Breaking point

[Tiggy321]

I have posted many times about my terrible relationship with my DD17. Things are out of control and I am literally at breaking point.

Anything and everything I say is wrong. She responds in abusive language and behaviour. Last week it even got physical with her hitting me hard many times. I am so ashamed of how this has turned out. I have limited support in person (I live abroad from family in UK). She tells me almost daily she wishes o was dead and why don't I kill myself. It's horrific. She says i am such a victim when i get upset by her words. School is a disaster. She has friends. I honestly have NO idea what to do. I fear she will walk out one day and I will never see her again. I know she must be very very unhappy to behave like this but I can't get anything from her. She already sees a psychologist which she says helps but I imagine she just blames me for everything. We have had a couple of sessions together which never end well- I get upset and she calls me a victim.

I wish on a daily basis to run away and never look back. Just to get Away from what I feel is abuse. I try my absolute best with her and of course I make mistakes.

Just need some kind words to help me through yet another evening of hell. Thank you

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like an impossibly difficult situation, and it seems to me that you could do with some respite. Is there anyone who could take her for a week so that you can have a break? You haven't mentioned her father, so I'm guessing you're on your own. Maybe she could stay with a friend and family for a week? I honestly think you need some distance from her, as you are running on empty.
I do sympathise. I have teenage daughters and it is a very challenging time. Mine are not as 'high tariff' as your daughter, but still have their moments!
I have a 21 year old who is delightful, so they do grow out of it in most cases. And your daughter doesn't really mean the nasty things she says; she is lashing out at her safe and secure person. Maybe you could also try family therapy, or at least speak to someone on your own.
Good luck

Thank you for your reply. I am not a single parent but feel I may as well be for all the support I get! There is really no one who could have her and make sure she gets to school etc locally. She would probably just disappear. She's almost 18 but behaves some emotionally immature it's shocking.

If I was in that position and with no support from the father, then I think I would make plans to leave the pair of them behind and start a new life somewhere far away from your violent abusive daughter.

Did you call the police when she assaulted you? I have to say I agree with the above PP. I think you need some space for your own safety first and foremost. You say you aren’t a single parent - Is your partner/husband her father?

Husband is her father. It's not as easy as just walking away though is it? No one in my situation could do that. And risk never have a relationship with her ever again? I am away for a week in July and then she will be away for 2 weeks without me. That will be good for us both. However I am worried about after that and how to cope with the next couple of weeks. I am probably suffering from depression too- drs appt next week to talk about how I am feeling. I feel very tearful all the time and cling onto one nice word she may say to me. I am aware of trying to "buy" her affection as I can't let go - she is my daughter and I love her despite everything.

I'm feeling a bit low this evening and asked my nearly 17 year old for a hug. She didn't glance up from her phone. I have to really resist the temptation to say that she's a shit daughter sometimes I have honestly never known self-centredness like it in my life.

She is behaving in an appalling way towards you, it must be horrible and no wonder you feel as you do. Something has got to change .. I think if I were you I would write to her and tell her everything you feel.. you love her v much but this is abuse and you will not tolerate any longer . Good luck

Do you argue back and forth or does she just explode and then you cry?

I'd hit the fucking roof tbh. Have you tried that, like losing the plot and going bonkers at her? I know it's not ideal but in no way whatsoever would I be assaulted in my own home. She wouldn't dare do it again if she was mine.

I feel for you so much. My dd was never violent or abusive in the same way, but she was cruel and cold, and up until she "turned" at 17, I thought we had the perfect relationship.

It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through. She's almost 26 now, and our relationship is so much better now we live 200 miles apart 😉 We speak on the phone and message all the time, but when we are physically in the same room, it is still a bit strained. That's me though, I feel like I walk on eggshells a bit.
It's bloody awful, and your situation sounds far worse. I wish I could make it better for you

I think they mostly grow out of it, by the way. It's just so hard to deal with.

Yes, understandably you sound depressed by the situation. Do see your doctor.
Here are my tips for getting through a similar situation:

Build yourself up. You absolutely need to do this, teenage hostility is highly wearing and erodes your self-esteem. Get out, do things you like, do not feel guilty about this., You need to believe in yourself and be strong to be able to help her. Do you have friends/ work colleagues to confide in? DO NOT feel ashamed, you haven't done anything to deserve this, you are not a terrible mother and honestly you will find many people have been in the same boat and are lovely and supportive.

