Is making anxious DD go into school the right thing to do?

[sol7]

DD, 13, Year 8. Has disliked school since starting secondary but seemed to settle towards the end of Year 7. However in the first term of Year 8 she started to become very anxious and tearful as well as physical symptoms such as stomach ache. She can't articulate what exactly the problem is.

I contacted the school and the pastoral team was involved minimally but weren't very helpful. She also started suffering from selective mutism (which she suffered from as a young child too but seemed to grow out of) so the SENCO became involved and put some measures in which seemed to help. I have also been paying for private counselling which has seemed to help too.

However, recently her anxiety has been building again and she has expressed several times that she doesn't want to go to school. This morning was especially bad - crying and begging not to go in. I have been making her go in, partly because I am worried that letting her stay home will create a slippery slope. She has pretty bad attendance this year anyway as she has had a lot of illness. I do worry that forcing her to go in will make her anxiety worse though 😔. She has messaged me twice already this morning begging me to pick her up. I've contacted the school to ask someone to see her but am wondering about just letting her stay home if she is still bad tomorrow.

DH and I both WOTH full time so she has so stay by herself if not in school.

Just don't know what to do for the best.

I get the impression that 'it depends' is the right answer.

When anxiety isn't too bad it is best to try to push through it and realise that you can and awful things don't happen.

But when it gets worse you are pushing a broken person into an impossible situation.

And it is difficult to tell which.

Just in the build up to covid my DD was starting to struggle and we were encouraging her in. Then covid struck, her MH fell off a cliff and 3 years later she is still recovering.

Is there any chance she is ND? It is often late diagnosed in girls and the pressure of masking and being in a busy environment and schoolwork gets too much.

yes she needs to go to school, if you start letting her stay home, she’ll start avoiding other things and it’ll be a downward spiral.
rather than counselling, I’d recommend some sessions with a psychologist or mental health occupational therapist for some anxiety management education.

Has she been seen by an educational psychologist? Could there be neurodivergence?

Sending anxious children to an unsuitable environment can cause lasting damage.

I would take her to the GP if she is too unwell to be in school. There are alternatives to school for children who are too anxious to be there, sometimes it's the best outcome to remove them from the anxiety provoking situation. We wouldn't force anxious adults to work.

Hi Op

There was a not dissimilar post on here yesterday. Not exactly the same situation but looking for similar advice. Quite a lot of advice from people who haven't had experience of this saying that you should force them in. Please don't. It's extremely damaging and can make things much worse in the long term if they are genuinely anxious.

I hope you find this useful

DD, burnt out and school attendance, WWYD? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4821960-dd-burnt-out-and-school-attendance-wwyd

Thank you everyone. I have wondered about ASD - there is a family history and my younger DD is waiting for assessment but elder DD has shown very few traits, if any, other than the anxiety. It has been a battle to get anyone to even recognise the more obvious signs in my younger DD but I will contact the SENCO and suggest it. I work in a school and know it is nearly impossible to get an educational psychologist in these days.

She saw the GP months ago and was referred to CAMHS but I don't hold my breath about being seen anytime soon. I will look into seeing a psychologist privately maybe and will check out the other thread.

I haven’t read the other thread but in my experience there is no black and white answer. Sometimes you need to let her not go in, other days she does need to go in because it will be ok and that will help relieve the anxiety. I think you need to put effort into finding the cause (could be ND, could be something else) and ultimately providing coping strategies. Forcing her in could horribly backfire. Sending good luck, because it’s not an easy path.

See my post above.
Just had DD in a right state on the phone from college due to anxiety. Her usual support adults aren't around, so we are picking her up early.

Sorry to hear others are suffering. I know it is quite common. I wish there was the option to let her go in and me pick me up if she's too anxious but school won't allow it. I think it would take the pressure off if she knows there was an "out".

School can't really stop it ...

Ime you send a skewed message letting her decide of and when she goes... Dd's Gcse's are scuppered pandering to her being able to decide... Heavily played the anxiety card to the point of 2 hospital stays without any cause or explanation. Lots of therapy hit blanks also.
Except she wanted to stay home. Been a nightmare year.... Bending the school attendance gives way to demands you behave like a mate not a dm..

What a shame the pastoral team aren't helping. I couldn't have got him back into school ever again at one point, without them. We've even had them at home in the teachers break, sitting on the stairs chatting to him.

Attendance team weren't so helpful ... but I did show him the fine letter and talk about it from that perspective ... so not make, but ensuring he saw what I was getting too.

He's happily there every day now, so it can/does get better. Hope your dd does too.

I agree "it depends" is a good answer. I have been in that situation myself, I was anxious about going to school also in year 8 but my parents would force me to go. Some days every minute was hell just waiting for it to be over and I'd go home and cry & decompress in my room, resenting them for making me go in. Other days it wasn't that bad and I'd berate myself for getting so worked up in the morning. Either result can reaffirm or break down your anxieties about school but unfortunately it's difficult to know the right response. The pastoral team at my school were threatening to fine my parents because of my lack of attendance which was added pressure to go in that did not help. I also have been diagnosed with ASD

Have a look for “Not Fine in School” on FB as it is entirely about this topic. Hint; the answer is not to keep sending a traumatised child back into a traumatic place over and over.

There’s also a great book “Can’t Not Won’t”.

