Did anyone not give their tween a smartphone?

[MrsSchrute]

My DC is in year 6, starting secondary in Sept, and so naturally the question of smartphones has reared its ugly head!
He hasn't asked for one, but all of his peers have them, or will have them soon. I hadn't given it much thought, and was beginning to look into handsets etc, but then I read a few articles like this one:

amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/jun/02/teacher-smartphone-children-mental-health-internet

Is there anyone who didn't get their DC a smartphone for secondary school? Has that worked out?

I really don't want to get him one, but I also don't want him to be the only one without one!

Watching with interest…

I’m considering the same thing myself. Im concerned about giving my child a smart phone.

Would love to know if anyone else has managed it!

I go it for secondary school

it just seemed the right time as so much more independence with bus eyc

but if you’ll be dropping and collecting from school - then no need

although nice for him to have contact with friends over the weekend

I didn’t think I would

but when the time came, it seemed right

And if you’re confident in your parenting - very easy to manage at this age

The problem is that a lot of schools use apps for homework and organisation so not having a smartphone could become an issue.
How will your son travel to school? Where we live having your bus pass on your smartphone is the easiest way to travel and one less thing that could be lost or forgotten.
My son walks to school and listens to music on the journey. Your son might appreciate that function if he's waiting for buses etc

My dc got phones for travel across London on public transport when starting secondary. Only 1 child of 100 in DDs class didn't have a phone.

They have WhatsApp to chat to family but not tiktok or YouTube or other social networks. It is possible to have a phone for essentials but to restrict some of the junk.

DD had dumb phone in Y7. In Y8 she really wanted a smart phone for WhatsApp so we got her a limited smartphone then
DS is Y10 and still no smart phone, he doesn't want one.
I am an academic looking at social impact of tech and DH works in the tech industry. I think smart phones are a terrible idea for teens BUT our society is now largely structured around everyone having one.
DD is not allowed Snapchat (the worst social media for teens IMO, and in DHs opinion too), she's also not on Instagram which I think is somewhat more benign, but can be problematic for body image etc.

We held out for 2 terms of year 7..by then he was the only one in the year without a smart phone and missing out socially because a lot of plans are made on WhatsApp groups. So we have given him one but not happy about it! I think it's only really possible to not give a phone (without harming your child socially) if there's a cohort of parents agreeing to do the same.

I didn't and got him a brick phone for emergencies. He had never been overly invested in smartphones before. Had no social media, no real interest in it.

His father bought him one without my agreement, he ended up hopelessly addicted to the thing to the point where his personality shifted and his schoolwork suffered.

He lives in two homes and the issue presents itself more drastically with his father. Im not particularly strict, I do have some absolute boundaries when it comes to phone use though and he's only tested those a couple of times.

At 14 his father has now removed the smartphone and has bought him a brick phone. Which is causing a whole new set of problems.

Perhaps a way forward is to get a "dumb phone" for emergencies and see what he says over the next few weeks?

My only advice is: set the ground rules from the outset, no point fighting backwards.

We bought one towards the end of year 6, all his classmates had one by then.

its handy in some ways, for instance we have a tracking app so I always know where he is when he’s gone out to play or make his own way to school.

the social side (class WhatsApp groups) is a bit of a minefield to navigate though!

There are so many things you can do now to limit screen time and websites. Better than it was 10 years ago! So you won't have a problem with it. Mines getting one in yr 6 but it will be on lock down until yr 10 🤣

We recently got one for our 10yo. We hoped to hold out for longer but he was genuinely one of very few children in his year without one and it was starting to affect him socially as he was missing out on all the after school and weekend chat.

It's highly restricted, he has no social media at all and a notification comes through to my husband's phone if he tries to download any apps. He doesn't actually use it all that much, which we were pleasantly surprised about, but he's much happier now he has the option to call and text his friends.

It also gives us peace of mind as we gradually start to give him a bit more freedom, e.g. if we're out at an attraction or event we might let him go off for an hour with a friend and it's good to know he can phone us if he has any worries.

We did a lot of research btw before getting DD a smart phone & we got her a unihertz atom - these are very small smart phones which discourage addictive behaviour, basically because they are too small to spend ages looking at. This means she can be in touch with class mates, but doesn't spend ages scrolling.

Well 12 films should only be watched by over 12a but would you take issue with an 11 year old watching one?

It's fine as long as they don't access social media, there's really no need.
DD is going into Year 9, she only uses Whatsapp. Plenty of her friends are the same although they are at the nerdier end of things.

Can you recommend what's available?

Y6- We have held out. Difficult because we are almost the last ones despite a group of us agreeing we would all hold out. Everyone said as they got their kids a smartphone, that it would only be used for calls and games, but every single one has been using it for WhatsApp, and for some TikTok & Snapchat, within weeks, and these are where the trouble starts.

Ireland are a step ahead of us in terms of parents starting to come together to agree they will all hold off, otherwise your kid is always running to catch up socially which is shit.

evidence points to it being beneficial for your kid to hold off for as long as possible but it is a bloody losing battle. We are hoping to keep DC off social media until 13 but if it’s actually more detrimental to do so in terms of social inclusion, we will have to think again.

I have managed to hold off for my eldest which is in Y8 but we’re probably going to get one in the summer

You can use a really good app called Qustudio to monitor everything your child does - or google family link is similar. You can know exactly what your child is searching/ downloading/ what apps etc - you can limit time.

I totally agree it's shit that kids are getting them this young and we all managed without (well, us Gen Xers did) - but I have to be honest and say I have found my 11 year old having one useful.

He is out and about park/ town etc with friends and of course is really helpful to call him or message him -

however - I am depressed by the immediate 'staring at shit games on phone' that is widespread among kids as soon as they have them.

Answer would be to give the phone and limit shit games/ time on phone

That's a really interesting article and its good to hear this is being discussed more. I've just finished reading Stolen Focus by Johann Hari, which made me think a lot more about this. I have two teens and we caved to the eldest pleas of FOMO in year 6 however by the time we got to DC2 we realised the benefits of holding off as long as possible as did another mum friend, which helped. Even then we only allowed whatsapp and it when SM was given it was with time restrictions, which DC has even since admitted being glad of. Have you seen KIDS FOR NOW

Get a dumb phone and put WhatsApp on a desktop computer. You don’t even need a phone.

That way they can contact their friends and won’t be left out.

https://www.ecomsay.com/how-to-use-whatsapp-on-pc/

Honestly social media is addictive to adults, god knows how teens cope, well I suppose they don’t…

My year 7 has a smartphone which he got just before secondary. He keeps in contact with friends but doesn't use it loads. We of course can monitor everything and have parental controls on it. No WhatsApp, TikTok, or anything toxic.

Mine had the cheap text/phone only ones so they could contact us if needed to. Never an Internet ready one. It means you can see how carefully (or not) they look after it. It also means its less likely to be stolen.

After a couple of years, if they've taken care of it, you can upgrade to a better phone.

We gave ds smart phone after year 7. He got used to be without and now doesn't take it to school. Hardly uses it.