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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Stealing situation

11 replies

Tunefultuna · 10/06/2023 20:05

A few months ago my daughter (13) suspected that one of her friends had stolen from her bedroom when she was visiting the house- some jewellery and some clothes and make up. My daughter realised the items were missing a few hours after the friend had visited. We talked it through with her and said she couldn’t accuse as she didn’t have any proof and it is a big thing to accuse someone.

Since then she has seen the friend in her hoodie and a bracelet through social media posts. We have advised her to let it go for a few reasons. We are friends with this girl’s parents. This teen that stole is obviously vulnerable herself. There is also no concrete proof as the girl wasn’t caught in the act of stealing and theoretically this girl could have bought the exact same items my daughter is missing. My daughter understandably feels sad and cross. However I can’t help wondering if we should have done more or supported our daughter in a different way.

I really would like to hear your opinions on the matter or if anyone has had a similar situation as this is all new to us.

OP posts:
matchaleaf · 11/06/2023 10:28

Hi there, sounds like a stressful situation and I'm sorry that this has happened to your family. I had a similar thing happen when I was much younger in that a 'friend' had stolen some of my toys. I still remember feeling so angry and cheated and I was glad that my mum brought it up with the girl's parents.

I think it is fairly clear that the girl has indeed stolen the items. The chances of them simply "going missing" hours after she left the house and her happening to buy the exact same items are almost zero.

I dislike confrontation and can totally understand your reasoning (i.e. being friends with parents, vulnerable child), however, respectfully, I'm not sure that encouraging your daughter to "let it go" is the right approach. I imagine she feels very hurt and powerless here and so this teaches her the wrong message, sadly one that many girls and women already hear in some many areas of life i.e. that we needs to keep quiet and let people take advantage of us in order to "keep the peace". Teaching her how to stand up for herself in an assertive manner will be a valuable lesson that will benefit her across her whole lifetime. Hopefully it will also be a lesson for the girl that has stolen these items that she cannot expect to take things from others without a consequence.

You say that this girl is vulnerable, which I'm assuming implies possible mental health problems/neurodiversity/attachment issues. Is she known for acting impulsively/lying/difficult relationships with others? If so, I would be respectful and mindful of this and acknowledge that she may struggle with socially appropriate behaviours, but definitely not use it as a reason not to say something. She is likely to need more guidance on these issues, not less.

Seeing as you are already friends with the girl's parents, this may actually make things easier as you can gauge how they might respond to things and choose your words/approach carefully. I would meet face to face over coffee and make it clear that you don't want to fall out over this. Make it clear to them that you would not go and accuse their daughter lightly, hence why you have taken several months to say something, but that you have considered all the facts and it seems likely that she has taken the items. Keep it calm and about simply establishing the facts and making sure the items end up with the rightful owner, don't delve too much into emotions or judging/evaluating anyone's behaviour, parents or child.

Ask her/them to provide an explanation of where the items came from and see what happens. If they say they bought them for her, they are either telling the truth or telling an outright lie - in either case, I would drop it. If she/they say that she bought them herself while shopping alone, ask for specifics e.g. shop, price (if you remember the correct info).

Good luck!

Hiddenmnetter · 11/06/2023 10:36

I disagree- there’s no point playing Columbo. You wont establish guilt beyond all reasonable doubt. If she wants to confront her she can just ask her friend directly: are those my things? If she says yes, then ask her to return them. If she says no, then your daughter has to choose what she wants more? The friendship or the hoodie/jewellery. Both are perfectly reasonable. I don’t think it helps her to have to doubt a reasonable assumption. The point is you can’t force this girl to give it back, so either she confronts and asks for them back (calmly, doesn’t need to be emotional or angry) and then your daughter can either make an issue if it or not. Making an issue of it won’t guarantee that she’ll get the items back, but if she believes it, then she believes her friend is a thief, and has to decide if she still wants to be friends with her.

Tunefultuna · 11/06/2023 13:21

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. It is such a sensitive subject that it is hard to know what to do for the best which is why I reached out on Mumsnet. I usually only read but don’t comment on Mumsnet!

Matchaleaf I totally understand your points about taking a stand and empowering women and that is why I still feel uneasy. Hidden thanks for also giving a differing viewpoint. I am going to have a think about what to do (if anything). I really appreciate both your responses.

OP posts:
Tunefultuna · 11/06/2023 13:21

I forgot to say Matchaleaf the girl has mental health difficulties.

OP posts:
GreenSunfish · 11/06/2023 16:05

@matchaleaf My daughter’s friend has just stolen stuff from our house recently and I didn’t really know what to do but reading your post about making sure we don’t teach our girls to “keep the peace” was so helpful. I’m encouraging my daughter to discuss it with the girl who stole stuff and ask for it back. This girl is vulnerable also so I’m encouraging my daughter to deal with it sensitively but in a direct way. Otherwise we can’t really have her in the house. So far it’s small items for the most part but if it was something sentimental we’d be upset. I was thinking about addressing it with the girls parents but I’m not sure that’s a good idea as I don’t know them well.

mylifestory · 16/07/2023 22:54

If she's posted on social media cdnt Yr daughter reply asking g if she cd have the hoodie etc back now?

JazbayGrapes · 19/07/2023 11:25

We have advised her to let it go for a few reasons. We are friends with this girl’s parents.

In this case, you should definetly speak to parents. If it was my friends and regarding my child - i would like to be informed before this escalates any further.

BoohooWoohoo · 19/07/2023 11:33

Letting it go is the wrong answer imo.

As you are friends with the parents I would talk to them and see if there was a low key way that the items could be returned. I wouldn't want the makeup back for hygiene reasons but the mental health issues aren't a reason to just take what you want. By talking to the parents, there's a possibility that they can just quietly pass on your DD's items.

Mental health issues aside, many teens will be defensive if confronted and it's not ideal to put dd in that position when you could do it in a way that is more likely to result in a return of DD's things which is the ultimate goal.

BoohooWoohoo · 19/07/2023 11:35

If she's taken your DD's stuff then there's a high likelihood that she's taken other people's stuff too.

JazbayGrapes · 19/07/2023 13:21

If she's taken your DD's stuff then there's a high likelihood that she's taken other people's stuff too.

Exactly. And if brushed off - it will escalate. Theft isn't a joke. It is a crime.

stichguru · 21/12/2023 15:57

I can see why you want to "let it go" but I don't think this is actually doing the kid any favours. If she thinks it's acceptable to steal, one day she will come across someone who will not "let it go" but go the the police, give her a fine she can't afford, potentially jail time, and a criminal record. Talk to the girl's parents, and see if they will confirm whether it is her stuff or whether they think she has taken it. If they will talk to her fine, if they make excuses you think are untrue, you can then consider again what to do next.

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