From what you’ve said plus family history and my own experience as an undiagnosed Autistic teenager; she is almost certainly Autistic and nothing will get better unless she is accommodated through that lens 💐

This may help:

This ^

I was this child at school (I had undiagnosed ADHD). But I used to cry and hide under my bed and I still got forced to go. I was being really bullied which did add to it as I got physically assaulted at school and the teachers stood by and watched and did nothing.

looking back for me what would have helped is having someone to listen to me and sympathise and understand how I felt. My mum really tired her best but forcing someone when they can’t mentally cope is damaging. It still bothers me now.

could she have some work to do from home? If she’s committed to studying and can be trusted at home absolutely don’t make her go in if she can’t cope or ask her if there is anything that would help her to attend. Like any changes that can be made.

good luck 💜

I think it depends on the reason/situation. With dd if I let her have a day off she wouldn't want to go back. She's had lots of physical illness and going back after is hard.
I'd also question nd. Dd was diagnosed selective mute in year 1, since had an asd assessment and they think the mutism is an autistic trait rather than a standalone diagnosis.
We haven't got a perfect set up but what has helped is a few little changes -very set morning routine that includes distraction, getting meals first so no busy queue and no having to decide instantly about a different meal when they've run out, teachers don't ask her anything in class but encourage her to answer if she puts her hand up, toilet pass which shes never used but is reassurance for her as she worries about ibs symptoms made worse by being at school, pre warning where possible of changes or school trips etc.
Unfortunately the system isn't fit for purpose but getting to the bottom of what makes school life harder can help.

Really, really hard - similar age dd, similar issues, she does have an autism diagnosis and ‘it depends’.

its definitely true that the longer they’re in their comfort zone the harder it is to face the huge bag of worries and not feeling safe, but, ideally, they’d have a school where they felt safe.

you need one or more adults at school to work with dd on why she doesn’t feel safe there and build a positive relationship with her so she feels like she has options and someone has her back at school.

She sounds like she is autistic. If so, she’s not anxious but nd so pushing isn’t going to improve her resilience and make things better.

No, pushing doesn’t improve resilience but even for autistic children like mine, the psychologists still advocate trying to get them in and removing barriers. That said, I’d never drag my dd in, in a terror/anxiety crisis situation.

you need to think of it as removing the barriers to going rather than the debate of how to get them in. if not enough adults are supporting her, then more need to be included so that there is no day when no one she trusts is there.

My DD (16) has been working through similar issues. She really struggled after COVID, she is nt.
What has helped her is private counselling, and the attendance woman at school. DD also couldn't/wouldn't say what was causing her to feel anxious but it was horrific for her. She would shut down in to herself. After a lot of needing about we got someone in attendance/pastoral care who actually seemed to understand. The agreement is DD goes in if she can and if at any point she can't cope they ring me straight away and I collect her.
I have found it difficult to understand, only every having experience minimal anxiety myself but she was in genuine distress. It isn't laziness or teenage-itis. I did make sure that staying home wasn't too nice though, no phone/screens etc in school time.

For us, it is passing. Her attendance which was at 63% at one point it back up in the 90s. She sitting all her GCSEs and should do pretty well. At her college interview we were told that school based anxiety often just disappears when they move in to college. A totally different environment.

I would push the school to acknowledge the issue and work out what strategies they can put in place to support. I would not ever force her in to school.

Oh I meant to say, I hardly ever get called to collect her. Mostly just knowing she has that escape is enough to help her get through it.

My DD has had the same this year. It's been awful dealing with her anxiety while also managing my own worries that she is throwing her education away. She's 17 so only one year left and her attendance this year particularly since mid term in February has been shocking.

She won't engage with therapy, she won't talk to me, she's happy and coping with every other aspect of life except school. I have let her stay home on really bad days, dropped her in later, collected her early. The school eventually helped a little towards the end of school year and facilitated her in a small centre for end of year house exams and even allowed her to complete some tests at home when she had panic attacks in the exam room.

This year has been a nightmare as it's impossible to 'make' an almost adult do anything. School is over now until end of August so we get to breathe before it all starts again

You have my sympathies OP I would try and engage with some kind of mental health services for your DD.

I'd prioritise her MH but only if someone can be at home with her. I wouldn't leave an anxious, tearful teen alone all day.

We went through similar last year..Dd wanted to go to school but was overwhelmed with anxiety. She didn't want the school team involved and I was led by her as I didn't want to make it worse.

Gp was supportive and prescribed propranolol which helped . I think it helped her knowing that there was something in her pocket she could take if she was struggling. She also had some counselling from a local voluntary ( I think) organisation which helped too

At the time it all came to a head I was led by her and didn't force her to do anything .. she was 15

Things are a lot better now, she is taking GCSEs at the moment and seems to be coping . She takes 3 or 4 tablets a week.. last year she was taking 3 a day

It's so hard for everyone... very common and really difficult as a parent to know what to do

It's so hard isn't it.

My 17dd has suffered serious mh issues (ocd and general anxiety) and it's very hard to get her to school - for her it's the journey to school and overthinking whether she will be late or not, also she can't stand being in lessons which aren't productive eg revision lessons as she then has no motivation to go in.

However she is academic and studious so keeps up with the work at home.

It's worth trying to untangle exactly what it is your daughter hates about school and seeing if accommodations can be made and involving her and the school in the process.

Also try and get CBT sessions - these were very effective once she engaged with the process so that at least she has strategies to help manage her anxiety. You can get these through a charity eg young minds or pay privately or through health insurance.