Troubled teens

[Notadoormat]

Hello parents of difficult/troubled teens ! I am starting this thread to get some perspective. My 16 year old has put us through hell in the last couple of years. Firstly with awful behaviour and complete failure at school including refusing to write anything on most of his GCSEs papers. Exclusions, stint at a PRU, vaping and complete refusal to do school work. No SEN but possible ADHD. Plenty of support from us and opportunities to do all kinds of things like clubs and sport. Has done many things in the past like karate, music and cadets. Completely lost interest in all of those things. Just wants to loiter and gets involved with the wrong crowd. Has a couple of more sensible friends. No family support as elderly grandparents are far and frail and mine live abroad. Still see glimpses of my lovely lad occasionally. Most of the time he is very angry and defiant, DH is now pretty sick and has other serious medical issues which are made worse by the stress. Marriage in trouble due to constant arguing. Whole family had a lot of stress due to other issues resulting in arguments. Need to hear from parents of difficult teens as feel totally overwhelmed.

It will pass. I remember this well. My son was the same- refused to go to school despite being on a reduced timetable, smoking weed, vaping, no interest in clubs or sports, didn’t respond to any kind of intervention or discipline. Everything we did made him worse. He would regularly trash his room, the anger was unbelievable.

In the end we ignored his bad behaviour as much as we could and instead put in boundaries instead of ‘rules’.

It’s so difficult and I was totally overwhelmed. The stress levels in our home were rocketing and his Dad was also suffering with health concerns.

He couldn’t cope with not being in total control and could not handle being told what to do.

He’s almost 18 now and a completely different person. Things improved dramatically when he was no longer required to attend school. He now works part time at a fast food restaurant, he wants to be a delivery driver for Amazon. He finally passed his driving theory and just needs to go in for (and pass) his practical test.

we still see glimpses of how he was, but these are few and far between. He is funny, thoughtful, and generally very reasonable!

He often regrets how he made no effort in school as now he realises how much his options are reduced with no qualifications. However saying that he is far more suited to anything practical or vocational rather than academic.

He will come out the other side, but choose your battles. Children are different and therefore need different parenting strategies and styles. If you can, I’d take a step back from it and don’t engage when he’s being vile.

It’s likely he’s acting like this due to complete frustration and inability to articulate his feelings.

Good luck x

Thank you so much Worriedabouttheholiday. It is encouraging to hear your story. Looks like your son has matured a great deal over the last couple of years. He seems much happier working rather than been made to study things he had no interest in. Has he attended college ? We are looking at options for our son now. He was set on the military while doing cadets but now lost interest as his mates are going into engineering type training and he wants to attend the same college. The problem is he has no grades for it and will have to start a very basic level course just to get some basic Maths and English grades. Very upset about him putting himself into such horrible position. We had private tutor for him but he still refused to work at school. Or even attend it just before the exams. Like your son he was put on reduced timetable. Completely hated school and deliberately refused to do work.
On top of that he seems to be attracted to trouble and got injured trying to ride some e-motorbikes with the wrong crowd. Constantly swearing at us and calls us horrible names. We are just a normal professional couple with no experience of such horrific behaviour and completely isolated as no one else seem to go through it. We reached the point when we were considering to ask children's services to get him into supported accommodation as could not cope any more with extreme behaviour and violent threats and being constantly intimidated by him. There are times I feel like we have lost him completely. Cannot even look at photos of him as so upset. He was such a great kid with a fantastic personality and a lot going for him. I hope he is still there somewhere. I am considering getting him assessed for ADHD privately as long waiting times. Not sure how to approach him about it.

Thank you again for your advice. It gives me hope. x

Aw it’s really horrible, I know how you feel, my son went to military school but only lasted two weeks!

just remember he doesn’t actually mean anything he says when he is shouting, swearing and calling you names. It is not personal (although it feels it when you are being told to F off because you are a stupid b). He loves you and his Dad very much you are his constant- your home is his safe place.

Totally understand about wanting to contact child services- I felt the same, although I never did. I think you may regret this if you do, however, I do understand how desperate you feel.

Be strong- it won’t last forever. In the mean time try and detach as much as you can. When my son was violent if I tried to intervene I would get caught in the cross fire, sometimes getting hurt myself. Obviously I’m not excusing this appalling behaviour but I honestly think he had no idea of his strength and no control over his rage. I then detached, walked away if he was trashing up his room, if he shouted at me and called me horrible names I’d just reply, ‘oh that’s a shame’ with no expression and walk away. Sometimes he would just stop in his tracks as he didn’t know how to respond to that.

mine was also attracted to trouble. Several times being brought home by the police.
When he was 16 he was caught on CCTV cutting a bike lock off someone’s bike and moving it to a different place (a few metres away), he had no intention of stealing it, he just wanted to see if he could get the lock off.

Another time he was involved in a police chase whilst he was a passenger on his friends motorbike. Eventually they were cornered, and caught. His friend (who was over 18) was arrested for carrying cannabis and he immediately said - you can’t touch me I’m 16 I’m a minor, he then ran home.

Like you, we’re just a normal professional family (I’m a teacher) and couldn’t possibly talk to anyone we knew in real life. You either get the judgemental twits who think you can’t parent or the ones who try and be supportive by stating the obvious- oh have you tried turning the WiFi off or taken his phone off him as a punishment? Duh as if you haven’t considered every form of discipline and learning consequences!

We have also spent a small fortune on private tutors, counselling etc. we went on parenting courses, had advice from school psychologists, other agencies specialising in behaviour management, he was working with young offenders for a time as well (from the bike incident). Honestly I could probably write a book.

