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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How to start conversations at break times

14 replies

CountryStore · 11/06/2023 22:02

My ds is having some friendship problems at the moment, his group of friends have started ignoring him with no explanation.
He seems to be OK talking to people in class, but is having difficulty approaching groups at break times.
I'm probably not very socially adept, and also not a 15 Yr old boy!, so struggling to come up with things for him to say to start conversation.
Would appreciate any advice 🙂

OP posts:
Spud90 · 12/06/2023 10:14

I'd tell him to start it in class. If he's talking to people in class then ask them where they hang out/go for lunch and then ask if he can tag along. It'll be much easier/more natural that way than having to walk up to a group alone and try to start a conversation. That sounds quite daunting to me. Plus if they say no he likely won't have the awkwardness of having to walk away alone and with an audience if he's asking one or two people during class.

qaew · 12/06/2023 11:15

Have a look at what clubs run at lunchtime and suggest he goes along to any that even vaguely interest him.

CountryStore · 14/06/2023 09:08

Have suggested both of these to him, he doesn't feel able to do either of them. Am waiting for a call back from school, as I think he needs more support. It doesn't seem easy to get, though.
He's so miserable and down. Hardly speaks to me now.

OP posts:
BloominFlower · 14/06/2023 09:43

I’m sorry to hear that, that sounds difficult. I can sympathise as my son struggles with social situations too. I think school support could help certainly, it sounds like he may have a bit of a confidence issue too, is he involved in any after school activities outside of school?

Lamelie · 14/06/2023 09:45

Poor lad. Are they allowed snacks at break? Can he take in a pack of ideas or a football?

Dacadactyl · 14/06/2023 09:54

I'd get him into some extra curricular activities so that he makes friends that way...whether it be athletics, martial arts, tennis, whatever the older scouts group is called...just anything that he can see he's progressing in to build confidence. Tell the group leaders that hes struggling with confidence and social skills. He doesn't even have to chat to anyone there initially, but the confidence building aspect will help in the long run.

It might be hard to convince him of the merits of extra curricular cos he may feel "everyone else has been doing it ages/will be better than me at it etc etc". You then need to tell him "I know what I'm doing by suggesting this. You're welcome to pick any activity to try, but try it you will."

Also, check his phone to ensure there's no bullying on group chats etc. Restrict his time gaming and on social media so that he gets bored and has to interact with the family.

If the school do the Duke of Edinburgh award, try to get him onto that too.

KnickerlessParsons · 14/06/2023 10:22

Teach him the art of asking open questions.

fruitbrewhaha · 14/06/2023 10:25

Get him into some sports clubs where he can make some new friends. Cricket is on now. Rugby is good for social activities in the winter.

CountryStore · 15/06/2023 22:23

Thanks for all the replies. He definitely needs to do some extra curricular activities, unfortunately he does none at the moment 😬
I've contacted school today so they know what's going on, and they are going to help support him and have also suggested a website called Kooth for us to look at.
Yes, I'd forgotten about open questions, I'll speak to him about how he approaches people. Getting information out of him is like getting blood out pf a stone

OP posts:
User19844666884 · 15/06/2023 22:28

Probably not what you want to hear OP but when this happened to DS1 we eventually moved his school. The good thing is he has settled so much better in the new school and is much happier.

Whattodo121 · 15/06/2023 22:44

Does his school have a quiet place for studying at lunchtime/break time? We use our library and that’s where our boys gravitate to if they’ve got work to do or haven’t quite found their tribe, and friendships develop from there. Also he could see if departments run drop in revision clinics at lunchtime, then at least there’s a common purpose and he can strike up conversations with possibly a different group.

MinnieEgg · 16/06/2023 06:46

My DD's school is small but they still have activities at lunchtime in classrooms. Stuff like chess. Usually it's just a teacher who has an open door policy. There's one where BBC news is on for example. It means there are places to go where something is happening.

Basilandparsleyandmint · 18/06/2023 14:01

If he likes football - can he take one in? That is quite an ice breaker. Second the advise of clubs at lunch / break. Maybe have a quiet word with the pastoral side of school to see if they can advise \ help / monitor.

JogOn123 · 19/06/2023 02:51

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