So worried about DS16 and GCSEs

[ButtOutBobsMum]

DS16 is currently sitting his GCSEs. He started off well but a week in his nan died whom he adored. He has suffered on and off with anxiety over the last couple of years but this has flared it up again.

Hes had to come home from school on 3 occasions and every exam he's taken since it happened he says has gone badly. He says he can't concentrate and is panicking.

When he gets home I can talk to him and calm him down, we can talk sensibly about it and Ive helped him with anxiety management techniques like breathing exercises and sleep meditation so he's getting a good nights sleep. He also seems to now have a touch of IBS which is also causing him a lot of anxiety and he's worried he's going to have an accident if he needs to go during an exam.

I'm just at a loss as to what I can do to help him in the exam situation. Obviously I can't be there with him and it seems like when he's on his own he can't independently implement those methods that I've taught him and panic just takes over. Plus it's now becoming a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy!!

He has such high hopes of going to college and doing his A levels and I'm starting to really worry that he may not get the grades.

Does anyone have any advice or tips on what more I can do to help him?

I’m so sorry for your recent loss of a beloved mother and grandmother. She must have been quite the lady as it is deeply affecting you and your son.

Contact the school right away so they can do an extenuating circumstances submittal for all the GCSEs occurring post bereavement. This means the grading will be adjusted and if he has to miss an exam, they may be able to do a grade based on mocks and coursework.

Each exam board has roughly the same policy, with slight differences, the school will be familiar with this and will do the submittal on your sons behalf.
https://www.aqa.org.uk/exams-administration/special-requirements/special-consideration

I’m sorry for your family’s loss. He may qualify for special consideration on grounds of bereavement - speak to school about applying for this as it can add up to 5% to marks. You sound like you are doing a great job supporting him. There will be a route to carry on to whatever he wants to do next even if that involves retakes, it’s just really unfortunate timing.

My ExH left the week before DS started his GCSE's, he was having an affair and left for the OW. It was horrendous and DS was devastated. He also has anxiety.
I tried my best to help him, just as you have, but in the end I took a different approach. We talked for hours, I told him that the absolute worst thing that could happen would be he wouldn't pass the exams and that's ok, he could always resit and his mental health was way more important than grades.
This took a lot of pressure away and he ended up doing well enough to do ALevels but I absolutely would have supported him through resits if he hadn't.
I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this, just be there for him and tell him he can only do his best and you're not asking for anything else. He'll be fine, no matter what, he has his mum behind him.

How awful for him. DD is struggling massively already and I can't imagine what something like that would do to her.

No advice really, but is there any way you could speak to the college and explain the concerns? DD had major surgery in year 10 and missed half the year and when we explained to the college she is going to, they took it into account.

Definitely agree contact the school.
They may be able to arrange to put him in a smaller room and/or nearer the door if he needs to exit for the toilet.
I presume you also use the 54321 technique?

Joint policy on special considerations that all exam boards follow
https://www.jcq.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/Guide_to_spec_con_process_June22_FINAL.pdf

per screen shot bereavement during exam time means your son is eligible so long as the application is done during exam time- right away.

I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s something called Rescue Remedy that’s herbal that can sometimes help. Also just to try and get through this as best he can. Set a very low bar on expectations and deal with the consequences after. Ask for any practical help from school such as a room alone etc and push the mitigation circumstances.

Thanks everyone. Should have said in my OP that the school have already made the submission so that's something.

I've reassured him that if he doesn't get into college it's not the end of the world and that there are lots of other options. I've told him it's just a diversion and he'll still reach his end destination.

Thank you all for your condolences. It was my MIL who died but DS went to hers every day after school so he's feeling her loss very deeply. We all miss her dreadfully but your children's grief is harder to deal with than your own

On the way to school this morning I'm going to teach him a box breathing exercise. Luckily he's quite open to all of these techniques so I'm hoping it'll work.

Hadn't thought of Rescue Remedy! I'll definitely pick some up today.

Have you let the college admissions teams know for the one he wants to go to/has offers from? They can also use discretion when confirming in cases like this.

@HadalyEve no I haven't. Didn't realise they'd do that so it's a good shout. Would that be better coming from us or the school?

With his concern about the IBS symptoms. I appreciate that its not great to use medication longer term for this, but I would just give him some diarrhoea medicine on the morning of each exam as a precaution.
Its likely that worrying about this is the anxiety coming out rather than a high likelihood of him actually having an accident in the exam, but knowing that he’s taken the medication is likely to also reduce the anxiety.

I would completely take the pressure off. Tell him that he can resit exams if necessary when he feels better, juat do what he can for now. And tell school about IBS so he can get taken out to the toilet quickly if necessary.