14 year old DD and Frenemy

[Moknicker]

Need some help on how to help my 14 year old DD. She has had a friend "Girl B" since primary school where the friendship has waxed and waned. They fell out at the end of elementary and my DD was excluded from the group. Some of it was my DDs fault, but the girls in the group were also to blame. She worked through it and entered middle school in a largely healthy place. Girl Bs group in elementary also imploded and she went on to make new friends. They had separate groups and Girl B and DD were not friends.

Girl B came back into my DD's group beginning of this year and here we are at the end of middle school with exactly the same dynamic. My DD had a falling out with this girl again and now she has once again pushed her out of her friendship group.

Im working with DD taking responsibility for her many mistakes, but there seems to be a dynamic where Girl B is almost sort of stalking DDs friendships and ousting her from them. Obviously, DDs friends are not great if they can't support her and I have asked her to stay away from GirlB. She says she needs to be friends with GirlB or the exclusion will be even more.

Part of the issue seems to be that DD and Girl B both are/ want to be friends with the "popular girls" and its almost become an unhealthy competition and one DD is losing.

How do I help her break this cycle. Ive tried talking to her about true friendships etc and how she has to be a good friend to get good friends but she seems to be trapped in this vicious cycle of chasing popularity etc

Im trying to get a therapist for DD but are there any good books or resources I can use to help DD.

ps Im in the US

I assume your DD is in high school. I would see the school councillor and explain what is going on. If this girl is following your DD around and repeatedly getting her ousted from friendship groups and excluding her then it is bullying. The councillor should have good advice for your DD and may get involved to put a stop to it. Is it possible for your DD to be in different home rooms and classes next semester so she hardly sees this girl? That may give her a chance to meet other friends. What activities is she doing outside school? Can she develop friendships there?

Sorry, I have just seen that your DD is finishing middle school. I would still talk to the councillor. Which high schools are they going to? Is it possible for your DD to go to a different school?

One of my DC was being bullied in elementary school. I was able to switch them from the middle school they would normally have gone to, to a magnet school across town. It made a huge difference and they did very well even though the magnet was rated as a C and the normal middle as an A.

Thank you. DD and this girl are not yet in high school. They are not in any classes together either but both seem to target the same group of popular girls.

DD plays soccer competitively and that helps. Part of my sorrow is that when the first fall out happened in elementary there were a couple of girls who were there for my DD. Shes only friends with one of them now - sadly the other two were not cool enough for her.

So shes part of the problem i think. The other issue is that now everyone is on phones so even when shes away from them the social exclusion is sort of rubbed in her face via social media. Ive asked her to delete snapchat for a start.

How self-confident is your DD? Does she feel the need to hang around these popular girls because otherwise nobody would notice her at school? Does she need their reflected popularity to feel like she has status?

How good is she at soccer? Could she try out for the high school team? I am just wondering if she has some kind of status of her own she might not be so bothered about coolness and popularity in her friends.

So on the face of it she should be confident. Shes a straight A student gorgeous and on the school team and should make the high school soccer team.

But i don't think she is confident. She's always suffered from anxiety. Her attitude flips between arrogance and neediness and i think that filters through with her friends as well. Which is also why its relatively easy for GirlB to insert herself into DDs friendships. DD needs to learn to pick the right friends and treat them well. Its not just a Girl B issue although it does seem to be the thing that brings it all to boiling point.