17 year old teenage daughter with ADHD unable to make friends

[dadoodoodoo]

My DD is 16 (at college) and has always struggled with friendships. She has ADHD and poor executive function. She is a kind person, but can come across as a bit overbearing and prickly and is immature and sometimes a bit silly for her age. However, she has really tried to regulate her emotions and is now much less dramatic and more easy going. She also has very high expectations of friendships. She doesn't really have any interests that can be used as a basis for friendship - I've tried to get her to think of things she might like to try but with no luck. . I think part of the problem is she doesn't really look to the right people for potential friends and tends to try and mix with the cool set, which really doesn't work. Her lack of friendships are causing her real distress, and it's also affecting her independence as she doesn't have friends to do things with. She feels now that it's too late to make any friends at college as groups have already formed. I really worry how she'll cope with life / uni etc. Does anyone have any suggestions / positive stories?

Does she have any interests outside college that could lead to friends? Or any clubs at college.
it sounds hard for her.
reassure her she will find friends. She really will.

Thanks - her only interest doesn't create options for friendships. She has a Saturday job but again that doesn't help her meet new people of her own age, and she's not prepared to look for another one. It is really hard for her, and she's so unhappy. She's beginning to withdraw a bit as attempts to make friends haven't been positive recently and she's worried about rejection. I do try to reassure her but she says I've been saying that for years (which, to be honest, I have).

Everyone will be in search of new friends once at Uni, so reassure her on that. Secondly, Uni usually has more sports and social groups so encourage her to go to the freshers fairs and sign up for at least two- one society and one sport.

Thirdly, she can notice if anyone has more than one course with her and if they seem friendly approach with suggestion of being study partners.

her only interest doesn't create options for friendships
Why not? I can’t think of an interest that is only interesting to one person. Even friendships formed online can blossom into real life friendships. My DC have friends opposite ends of the country & in London that they met online and now they travel back and forth and visit each other by train.

My best friends in the world are the ones I met in college when I was 21. They are my absolute people! It is never too late!!!

When you say she’s overbearing/has high expectations, how do these present? Is it possible she’s struggling to make friends because she isn’t aware of the normal sort of movement, where originally you’re sort of acquaintances, then you end up closer, then friends? Does she expect to be super close right away?

I would reassure her that uni is a fresh start. There’s societies for everything from K-Pop to Russian literature to Doctor Who to every sport imaginable. It’s almost impossible not to find something that fits you - then it’s quite easy to make friends because you already know what to chat about at anime society. You chat about anime, then perhaps suggest meeting to go and see a new anime film, then become friends. It’s much easier than trying to chat at college/high school.

Thanks - when I say she feels it's too late to make friends at college I mean her 6th form - she only has another year. She does a sport that has no local team options (she was in a team but it closed down - sorry to be vague but it's a bit niche), and to be honest she is not so interested in it that she would want to talk about it and form friendships around discussing it. She's not very sporty and has no particular other interests.

She needs to focus on getting to know the college students who seem alone or on the outside of friendship groups.

she could join some college clubs or do some voluntary work.

she could talk to student services about how she feels. They may have ideas.

she could get some counselling to help work through this

Does she like music? Technology?

@Kanaloa yes partly this, but also I don't think she gets that you might start by being a "peripheral" friend and then grow closer and actually integrate within a group. I think this has made me realise that to be honest she's really not interested in anything much - no favourite TV programmes, doesn't read, doesn't love any of her subjects at college, nothing has really ignited any passion in her. She's interested in people, tiktoks / youtube and shopping and that's about it. She's tried loads of things in the past but nothing has stuck.

@hearti - she has counselling, but this doesn't seem to have moved her forward. She says there are no other students outside friendship groups, or at least ones that she has a chance to talk to (I obviously don't know how likely that is). I think something like volunteering is a good idea - I'm trying to get her to be involved with this next year at college.

And no - she listens to music all the time but has no favourite bands or interests, and is only interested in social media for tech.

My DS2 has ADHD and at that age he struggled massively with friendship. Also struggled in first year of uni and was utterly miserable and lonely.

