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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Daughter (17) severe anxiety and making friends at university

8 replies

crazycatmum42069 · 11/06/2023 10:59

DD (17) is an only child but has never struggled making friends, and had a huge friend group up until year 10 who she would always do things with. She started at a new sixth form with her best friend from secondary school, ended up being a disaster as she only stuck with that friend and hasn’t made any others. She has always been shy to an extent but since covid it’s seemed to have gotten severe, super quiet and socially anxious, can’t leave the house because she feels like she’s ‘the ugliest person alive’ and that everyone is staring at her and is now worried she won’t get a job because of her anxiety making her bad at interviews. We’ve tried a therapist but it didn’t seem to help. It has gotten to the point where 2 people (including her grandmother) have asked me if she was on the autism spectrum!

She’s currently doing her A-Levels and going to start university in September and I’m just really worried that this anxiety will follow through. To make matters worse this same friend from sixth form is going to the same university as her! Sixth form were the worst 2 years of her life because she only had one friend and no social life, and I really don’t want university to be a repeat of that.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here, just wondering if maybe anyone is in the same boat and what I should do? Or will it just correct itself at University (as I know that that happened to my friends son)?

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 11/06/2023 17:32

If two people, including her DGM have mentioned ASD, is that something that you and DD have read up on? It can present very differently in women than men and social anxiety can be a huge thing for people with ASD.

Skiphopbump · 11/06/2023 17:37

Will your DD and her friend be doing the same course and living in the same halls?
I went to uni with 2 girls who had been best friends since nursery. They were in the same course and lived in the same flat. They seemed happy but they didn’t make any other friends.

highlandspooce · 11/06/2023 17:43

Does she want to go to uni?

Kazzyhoward · 11/06/2023 17:51

@crazycatmum42069

Or will it just correct itself at University

No, it won't. It can't "correct itself" because it needs your DD to be proactive. New friends won't come running to her, she has to go out and find them. The good thing is that Uni is an excellent place to make new friends, get new hobbies/interests, improve sports abilities, etc., but only if she seizes the opportunities.

For the first few days, they're all in the same boat, and that makes it a brilliant time for trying new things as everyone else is doing the same. They're meeting new people in their flats who they're going to be living with for the next year, they have the opportunity to go socialising/ (whether or not they're "into" booze) - not just in clubs/pubs, but also in University common rooms, "getting to know you" sessions, campus tours, subject/dept introduction sessions, etc. Usually during the first week (Fresher's week), there'll be a Fresher's fayre where there are usually dozens of stands/stalls showcasing the clubs, societies, sports, etc that they can sign up. In collegiate Unis, there'll be college "meeting" sessions for inter college sports, competitions, socialising, etc.

All the opportunities are there, but the student has to go out and get stuck in. Yes, there'll be people they don't get on with, activities they're not interested it, etc., but the more you do, the more you're likely to "find your tribe". They won't come looking for you! And as the days, then weeks, pass, everyone else will have formed their friendships/interest groups and it becomes harder and harder to muscle in if you weren't "in there" at the start when everyone was new.

Once formal "teaching" starts, unfortunately, those who've made friends will be grouped in lectures together and those who havn't will find themselves sat on their own, and the "friendship groups" will either not notice them or will assume (rightly or wrongly) that they're loners and not interested in getting together.

University student/parent forums are full of posts about students who are lonely, have no friends, etc., and it's heartbreaking, especially when there's so much going on at most Unis, but it really is up the student to put on their "big girls pants", step outside their comfort zone, and get on out there, especially in those first few formative days!

Bookridden · 09/12/2023 19:06

Hi OP. Going through something very similar with my DD, and I was wondering how things worked out for your DD with going to uni.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 09/12/2023 20:56

@Bookridden I'd try an @ to see if you can get the OP's attention Flowers

Bookridden · 10/12/2023 19:23

@crazycatmum42069 Hi OP. Going through something very similar with my DD, and I was wondering how things worked out for your DD with going to uni.

Pigeonqueen · 10/12/2023 19:36

Why are you so shocked at the suggestion of ASD? It presents very differently in girls and there are things in your post that suggest that to me - as a woman with autism myself who didn’t go to university for many of the issues you’re mentioned despite being very high achieving, and I also have a son with very severe autism who attends a specialist school.

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