I’m sure it’s a phase and your son will come out the other side, hopefully sooner rather than later. My DS now has a few close friends who are nice lads, no longer smokes weed or gets into trouble and is settled with a lovely girlfriend. We were encouraging him to go to college but he wants to work and earn money so we are supporting him through his driving and will help him look for a full time job. He was only joking with us yesterday what a ‘pain in the arse’ he was!

Hang in there, be strong x

Thank you so much Worriedabouttheholiday ! I am not exaggerating when I am saying you have saved my sanity over the last couple of days. It has been horrendous and I felt like running away literally 90% of the time.
It is a strange coincidence but I am a teacher too. Strange how we can deal with other peoples' children better than our own. I am not from UK so at times felt very lost as behaviour of teens here in UK seems very wild compare to E Europe I am from. My husband is from UK and is a teacher too who has just taken early retirement. He too had a very different experience as a teen and was very calm and easy going. So we both felt entirely unprepared. Years of relatively easy child to parent made us perhaps a bit smug.

Many things you have described in your message are very similar to our experience. Even the idea of the military college. Our son loved the idea and after cadets was set on it but completely changed his mind as his friends are not going there. He wants a practical trade but will have to start at extremely low level and we are so worried as all good friends will do completely different courses. He has no idea how low he has sank over the last year. Or may be he does and is lashing out at us as a result ? We too experienced a feeling of isolation because you cannot tell your friends the extent of your problems. Not being able to tell most of it even to your family. People who know still unable to see how you cannot just make them do what they are told. Constant fear of what else will go wrong.

Until 6 months ago our problems were still relatively minor and than the whole lot hit us : stint at the PRU , mental health issues, son giving up all hobbies including cadets, police bringing him back as got caught on the back of a motorbike, vaping, going missing, going to dodgy areas and plenty more. On top of it a very traumatic house move as had conflict with neighbours over shared drive so had to sell and renting at present. Looking at houses and thinking of moving areas unsettled him too, Finally deciding to stay in the area but still have doubts as felt a fresh start might be needed. Basically complete chaos in many aspects of life. The house situation was a long term conflict that made DH very ill and easily triggered. On top of that problems with my family abroad and not being able to do much about it. Sometimes life just throws everything at you.

We had visit from SS as constant argument between DS and DH resulted in threats of DS leaving home and DH constantly threatening to throw him out as a result of vile behaviour. Waiting for some sort of family counselling . DS does not want to engage. He is still adamant he will switch tracker off on the phone and will stay later than 10 pm etc. These constant arguments are literally killing DH who spends more time with our son. I ended up breaking down at work and telling my boss part of the story. DS badly injured his foot on Friday and is on crutches. Still not disclosing the whole truth how he did it. His friends have not seen it and are decent lads who say that DS sometimes does own things without them. Possible e-motorbikes again ? So I am now so ill that I have to take some time off work as just cannot cope. It feels relentless. And it feels like we are pandering to DS just to keep lines of communications open.

Your post really helped me to see how over time things can improve and even wild teens settle down eventually. Just need to hang on in there. There are times I still get glimpses of old DS but they are few and far between. Need to hold on the idea that this horrible phase does pass.

Thank you again for taking time to give me hope and encouragement x

How are things going now op? We have a family member going through similar and would appreciate any good advice you have about getting through it.

Hello shiningstar2. We are not out of the woods but hopefully in the better place. DS is at college doing military prep course and is thinking about the future career in the forces. Lots of changes since the last post including the house move. School was the worst part with a lot of arguing and unbelievable anguish. I wish we have taken a completely different approach and changed schools as fresh start was needed. Cannot change the past however.

We still have a teen who wants to be out every day and hard to keep at home. He does however come home on time and keeps location on. Sadly we still cannot seem to connect with him the way we used to. He does not want to spend time with us and our conversations are very brief. DS does a lot of physical training and we are happy with that. His smoking/vaping are still a concern and we have caught him smoking pot a few times too. I guess it is not the end of the world but a big worry nevertheless. Kids where we live do not seem to drink at all so you always wander what else they get up too.

His dangerous behaviour in regards to motorbikes has stopped. At least we have not heard anything. Hopefully he is keeping away from the people who were involved. Most of them are not from here and we have heard of a number of these e-motorbikes being confiscated recently. DS has a couple of close friends whose families we know well. And a couple of mates who we are no so sure about. Trying to invite them over so we can keep an eye on what they are up too.

Our biggest gripe is the fact that DS wants to loiter outside all the time. Every day. Many parents tell me teen boys love hanging out outside but I am not happy about this constant mooching about. DS says as he is at college every day he deserves to hang out with his mates. But standing outside takeaways and sitting on park benches makes me uneasy. If DS was not such a trouble earlier this year I think I would probably feel different.

Hope this helps. I am constantly told that they come out the other end and we have to keep going. Not easy when you are in the thick of it but I guess that is the only thing we can do. Neither me or DH are good at keeping calm and have a lot to learn.
x

Thank you for your update @Notadoormat . It's so hard isn't it. Our relative is 18. He dropped out of his A levels last Christmas. School and parents tried everything to keep him going but he was adamant even though he was getting good grades. There was only really a term to go because after Easter would be revision but he wouldn't stay.He was hanging out with different kids, staying out late, smoking weed and it is the weed which really changed him. He couldn't get up in the mornings, was earning money part time in retail and that and his mates became the priority. He is doing a part time college course now and still working but isn't getting there everyday because still out until all hours at night. Relationships at home are still fragile but much better than they were a few months ago so we are hopeful things will continue to improve a bit. We all have a lot to learn op. As a family you keep asking yourself how it could have gone so wrong. Were we too strict/too soft. You go around in circles. We are in support, not the parents , just trying to give care and support where we can to the whole family. Hang on in there op ...looks like you are seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. 💐