DS15 and Husband - massive argument

[Mellymell100]

Hi all
My DS (15 yrs) and husband are really not getting on.

Background: my husband was an only child, had a difficult childhood (not much cash, single mum, bullied). As a result, he has remained in a job he doesn't like much to ensure his kids (two sons) have a better life. As a result, even though he loves his kids, he is quite strict and has a totally different perspective on how a teenager should behave. Also, the stress of staying in a job he really doesn't like, but keeps doing to pay mortgage etc makes him stressed and this can translate into a short temper that can be quite explosive especially after a few drinks.

DS is smart and very sociable, and has had a much more fortunate childhood than DH. Has a great group of friends, but they perhaps have greater freedoms (and way more money) than him. He challenges the restrictions we place on him around parties and sleepovers during term time. Currently going through a 'Kevin the teenager' stage - can't get up in the morning, grumpy and annoyed that his parents don't understand him. Is argumentative and will go on and on until he gets his way (which is not as frequently as he'd like). Saying that, he is absolutely charming with anyone, not his family, and is doing well in school!

I realise this is all a stage, but we had a major (major) blow-out the other day with DS refusing to come home. Despite the claim that it was down to the restrictions we were placing on him, I believe it's more about the tense relationship betw. DH and DS. A few weeks back, my DH was exasperated that his son is so rude to him and has such attitude so lost his rag completely with everyone, especially DS; my DS was deeply upset that his DH is so angry with him (not just day to day irritation).

Typically, I try to be the peacemaker/mediator, but in this case I think I'm getting in the way. Any suggestions on how to get these two to speak and clear the air, rebalance their relationship? I know the combination of mid-life crisis and teenage years was never going to be easy, but the tension is exhausting.

DH needs to stop drinking and get anger management therapy. DH also needs to stop indirectly blaming DS for his shit job that makes him miserable and look for a job that is better for his mental health.

Your DS simply needs to grow up, but I don’t blame him for not wanting to be home. He’s being a normal teenager.

Does your DH want a relationship with his son?
His unfortunate history isn’t his son’s fault, nor should he be lashing out verbally at a 15 year old. He needs to find another way to blow off steam, or you’re facing what happened in my family.
Similar authoritarian father, short-temper, mother always supporting him and putting the blame for triggering him on me.
I left home at 18 and never looked back. Relationship is now civil, but not close.

I have two DS 21 & 20, no way would DH wasted time arguing with them at 15, totally pointless, all teens think they know the lot. As the parent you need to be the grown up and not react to nonsense, you will struggle to maintain respect otherwise.

I agree with previous posters that your DH seems to be the one at fault here. Do you think counselling would help? He would have the opportunity to talk about his childhood issues and how not to let them sour his relationship with his sons.

It's not an equal responsibility on a grown man and his 15 year old child to clear the air - it's a burden on the parent to be the bigger person, look to understand their child and also - most importantly to look inside themselves and see how their 'inner child' (sorry - v cheesy phrase) is responding.

Your husband needs to speak to someone - a therapist? And talk about why he is angry - he needs to own it, to realise he will cause lifelong harm to his relationship with his child if he doesn't get a grip.

teenagers are mega annoying and hurtful - but we have all been there and remember the selfish teen perspective.

You say your husband has an anger problem when he drinks - that sounds scary for any child to grow up with.

So, step 1 I would say is your husband looking at how he can change -

It's also interesting that you talk about it as though they are peers/ equals - clearing the air 'together' and rebuilding a relationship.

your son needs to be parented by his dad - and that involves unconditional love not a matey chat.

What sort of restrictions do you have in term time? For most teens as long as homework is done, Saturdays and Saturday nights are their own.

it's not easy at all, I feel you OP

and your DH is also struggling, I feel for him too.

You should try to find good time to speak calmly with DH, show him videos/photos of father and son when the boy was little, try to reignite in the father the love for the son. The love is there for sure but it's clouded by the temperament of both of them. Try to look for love. Believe that DS will get over the stage. It's DH who has to change to maintain that father and son bond.

Also find good time to speak to DS. Do the same thing. He will come round.

Thanks all for your views. Good to have lots of perspectives.

Why are you facilitating all of your DH’s poor thinking?

DH alone is responsible for being in a job he doesn’t like. Other jobs are available. Why are you letting any responsibility for this fall on DC?

DH alone is responsible for his temper.

DH alone is responsible for ‘a few drinks’.

And YOU are responsible for allowing these myths to affect your DCs.