Is making anxious DD go into school the right thing to do?

[sol7]

DD, 13, Year 8. Has disliked school since starting secondary but seemed to settle towards the end of Year 7. However in the first term of Year 8 she started to become very anxious and tearful as well as physical symptoms such as stomach ache. She can't articulate what exactly the problem is.

I contacted the school and the pastoral team was involved minimally but weren't very helpful. She also started suffering from selective mutism (which she suffered from as a young child too but seemed to grow out of) so the SENCO became involved and put some measures in which seemed to help. I have also been paying for private counselling which has seemed to help too.

However, recently her anxiety has been building again and she has expressed several times that she doesn't want to go to school. This morning was especially bad - crying and begging not to go in. I have been making her go in, partly because I am worried that letting her stay home will create a slippery slope. She has pretty bad attendance this year anyway as she has had a lot of illness. I do worry that forcing her to go in will make her anxiety worse though 😔. She has messaged me twice already this morning begging me to pick her up. I've contacted the school to ask someone to see her but am wondering about just letting her stay home if she is still bad tomorrow.

DH and I both WOTH full time so she has so stay by herself if not in school.

Just don't know what to do for the best.

Agree with this post.

We have someone in the extended family who was like this, started school refusing about age 13, parents didn't really tackle to root cause or get him support for his anxiety and other issues, by the time GCSEs rolled around he didn't sit a single one and wasn't going to school at all. That was about 12 years ago, he has never had a job, never had a relationship, still living at home. Only time he ever goes out is to walk the family dog.

And now he's an adult he cannot be just taken to the GP as he is an adult. It's really sad and a total waste of a life.

I don’t really I get it - kids move freely around secondary school between classrooms and lunch and even local shops. Newspapers never look at the complex systemic issues or analyse the failed processes in any headline grabber.

I was very anxious about the transition from primary to secondary and actually moved schools (secondary) after a month. Lots of crying etc. I wanted to go to school but not the latter which was huge and stressed me out. Eventually after a few “episodes” it was discovered I had severe PMT and going on the pill really helped with my emotions and moods, not sure if that’s what’s be prescribed now.

For my anxiety I was prescribed anti depressants and when I couldn’t sleep sleeping tablets and then I had talking therapy where the therapist listened. In my case meds were useless and made me worse, the therapist I’d have preferred more feedback and CBT. What was interesting was when I left school and spoke to one or two school friends they’d had the exact same experience as me but didn’t dare speak up for fear of being labelled mad. This was in mid to late 1980s so am sure things have moved on. I did find it much easier when I was moved to a private convent school with smaller classes, smaller school and better teachers.

I’ve read re what is expected of kids these days at schools and agree it’s not a one size fits all expectation and no wasn’t like this in 1980s.

Agreed that if this happened to an adult you wouldn’t force them in. When I was in secondary school had returned after summer holidays, girl in PE set fire to my hair (she wasn’t bullying me but was known to be trouble) and I had enough and just walked out and said I wanted to move schools. DM spoke to head of year who was insistent I return, DM said “if this happened to an adult eg you would you stay?” No answer! I found out a few years later that not only were bullies not dealt with but one girl had a gang come to school grounds of boys and girls and attack her. School did nothing.

What sort of dysfunctional environment (school) are we raising our children in today?!
When you really really stop and think about school as a concept and all the expectations and immense pressures along with social media and other expectations on our children today it’s no wonder there is a mental health crisis amongst the young.

Exactly - if the pressure on young girls to look like Kate moss was bad in the 90s, it’s so much worse now every aspect of yourself is to be scrutinised and fixed and millions of videos on YouTube,
tiktok and insta etc will show you how to fix yourself.

Absolutely right. Between the two things- school and social media it’s a toxic world for our young people 😞

Please listen to your child and don’t force them in, your child is communicating their needs to you

My biggest regret is not stopping sending dd to school sooner than I did. Seven years later the anxiety is manageable but the school trauma she has been left with is far more difficult for her to live with. Her school only really offered anything when I stopped sending her but by then it was much too late.

@Wintry57

I don't understand this, this was the case 40 years ago in communist Eastern Europe... Everybody worked (and works) full time, no concept of SAHMs, school no less regimented..
But there was no such anxiety in teenagers and school refusal?