She is using you as a battering ram most likely because she feels bad about herself. It helps to find a balance between being kind and not taking nonsense. Ask her how her day was, tell her goodnight, buy her some little thing and say I thought you might like this. Try not to disengage from being a normal parent even though it will feel like acting and might be through gritted teeth and may not seem to get much in response. When she comes out of this she will need to be able to remember that you were always there for her.

But do disengage from the abuse - practise a few phrases to use for when she's kicking off -"That's not kind". "That's rude", "That's not true". Use these instead of saying you e.g. avoid labelling speech like "You're really hurting my feelings". Do your absolute best not to let her see you upset. Learn to walk away. Make an excuse if you have to and 'go to the shops' for some urgent thing. Sit in a car park and cry and scream for a while!

It will get better. Even if she walks out, and I hope it doesn't come to that, if you can keep strong and love her and let the worst blow over you without knocking you down, you will be able to reconnect later on. Think of her like a toddler having a tantrum - as the parent, you would deal with it and help them through it even though it's stressful and annoying and invariably at the worst time and embarassing in public!

I did once have to call the police for abusive behaviour. It was absolutely awful - I was at rock bottom at that point and it will always be a tricky thing between us -but she has never behaved like that since. So I think I did her a favour in that respect, even though she doesn't see it like that yet.

Thank you for your advise . I am will try my utmost to try not to engage negatively. You make some very good points and clearly have dealt with similar. Thank you again . It helps to know someone somewhere has lived through similar. I have started telling a couple of friends and my sister about how bad it is. I do still ashamed though as I feel it is something I have done or not done (and her and brother have voiced that very recently). I have 3 children. 2 are exceptionally difficult and 1 DS is utterly lovely and thoughtful and mostly has always been. It is hard to see they are related at all!

What @Twillow says. I came on to say the same.

Shes 17, and more than capable of looking after herself. Now you must do the same - she’s not showing respect and so you must pull away for a while. Do some things for YOU, fill your time with things that make you happy and more fulfilled and you won’t be so affected by her bad behaviour.
Difficult as it is because you love her, rise above it. she’ll grow up in time.

I was the most appalling teen to my lovely mum - truly vile. I never stopped loving her but my god she irritated me. I moved out at 18 and our relationship improved. By about 22ish we were friends again. She’s gone now and I miss her every day.

Such great responses on here - MN at its best

Also - and however much you feel like defending yourself (because all of us as parents are mostly doing the very best we can at the time under all sorts of pressures that young people without responsibility don't yet relate to) - don't engage with justifications of what you did or didn't do well enough, according to her. But DO acknowledge how she feels about it - you could say something like "I'm really sorry I made you feel that way" because obviously it is true that you would be sorry she felt bad, but also not a denial of her feelings being valid by justifying how or what happened from your perspective.

I have 3 children. 2 are exceptionally difficult and 1 DS is utterly lovely and thoughtful and mostly has always been. It is hard to see they are related at all!

Lol can relate to that!

I have a DC who is at risk of behaving like this when they older. I have already told them, and they know I mean it, that any violence towards me or other family members will result in the police attending. In your case I would absolutely be calling them. It is completely unacceptable that you are being physically attacked in your own home and a line needs to be drawn. You can't continue to be a punchbag just because you are scared of having no relationship with them at all.

What would you say to your daughter if a boyfriend was treating her as your daughter is treating you? Think about what behaviour you are actually modelling to her.

@Twillow what a brilliant post. ❤️.

Hang on in there @Tiggy321

What Twillow said!

Op I have just come on to say that although it doesn't seem like it now, you and your daughter will come through this I promise. My DD and I did not come to physical blows but honestly it was close and I was at rock bottom over her behaviour at times. So please know that you are not alone.

A couple of things:

• her brain is going through a period of extreme plasticity which ends up with it being fully formed around the age of 25 years. ATM, she is impulsive and cannot fully comprehend how much of a negative impact her behaviour is having on you.

