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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage son extremely lonely

24 replies

Littlkit · 19/06/2023 00:41

Hi
I have a 17 year old son who is extremely lonely.
He seemed to struggle in school for years 9, 10 and 11. He moved schools during year 10 so that may have not helped.
I don't know how to help him.
Are there any parents who have managed to help their children in this situation?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 19/06/2023 00:48

Are there any lunch time groups or clubs he could get involved with? After school activities? It is a very difficult age, especially if he has moved school and hasn't found a friendship group that will include him. Does he have any interests like music, or sport that he could do outside school? Something that could build his confidence?

misssunshine4040 · 19/06/2023 01:00

Could he get a part time job so he has the opportunity to meet others outside school and learn a new skill too?

Underminer · 19/06/2023 01:15

I also have a lonely 17yo. No answer, except it doesn’t last forever. Their situation will change. We do a lot of things together to keep him busy and his mind off not having any pals. We him to sports clubs and he plays online gaming with some of the lads he meets there, but he is still lonely.

Delectable · 19/06/2023 01:26

More team sports, game nights, volunteering etc.

JogOn123 · 19/06/2023 02:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DaftyLass · 19/06/2023 03:40

Basically the only thing I could do was to make sure they always felt welcome to invite someone over, or to go out if invited
Helped to find clubs, groups and meet ups in the community.

atthebottomofthehill · 19/06/2023 03:50

Is he neurodivergent? I ask because secondary is when the struggles often start. If so, an assessment and linking up with other neurodivergent young people could be a helpful Avenue for him

lljkk · 19/06/2023 08:24

volunteering

Original poster
Littlkit · 20/06/2023 00:49

He's starting college in September, he tried last year but felt so awkward and lonely he gave up.
So he's in limbo at the moment, not much opportunity to make friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlkit · 20/06/2023 00:51

I'm not sure if he's neuro divergent, I do sometimes wonder.
I have wondered about getting private assessment but not sure who you would reach out to for that.

OP posts:
ColourMeBlue · 20/06/2023 01:02

My son is 16(soon to be 17)and is pretty much lonely.he has friends he games with online but rarely goes out.he was diagnosed with ADHD years ago,but the school lost the paperwork and no one else is able to confirm this(believe me,I've tried).he is is due to start collage September and I hope so much its the change he needs.its heart breaking to see him always in.hes always so happy and willing to do stuff,but seems no one will give him the chance.No advice really except to say I completely understand.its tough x

caringcarer · 20/06/2023 01:04

He could try a team sport. Sometimes teams are short of a player and will take anyone to make up the team. I have a 17 year old who used to be like this at 12. He joined a swimming club, and started karate. He used to have to practice with a boy at karate and he got friendly with him over time. He didn't meet up with him outside of karate but they would text each other funny memes. He got put in the swimming squad a year later and they did competitive swimming. He made a few people he became a bit friendly with but not really call friends. Then Covid happened and no swimming. He didn't go back to swimming but took up Crav Magar. He made a few loose friends doing that. He hasn't got a close friend but he now at least has people he is friendly with. Last year he went to college. It really was the making of him. He managed to make friends after about a week. He has his lunch with 2 boys and a girl everyday. They text each other a lot and they have met up for bowling a few times and a couple of cinema trips too. I have fetched one boy who lives further away but I didn't mind that. He calls this group his friends. He's also reconnected with a swimmer and they've been for a McDonalds a couple of times. I just keep telling him it's better to have a few closer friends than lots of not real friends. I think he is better now at making friends and he's become more confident too. I know he helps the girl who struggles on the course a bit. I'm sure once back at college your son can start afresh.

waltzingparrot · 20/06/2023 01:21

Have you got a local youth theatre group and would he join? A couple of friends children are involved and they have a whale of a time. You don't have to perform, can get involved in backstage stuff.

Icouldbehappy · 20/06/2023 01:27

I’m really sorry to hear this; it breaks my heart a little tbh.
My DH only now “tolerates” DS16 having friends round. It has been a source of real annoyance to me. And arguments.
i have said, several times, that we should just be grateful that he has friends in the first place!
Not to mention that I’d rather they were here and then I know they are safe.

I really hope that your boy makes some good friends soon.

waterrat · 20/06/2023 07:24

Hi Op. re neurodivergence - I would really recommend following that thought up if you have it - you can read a lot/ find local support groups - if you can afford it - a private autism diagnosis is about 2000 and it would be fairly simple to follow that process (obviously you would want to do your own research first of what they will look for) - but if you go via NHS it's 2/ 3 years.

You could start with the SENCO at school. I have close family who got diagnosis as adults and I know how much they wish they had known earlier.

My daughter struggles socially but it helps knowing exactly where her difficulties come from.

It will be easier while he is still in school as you will have their input.

re. the lonliness - could he get a job somewhere like Mcdonalds? I've heard they are a good employer.

sashagabadon · 20/06/2023 07:26

St John’s ambulance?

Charliesunnysky10 · 20/06/2023 12:58

You're such a good parent, looking out for him. I agree with other suggestions and if you can do loads family stuff along the lines of things he enjoys, I always think it helps x

Replyingnow · 21/06/2023 21:38

atthebottomofthehill · 19/06/2023 03:50

Is he neurodivergent? I ask because secondary is when the struggles often start. If so, an assessment and linking up with other neurodivergent young people could be a helpful Avenue for him

I agree. My son was very confident and happy until secondary. Lockdown in yr8 was his undoing. He lost all his confidence. The reality is he’s lost him coping and masking mechanisms. After a long journey he was diagnosed. He’s had weekly counselling for a year and just finished his GCSEs. He would have struggled to complete these without counselling. He’s now started to socialise. His psychologist is fabulous. Finding the right fit is important. I wish you and your son well.

Moomoola · 22/06/2023 23:19

Hi, replying now can I ask how you found a psychologist and managed to get your son there?

Bunce1 · 22/06/2023 23:28

Part time job
Local clubs or activities-

young farmers
Duke of Edinburgh
youth club
theatre
local volunteering
refereeing for a sport if he isn’t a great player himself. You can do courses
running clib- most local
towns have them
man shed- we have a local one. They do open it out to men of all ages
mentoring- for him to be mentored. Check your local authority

basically you wnat him in a safe environment where he can slowly build up relationships with people and feel like he belongs. It takes time.

cousins? Old friends? Anyone he could rekindle a friendship with?

PaddingtonBunny · 22/06/2023 23:31

is there a scout explorer unit near you? 14-18yrs. They are usually very welcoming.

Tauranga · 22/06/2023 23:37

My son is 16.5 yrs and lonely. He does loads at school so is quite happy there but the kids organise out of school activities and he has been dropped from the group foe some reason. He finds it hard to text and blames lockdown as he could only see one or two kids. I hope our sons go on to find friends. It is heart breaking

Bluekangaroo123 · 22/06/2023 23:38

I was going to ask about potential neurodivergence too. Does he have any other traits that you’re aware of? Currently in the process of having DD diagnosed privately. She’s a lot younger than your DS but once I started finding out more about autism & particularly masking a lot more made sense. DD appears very sociable but she struggles to read other children & to negotiate with them. She finds adults much easier. It is heartbreaking them being lonely though I agree 😔.

daisydalrymple · 22/06/2023 23:38

Does his new college have pastoral care? Many do now. Might be worth contacting them for advice on his induction to college.

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