Not What I Expected / Wanted

[Nomoreplease23]

After raising my daughter for 17 years in a loving, stable comfortable home I can't believe how she is turning out. It is hard to believe anything she says - blatant lies (I was in college - when I trace her phone she's at a friends house etc). She steals money from us, gaslights us and at the end of the day always wants something more (clothes, concert tickets) - I have become so resentful and unfortunately this is reflecting on her younger sister - not sure if it is my depression but youngest DD is missing out on things that her eldest enjoyed when she was younger - I am not motivated to do all the running around if she turns out like her elder sister (wrong I know)

I hear that they come out of the other side; I know that they have to separate from us; I have bought the parenting books but it doesn't help me. I was looking forward to her independence and some time for DH and I - all DH and I do is talk about DD latest disaster (she committed a criminal offence - she didn't care less then or when we eventually found out).

DH and I want to disengage but with no guidance she will get herself into more trouble - of course she doesn't listen anyway. Is this normal 16/17 attitude / behaviour. Seeing memory pictures of her only three years ago on my phone breaks my heart.

I am a SAHM and will be until younger DD is college age - when they 'fly the nest' is work the best to fill the void (anguish) left?

I understand your anguish. There’s a great ongoing mum of teen girls (everyone’s welcome though) support thread on here. I think the patenting seems to go on for far longer than we imagine/remember from our own youth.

My son’s only in the early teens and I’m fed up of all the ongoing input from me which is met by unpleasantness etc etc from him.

I do think kids have so much to navigate/cope with these days and it’s genuinely hard for them and for us to understand. Lockdown hasn’t helped things either nor the current cost of living problems.

Are you sure she isn’t bothered about the shoplifting? She must know it’s wrong on some level? Lots of kids brazen things out but on the inside need support and help.

You’re right to keep going with the support and guidance though but she’s still going to make mistakes and that’s part of growing up. I get how exhausting and never ending it all feels though.

Did OP mention shoplifting? Sorry OP, I feel for you. Not navigating these years yet but the way my preteen is I am dreading those days. Your dd will come back around, if she had a stable and loving upbringing, hang in there, for what it's worth. I can scarcely recognise the teenager that I was.

Get a lock on your bedroom door. And if she wants money she can get a job...

@Naughty1205
No, you’re right. My heat frazzled brain inserted that for criminality. Oops, sorry OP!

Sit her down, talk about the issues.
If she's defiant, tell her in x months she'll be 18 and she's free to move out if she really doesn't like living with your home rules ... (and pray it doesn't backfire!)
Tell her what moving out entrails = job to pay for accommodation ect. And be prepared to tell her the average room rent in your area!

We did this with DD when she was 16 (so had about an 18 month wait.)

She's just turned 19 and still living with us. But off to uni in September!

That magical place of free food, free housing and an endless cash dispenser didn't materialise!
I do sometimes ask her jokingly about the magical place as I am desperate to move there too. Even if it means sharing a kitchen/ bathroom with a bunch of hormonal teenagers! 🤣

@FifiFififizz no worries, I thought it was my own heat frazzled brain missing something!

@Fififizz didn’t want to mention the offence as may be outing DD. Yes, she’s leaving at 18 apparently - (she was going to leave for a 6th form college in another city until I explained that this is not what happens and then presented the cost of rent etc) - I can’t believe what they come out with, they seem to think they know it all from the web but they know nothing practical.

She is actually looking for a part time job, she said that when you are 21 you can earn £70k a year! She is so detached from real life - her friends are too - they are all a range of different genders. It seems like fantasy above reality fuelled by social media. They see DH working long hours in a professional job and think he is stupid for doing this, why didn’t he become a rock star and earn £ millions?

There is a lot of maturing required and lock down has not helped, younger DD is far more sensible - do the older siblings have the nonsense chip in them as they don’t have an older brother / sister who had cut a path through adolescence for the younger to learn from.