• you are right when you say that however bad it gets, you cannot walk away. Hang in there! She needs you to be her stable, calm, anchor point while she thrashes about in choppy waters. In order to provide this for her, please get all the help you need from friends, family, a vicar, a therapist. Anyone who will listen and sympathise. And do things that build you up physically and mentally as this process of her individuating as an adult is a marathon not a sprint. In order to grow in to herself as a unique individual, unfortunately she needs to reject those closest to her and their beliefs. It's painful for her and you. But it is a normal process however alarming and draining it seems.

• do not get in to a repetitive cycle of endless negative arguments. Walk away and re-engage later when things are calm.

• provide regular healthy meals.

-at a certain point, teen DC stop needing top down parenting and need a good role model instead. She is in a way testing that you have her back and that she is safe to launch! In order to provide this stability you may have to step back a little and protect yourself emotionally by not jumping on to the emotional rollercoaster with her. Be calm. Be less available. Focus on your own goals and let her see you being purposeful and positive without being Pollyanner-ish about it.

• Give her more responsibility and let her encounter the natural consequences of her actions. Let her work out more of her own issues. It's a hard thing to do when you can see them going in the wrong direction but, within certain limits, they need to be allowed to make their own mistakes. When things get heated , calmly say you will not be spoken to like that and walk away. Out of the door if you need to.

In summary ATM op your role is to stick it out. Be there. Don't provide advice, however tempting, unless asked. Well not unless she is in physical danger. Tell her you love her often. Walk away from conflict. Tell her she can always come to you for help but otherwise step back. Be the emotional shock absorber but not to the point that you are broken yourself as that won't help her. Hold those emotional hot potatoes for her but hand them back after a while when things are calm. Just by sticking it out with her, however tortuous and hard, rest assured that you ARE helping her, even though you feel utterly helpless. Good luck.

Sorry for strange formatting below. Don't know what happened!

Btw op; I have seen this organisation recommended on other teen threads:

PEGS UK - can't link but they offer counselling and advice about child to parent abuse which is more common nowadays than you might imagine sadly.

I had the worst relationship with my mother at that age, too. You’re right, I was very angry - and after years of therapy dealt with that anger and finally made amends with my mum. Not defending myself, I was pretty horrible to her (though not physically - though, almost) - until finally…she kicked me out. At the age of 17 told me to leave. I did. It was the best thing really. I eventually moved back, but we needed separation to see the wood for trees. Fast forward…. She’s now my best friend (I’m almost 50). It is salvageable. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, take care.

That makes me feel better. I just fear I will never have a good relationship with her ever again. Another horrible day with her (and I have been at work and her at school for pretty much all of it!) It starts from the moment I wake up her (yes I know I should not be doing that but we have a problem with school attendance so if I don't wake her up, she won't go..) Abusive phone messages whilst I am at work, asking for money, not turning up to after school tutoring, not being home, not communicating any reasons , requests to stay out late etc...Utter utter disrespect for basically any adult who she perceives as challenging her behaviour. It's bell on Earth and I am grasping onto my sanity. I have no idea where she is, or with whom .... I know she will request a lift home at a really late hour (despite school tomorrow) and I am absolutely not going to get her. That may sound awful to some but I have put myself out so many times. She just expects me to jump to attention every time and I just can't do it anymore.

What is her father doing when she attacks you?

Tiggy I feel for you so much and I can truly empathise. I have a violent, school avoidant, nasty mouthed, abusive daughter and it's sheer hell.
We are under the care of a Family Support worker through social services as DD13 is very high tariff. Lots of police involvement, going missing, assault charge, trouble at school and more... BUT, we are finally getting the situation under control. Our DD is neurodivergent and has diagnoses of ADHD, autism (PDA profile) and Tourette's. She has an unbelievable need for control which extends to every part of her life.
We are implementing boundaries, have full control of her phone (screen time, apps & tracker) and we are giving tough love at the moment. We called the police on her last week for assaulting us. Not the first time and not a nice thing to do but we needed their support. She is rebelling against this but we are not giving in one bit. We love her so much and desperately want to keep her out of the care system and try to help her regulate her emotions.
If you've not done so already it might be worth looking at the Triple P Teens parenting course. Lots of it is common sense but it's a useful tool - praise literally anything you can, lay down strict house rules and boundaries, consequences for poor behaviour and disengage when you see a situation escalating. I hope your situation motives soon.

*improves, not motives!