DS14 Constantly late and school is concerned

[OhTheSilence]

It's always been a struggle to get DS14 (year 10) to go to school on time and to study but in the last month, since I split up with my partner, it's got a lot worse and he won't listen to me at all.

He stays up past his bed time which is set between 9:30-10pm, still on the laptop. Sometimes I used to let it go if he could still get to school on time but in the last week he's been late 4 out of 5 days. He refuses to be woken up and when I have woken him, he's ignored me and is late anyway. He comes home and just games or watches rubbish on youtube. Academically he's average or below average in some subjects and just isn't putting in the effort.

Now I'm getting calls from the school about his lateness and general attitude, he's missing homework assignments and not bringing his books in. The school has offered counselling and mentors but he is refusing. He doesn't take any potential consequences seriously.

I've tried confiscating his phone and laptop, switching off the wifi, it just results in big tantrums and him storming out the house, he gets better for a few days but as soon as he earns his laptop back the standards slip again.

I'm on my own with no support and feel so stuck, I don't know what else to do, I've offered to help him get up, to help him to study, but he just wants to stay in his room with his laptop and not bother with anything. He insists on being in control and managing himself.

On top of that I'm struggling with my own issues, my ex DP was emotionally abusive (I hid a lot from DS) and I'm trying to recover through therapy. DS has previously asked how he can help me, I've said all I want him to do is to get to school on time and study well, but he's refusing and causing me so much more stress with the constant battles.

Hoping to get some help here.

It's a tricky age is a massive understatement, how is family life more generally? Does he muck in with chores? Broadly respectful? Hold responsibility for anything? Is he worried about anything outside his control like family money troubles?

Do you have a laugh or do things together?

There are far less opportunities and levers, but I'd double check the basics and model them yourself, eating well and regularly, lots of exercise, evening walk after dinner or card game, darts rather than tv?

Wifi off after school until homework is done and off again at bedtime.

Sorry just seen about the tantrums, but it has to be non negotiable that school work and sleep are prioritised.

I’m not sure what the right thing to do is but I think the situation call s for some bold thinking and 14 is really not too young for it.
Have a sit down with him and go over family finances and prospects, duties and goals. Does he want to be able to buy something, take trips, have a certain kind of life with you? Well: he needs to be able to work with you to achieve those family goals and, eventually, independence.

Chores, homework, exams, grades, are all the expected contribution that he makes. Show him you contribution and talk about your goals for yourself and for him.

without shared goals he is just a lost and avoidant little boy who does not want to deal with mommy’s sadness or the demands of adulthood.

He is on the cusp of adulthood, though, and needs to be invited up to the big leagues.

I would remove his bedtime but insist that all tech is handed over at 10pm every single weekday. I'd make it clear its not a punishment, its the new normal

You’re saying his negative behaviours have increased since your break up. Can you try to talk to him about how he’s feeling first? Break down the walls. Then when you have him engaged discuss the bigger picture of his role in the family and his responsibilities. Starting with putting boundaries around internet usage and getting proper sleep and routine.

I've tried confiscating his phone and laptop, switching off the wifi, it just results in big tantrums and him storming out the house, he gets better for a few days but as soon as he earns his laptop back the standards slip again

Ok, so you need to keep up with restricting his internet access as soon as standards slip.

Although, maybe you can reframe it by rewarding him with extra internet IF he gets to school on time.

Do you manually switch of the internet each night? If not why don't you set it up so that it automatically limits his usage. If you can't do this then get someone in who can. You might as well have it set up properly now while he is still only 14. It will become more and more difficult to control his internet usage as he gets older.

Mine is the same age (young Y10). I really let him self regulate as much as possible.

We go to bed around 10:30-11 so does he, by choice, he went to bed before me last night.

They have had exams this week. No nagging about revision, just discussion about what's coming up and how he feels about them before and after.

He sets an alarm, but it went off for about 20 minutes this morning before it woke him. I make sure he is up and dressed before I go to work, but he locks up, and walks with friends

I used to take his phone and ipad away at night, but not any more.

He doesn't do much round the house apart from his own room and he makes his own breakfast and lunch when he is off school

You need to talk to him about your concerns.you need to decide what the non negotiable are. You need to follow through on the consequences even if he kicks off.

Thank you for all the comments. I really wish he could self regulate as I've agreed with him that's the goal. But he's not in control if he's constantly late. I think he doesn't have any respect for the school or the teachers because he complains they can't control the class, so he doesn't bother. He had an exam this week as well but he only studied for an hour for the entire subject.
He does have cleaning chores at home as well but he's been letting those slip or trying to batch them up at once at the end of the week.
He's really not a talker and discussing goals and feelings don't register with him and he checks out.
I could go back to switching off wifi and taking his devices at the end of the night but it still doesn't make him wake up in the morning. He does get weekly pocket money and I'm considering reducing it whenever he's late for school but am worried it's too punitive. I'd rather give him rewards for consistent behaviour.

What stresses me the most are the calls from the school. I feel like it draws attention to us and I honestly feel like such a bad mother when the teachers are asking me to "make him do" something and I can't. I guess I get a bit triggered about it as well because my ex said that if I don't sort him out as well as deal with my mental health, DS would be taken away from me, which I took as a threat. I feel really angry that DS doesn't understand how anxious I get about it. He just tells me to leave him alone and he'll manage himself.

You will always get people on these threads who self regulate.

Tech is kept in my room overnight.. At this point your child is not self regulating so it gets handed over at …. If he doesn’t next night it will be earlier.

He needs space to process feelings but he isn’t doing that on his phone overnight.

you need to work with ex on agreeing goals / rules too

It's been 10 years since I was teaching in a school but it might be worth you engaging with school and seeing if they have any useful avenues of support they could refer you to.

The only reason I say this is not at all because I think you are doing anything wrong but sometimes another independent perspective can be a real help and because we had more than one occasion where a parent had suffered a significantly disruptive life event and was struggling with maintaining boundaries due to very understandable exhaustion, disorientation, grief or anxiety. We were able to refer them to Family Support Workers which did seem to be a help as they are for the whole family, not just the child.
I have no idea what's available now but it might be worth opening up to school if you feel able to and asking them what they suggest.
It wasn't a perfect solution in all cases but it did seem most successful where it was a question of re-establishing and holding boundaries.
If it's not for you, no worries but I wish you all the luck either way.

This. Be seen to also switch off your own screens before 10 and put them away.

Can you facilitate him getting some counselling or similar?

We have all tech downstairs after 8pm. Both dds are great, but can't self regulate for shit - agree with above its not a punishment its so they can have good habits getting to sleep.

I'd love to be able to leave them to it, but we've got a few years of parenting left.