Families where oh works long hours ..how do you cope

[floaty]

This is a bit of a moan I suppose but Iam fed up of beiing treated like a doormat by my 14 year old ds and the two younger ones are at it now,following his example .

Dh works very long hours so I am on my own in the evenings most days ,ds1 is bigger and taller than me now and in many ways he is great company but if I disagree with him about anything it is always because "your just in a bad mood Mum" or "you need to chill out Mum" it's not that he is continually rude or disobediant but he just wants to do as he likes and knows that there is nothing I can do to stop him.Yesterday for example took an hour of asking coaxing adn cajoling to get him to bed he just keeps saying "yes Mum" and then not moving and looking at me as if I am slightly demented (this is at 10pm)I am fed up of it I just want someone to listen to me and respect my opinions ,he is always right about everything,there is nothing he is not an expert on.

He is though simultaneously one of the least independent children I know,the other day I was explaining how a friends daughter (same age)catches the bus into town from the next village,why would I want to do that he says,for independence I reply .Response ,complete with rolled eyes was that "independence is for girls"I am afraid my response was that would give me some independence then!

Whatever I cook is wrong ,and then as soon as I leave the kitchen he is in the cupboards scavenging,how do you stop this I would love to know how you stop them filling up on fruit and bread and not eating the meals you cook?

dh works from 7 am until 9pm on a good night but often 10 or even 1.oo am last night and I feel so alone with him he knows he has the upper hand ,I hate confrontation but increasingly we have shouting matches which doesn't help the younger ones behaviour because ds1 always wins.Its no good threatening to take something away because I have had enough tussles with him with me holding one end of guitar and him the other! and to be honest he would prefer not to go out much so is quite happy if I ban him from doing something,anyway he convinces himself that it is not his behaviour at fault but mu tiredness,moodiness or inability to cope with bringing up children (yes really!) which is the reason for the punishement

Sorry,rant over but all suggestions welcome!

Somebody out there ?

i'm alone most nights until about half nineish. my ds(14) usually just shuts himself in his room though and doesn't really annoy my ds(6) unless he's in the mood to.

how old are your others?

Pretty similar to you ds1 is 14,ds2 is 11 and ds3 is 6 .Crying just makes it worse to be honest ,apparently its just more evidence that I am useless at parenthood and shouldn't have had children or (tellingly)should have stopped aT him.

I know that sounds as if he is jealous nad looking for attention but honestly he gets more attention that the other two pout together and certainly a great deal more of mu emotions and worry

Floaty I have ds14, ds nearly 13, dd9 and ds4. Quite honestly the 4yo with his mini testosterone surges and meltdowns is the easiest of the lot atm .

Ds1 can be utterly charming to anyone outside the family, but we have the total unbiddability issue with him too.

"ds1 will you bring me your laundry please/get up tomorrow without being yelled at/whatever"

"Yes I will"

WILL HE HELL. He seems completely zoned out and low level sort of contrary and obstinate most of the time. When I'm patient I put it down to hormones, but he drives me mad. Seems to have lost the empathy gene whereby he just doesn't seem to understand at all, much less care, how irritating it is.

And now ds2 is heading the same way.

How do I cope - boarding school
Joking apart, though, he sounds a really normal teen, by which I mean that he is trying to grow up, but doesn't really want to push it iyswim. You did ask for suggestions, so, here goes: don't tell him to go to bed, tell him to lock up because YOU are going:, don't cook twice, but if he doesn't want it, don't cook for him: fill the fridge and let him learn to cook. If he can't bring his clothes to the machine, then they don't get washed. And so on. Basically, chill, chill, chill. He's just at That Stage, and it does pass. You do not lose face by chillin' - honestly, it works.

Have been reading books on teenagers recently as DS rapidly approaching 13, and showing the signs already. Apparently, teenagers have this push/pull thing going on inside which confuses them. On the one hand they still want to be a child and close to you, on the other, they want to be an independent adult and cut the ties with you. He is trying to reslove this in his subconscious, and that is why he behaves like he does.

