron strings, thinks I'm interfering/babying her/embarrassing/stupid etc etc., all par for the course! But it's like she wants to be depressed. Her biggest problem is laziness (or, I suspect, a fear of failure that stops her trying); she will not put any effort into homework or anything else that's a challenge, and predictably she's falling behind at school. It's now spoiling her dance classes, which she loves, because now she's at higher grades she needs to be practicing at home, and either won't, or makes a mistake and quits. I have to see her upset every day when she feels "useless", but if I encourage her to see that her lack of input is making it worse, of course I'm "nagging". I hate watching her throw away her future and the hobby she enjoys, but I'm at the end of my rope for getting into rows every time we try to discuss it. I don't deliberately nag but I can't let her chuck her GCSE prospects down the pan for lack of intervention. In a way it's tempting to let her fail so she can see the cause and effect for herself, but it seems too much is at stake academically, and if I let her drop out of dance it'll be cutting off the one thing that makes her happy. Can anyone recommend a new angle to try with her? Thanks for reading!

Just smile and nod for the next 4 to 5 years, I often found myself saying "well if you think that's the right thing to do" so I was acknowledging her particular issue but not putting any pressure on her.

My dd as a teen was much more complicated than Ds.

She sounds just like my DD, she's now 16 and just finished her GCSE exams.

I found the more I nagged (lovingly suggested) the less she did. So I stopped. Just tried to get her to think more about her own decisions, how it would effect her or the people around her.

I think maybe you're approaching it wrong. You need to talk to her about the dance. It's different when they're young and they're just doing basic steps but not everybody can be an actual ballerina so she needs to recognise that. It's the same with my eldest ds and football, eventually he wasn't good enough. That's ok. It makes no difference to his life, he's enjoying other things at Uni.

I would nag less, but talk to her about her next steps at 16/18/21 etc. What does she want to do? What does she need to do to get there? What's the fall back option/alternative if she doesn't get there. Make sure she has a clear idea and the help that she needs, but it ultimately has to be her decision.

With the dancing I'd just leave her be. Let her not be good enough and see what the result is. Maybe she works harder. Maybe she quits. Maybe she carries on but at a lower grade than her friends. PP is correct that unless she's got real hopes of being a professional dancer it's going to fall by the wayside at some point over the next few years anyway.

I am thankfully out the other side of this with my daughter, but she was so like this. Looking back, I can see that it was low self esteem when it came to academics (high achieving school), and a fear of failure etc. I don't think that there is a magic solution and it has to be a combination of reminders, boundaries, LOTS of love and encouragement, natural praise and pride in her where you can, and spending time where there is no expectation or outcome, just hanging out or doing something she likes. And I look back now and think actually, a lot of the conflict was needed - we loved each other fiercely, but argued fiercely too...the fire was necessary, so don't be afraid of it! Sending love and support ❤️

I agree with poster who says to take the line ''if that's what you think is best''.

At one point, I could have been accused of being an almond mum. My daughter really pushed back, she put on weight, she cried about being fat, she said ''do you think I'm fat?'' through wails. One day I said ''the problem is YOU think you're fat. Never ever tell me that you're fat again when you're choosing what to eat''. She started to lose weight after that and is actually slim now. She always worked hard at school.
With my younger child now 17, he will probably not get in to university, but me nagging him won't get him in to university either.

My DD is a bit older, but I recognize many of the things you say. I also don't have a magic solution, and I do nag more than I should.

She had to quit a sport she liked and was good at due to a physical issue; she's a person who needs to move, though, and has been trying several different sports since and quitting very early on. It is hard for her to accept she will not automatically be the best at a new sport (as she's used to being very good - at the sport she did for 9 years from age 4 - and being a beginner is unpleasant) and she's not willing to go through the initial spurt of work required to learn the basics. It's maddening! And all of this is happening at a time she's at the peak of her teen inactivity/laziness. The lack of sport makes her irritable, though, as it does her father when he's not active. I don't think there is a solution other than say your piece - multiple times - and wait for her to realize it for herself, or not. It is her life in the end.
I am hoping the fact that her boyfriend is a high level athlete for his age will help her see it... she definitely realizes he has to make sacrifices for his sport, as she had to back when she was competing, but that's as far as she's come.

As for school, I do still supervize that the work gets done and gets done to an acceptable level. We don't require perfection, but school is the most important thing in addition to mental health. Both her dad and I have the jobs and lives we have now because we did well at school, it is the most straightforward way to having choices as a young adult. She is doing well at school and I'll do everything I can so this continues.

A lot of teen development (from my n=1) seems to go through phases that are sharply delineated. This year has been characterized by social and emotional development (boyfriend, best friends, growing independence), with hobbies/school secondary in her mind. Our job is making sure important facets of life don't fall by the wayside while she's focusing on another issue... and yes, there are fights. I, as the mother, seem to be fighting with her a lot more than her dad.

And I look back now and think actually, a lot of the conflict was needed - we loved each other fiercely, but argued fiercely too...the fire was necessary, so don't be afraid of it! @PressPauseontheMenopause , thank you for this!

Thanks so much everyone! (Yes, the necessary fire rings bell!) She does hope to study performing arts or dance at college, and we've talked that through with alternative options if it doesn't work out; frankly, at this rate I'll just be happy if she ends up with any job at all! Hopefully she'll get through it and the self-destructive laziness/avoidance will prove a passing phase. Deep breaths all round until then I guess! xx