Help with out of control 18 yo dd - at my wits end

[teennightmares]

Hello everyone, haven't posted on here for a long while but I'm really struggling with my 18 yo dd and am turning to MN'ers for your wisdom please :)

I am a single parent with 3 children. DS 20, DD18, DD12 - DD12 has a different Dad. DS (at uni) & DD18 do not speak or see each other which alone has caused awful family issues over the last few years and both of them suffer from very poor mental health because of this but won't get help.

The 18 yo DD in question has gone TOTALLY off the rails over the last year. Drugs, not coming home for days, not answering calls or texts, no job, no motivation, angry, rude - to be brutally honest she's verging on abusive to me and I am really at a loss how to help as it's absolutely impossible to have a conversation with her without her screaming at me that I am a terrible mum and it's all my fault etc. She's totally irresponsible, came home last week late at night and left the front door open with the key hanging out all night. Then shouts at me that I don''t give her responsibility for a key. She brings weed into the house and associated paraphernalia, once told me her dealer was after her for money and he knew where she lived (my house with dd12 in it).

I know she's hurting and in a mess but I am really at the end of my tether and am starting to feel that I can't have her in the house anymore but equally fear that if I kick her out I may push her further into trouble.

I don't know how to help her as she won't talk to me or anyone and refuses to get help. She's thin as a rake and I am worried sick.

Fell like the worst parent in the world right now.

Any advice or words of wisdom gratefully received - thank you if you have read this far x

Does she work? Does she have a routine to her day?

@RudsyFarmer not really as far as I can tell. She is supposed to be going to college but I don't know if she is going and they won't tell me as she's 18. She has trouble sleeping and has no job. She had a job about a year ago but now refuses and has no interest.

Hi, sorry I have no idea how to help just wanted to add my solidarity to you as I could have written this post about my daughter. We have actually spilled over into physical violence - again like yourself I am aware my daughter is hurting to behave as she is but she takes little responsibility to change as apparently it is my fault for being the worst parent ever. It is devastating and I am sorry you are going through it too.

Harsh, but I’d be considering changing the locks so she cannot come in

If she has no job, how is she financing herself? Who pays for her mobile, clothes, travel..?

DS (at uni) & DD18 do not speak or see each other which alone has caused awful family issues over the last few years and both of them suffer from very poor mental health because of this but won't get help.

There is obviously a huge back story here which is probably what has caused her behaviour. If you can start unpacking that, you might find your real DD in there

I am sorry you are all going through this.

I was thinking from a view point of someone who had a very turbulent teen life maybe she could do with a good therapist. I know that if I had one at this time in my life I would have been more aware of what I was feeling and holding inside. Maybe I would have been a little less crazy.

I wouldn’t talk to my mother at that age - too much resentment, but if it was someone professional and impartial then it would have helped.

Weed and teenage mental health problems really don't go together. Do you give her money?