My DS is now too heavy for me to pick up and sling into bed, so we have this argument too. I think maybe a couple of nights where he goes to bed at the time of his choosing, but followed by normal school routine might sort him out. My DS hates 0730 when he's not gone to sleep the night before. I just hang tough and refuse to show sympathy.

Mine also complained that I was producing the same meals too often, so I did 101 things with spag bol sauce for a week, and he shut up.

Just hang in there, it's NEVER their fault; they obviously know it all; and they forget that we were teenagers once and therefore have been there, done it and got the T-shirts!

SV....that is an option I am exploring, there are times I would cheerfully cough up the school fees to avoid the rows, rages and rants.

I agree with Sal. It will really throw him if you seem not bothered (doesn't matter if you are seething inside ). Re: bed time, just say "Night, I'm going up now". He will have to put up with being tired the next day.

Let him fill up with fruit and bread - don't let him see that it is bothering you.

He may be trying to be head male in the house if your dh is not around.

It really throws my dd if I have a 'don't care' attitude - she likes to stress me out and it confuses her when I don't play ball

good luck x

glad its not just me .....i have this in double

Hmmm, well I think teenage boys are less independent than girls. I speak from years as a secondary school teacher and having 2 dss and my ds. Don't forget that they mature later than girls, but I think his refusal to catch a bus is very typical of that age.

Also does he need to go to bed at 10.00pm? What time does he get up next morning. My ds (14), goes to bed about 10.45pm, and get[s up abput 8.15am. He is meant to be in bed for 10.30, but usually isn't.

He also forages for food after not eating his tea. Again I think this is fairly standard although not fair or right. I would pick your battles and
a) Tell him what's for tea, if he doesn't like it, he can make himself a sandwich, and not have to waste your food.
b) Talk about what would be a good bedtime for him. If he goes late, then he will be tired next morning, BUT he will soon learn that he needs to go to bed earlier after a few days of being tired.

I would suggest backing off him a bit. I don't have advice about how he talks to you, except saying I am not going to listen until you talk to me properly. AND, although your dh works nights, you should sit down with him and ds and discuss all of this, and report any problems back to dh, so you are both involved

HTH

I wouldn't have cajoled him to bed, I would have left him to his own devices, and be knackered the next day.

Believe me, I teach loads of teenage boys and thy all display behaviour like this to a greater or lesser extent.

Laugh off his comments, or take the mick, this works really well, they get really irritated

Sounds a lot like my DS. I'm alone most evenings. An average working day for DH is to be out at 6am and not return until 10pm. Tonight he is teaching karate until 10pm, then pub for an hour.

I leave DS to get himself to bed these days. It's his own look out if he is tired at school. I'm sick of wasting breath telling him to go to bed. Although it is annoying when he wakes me up crashing around and pinging the microwave at 1am

He is a home-bird too... not at all independent. We live in a village with no bus service to speak of and he never asks me to run him anywhere, mate's house, town, whatever.

I'm a medical secretary to a consultant psychiatrist and we often have discussions about our respective teenagers. Medical opinion is that teenagers don't have fully functioning frontal lobes in the brain... ie: they are are wired up wrong

Mine is wired up to be horizontal at all times....standing up brings a rush of blood to his head. Talk about LAZY!

Oh this thread has come alive again,I kow what you mean fizzbuzz re humour I do find thias works really well but sometimes you're just not in the mood are you?!

I could definately be more relaxed with him dh though struggles with this,if it gets to 10pm sometimes I'm more worried about dh comming in and getting in a stew about the fact that hes not in bed than I am about him being in bed.We do have a problem with tiredness though,he is tired ,school have said he is tired ,he doesn't concentrate in lessons etc,also getting him up isn't easy although i have bought him a really loud alarm clock and this is working at the moment.Please don't say leave him to do it himself because left to his own devices he would be quite happy to never go to school so will quite often try to stay in bed for too long so that i will give up (never do!!!) but we do have to get ds3 to school and i need to get to work.

I don't know teenagers!