It was a long slow process which he didn't really believe in but i encouraged him to recognise and appreciate superficial friendships even though he wanted rather deep and intense ones. I also encouraged him a lot to appreciate the people who did seem happy to hang out with him even though he was desperate to belong to the cool crowd. And given how desperate he was, I explained you need to be or do something that genuinely connects you to the cool kids, not just be a hanger on.

So he started volunteering at a local charity, he started up a small business linked to cool kids' interests, and he said yes to absolutely every social invitation however nerdy and uninterested he was. He also looked at some CBT stuff about social anxiety and making friends and looked at some tips online which helped too.

He ended up with a lovely loyal bunch of geeky friends who he was very dismissive of at first because they were uncool and the friendship was very superficial at first. But it deepened over time. They are sweet and fun and were the first people to really care about him and show it. He matured and learned to appreciate them for themselves just as they accept him how he is. And he also ended up friends with some of the cool kids as they did genuinely share some interests and when he stopped trying so hard and just focused on the interests, they gravitated towards him.

It's perfectly possible to have ADHD and loads of friends, but I think it gets easier as you grow older.

This is good advice. Ds did all of these things - every single one and together they helped; counselling, voluntary work, joining clubs, befriending outsiders. He is transformed. He is so happy and confident now.

@NeverendingCircus thanks for this. So glad your DS found his friendship group, and it's great that he worked so hard at it. To be fair she does take up all invitations - there just aren't that many. I think volunteering may be good for her - will look into college opportunities

I know it sounds daft, but have you actually told her? I have an autistic child and sometimes I have to tell him obvious things that my other kids just sort of understood naturally. Like I had to explain that you don’t just meet someone and say ‘let’s be best friends.’ You start off by just being sort of friends then maybe you become closer.

It’s so so hard to make friends though. Especially when you feel people are already grouped up and you’re the odd one out.

Another thing I’ve had to teach my son (I’ve had to actually learn this myself too as an adult) is that sometimes your interests/shared interests don’t matter that much. I learned as an adult that people usually mainly want to talk about their own interests. So if you hear the girl you’d like to be friends with raving about the Succession finale and you’ve never actually seen an episode, it really doesn’t matter. You just need to say ‘oh do you watch Succession? I heard it’s really good but I’ve not watched it, is it worth watching?’

Then she’ll rave about the show even further to you. And you have an opening. Doesn’t really matter if you watch the programme or if you have even heard of it. A lot of the time people just want to what their own voice, and they love talking about their own interests. Then they remember you fondly because they remember a fantastic conversation where you took a great interest in them. Maybe you get invited round to theirs to rewatch Succession and have pizza. Works for everything else too of course. Their dog, their running, their favourite salad. Then they’ll naturally ask about you and so on.

Just in case she is feeling out of it as you say she hasn’t any particular interests as such. I wonder if perhaps she feels she can’t join in conversations because she isn’t ‘part of’ what others are talking about?

@Kanaloa yes I've tried to tell her, but I think she struggles with settling for something less than she wants. And to be honest I don't think she rates my advice much! I do think she tries to show an interest in others but again maybe doesn't really aim for the right people?

I also think her learning differences make her a bit "slow" in conversations sometimes as it takes her a while to process what others are saying.

My girl is 17 and the same. I think it will come but she's not there yet. She's not found her tribe yet. Message me if you want to chat about this. I'm not good with keeping up threads but can message

Some excellent posts by @Kanaloa

OP - I know you are attributing her lack of friends to ADHD, but ADHD doesn't usually come with difficulty making friends. If anything, many years of experience have demonstrated to me that kids and teens with ADHD are often quite popular and make friends easily. If she has always struggled with friendships and all the other things you say in your OP, it suggests she has a social and interaction difficulty.

@UsingChangeofName social difficulties are actually very common in people with ADHD due to emotional dysregulation, low self esteem and sometimes rejection dysphoria. They are often less socially mature than their peers as their frontal lobe development is delayed, which is an added challenge. Thanks @AuDHD4Me - will drop you a line,

Just wondering how your daughter is getting on now she is in her second year at college. I came across your post this evening while searching for advice. I have a 17 year old daughter who is struggling with friendships. She has a couple of friends in college but doesn’t see them much outside of college.

It’s much the same really. I think she has learnt a bit more about how to develop healthy friendships but the opportunities are now quite limited as friendships are quite set.