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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

AIBU to make my teen swap bedrooms?

23 replies

FlyAwayBaby · 31/05/2023 20:42

I am really not sure whether I’m being horrible or not so be kind please.

My 17 year old son has been kidnapped and replaced with some sort of hideous troll. I’m at my wits end with him. I have given him chance after chance but right now I feel like he does not deserve the nice room so I have told him he will be swapping with my 5yo who has a box room with no room for toys.

Teen has been awful. The usual terrible mess in the room at all times, but this has stepped up massively lately. Used condoms on the floor. Weed. Smoking weed and vapes out of the window (non smoking household so really so disrespectful). Climbing out of the window at night to go out and not be seen on the Ring doorbell. (Who knows why, if he just asked me if he could go I would let him. He shouldn’t even have to ask but if he goes out in the evening he does not get up for work which then falls back on me to wake him etc adding more stress to my day and causing so much resentment as I also work full time and have other children and should not have to be waking a 17yo multiple times until he gets out of bed! He has taken our phone contracts etc so I can’t let him lose his job and get into financial trouble too!)

I am fully aware that teens can be pigs. But the level of sneakiness and disrespect has really been bothering me. He does nothing to help in the house, does not follow the only simple rules we put in place etc. He is furious that I’ve said he now needs to swap for the box room, saying how dare I as he pays rent etc (He does, a whopping £100 for all his food, washing etc a month on a wage of £1200) as I asked him a week ago to please tidy his room and he hasn’t even attempted it.

My 5yo would desperately love a room he can play in. We are tight for storage and he really has nowhere with floor space for playing. Teen has a lovely double room that he has destroyed, holes in walls etc but only ever lies in bed watching telly so doesn’t need the space! We have given the bigger rooms to the bigger kids due to age but I feel torn on whether making him swap is justified or really unfair!

OP posts:

Colinfromaccounts · 31/05/2023 20:54

I think the room is the least of your problems. Why do you think he’s behaving like this?

Original poster

FlyAwayBaby · 31/05/2023 21:12

I honestly don’t know. No major changes, stable happy home life. I was quite unwell last year but doing well now, I did wonder if that was a cause but he swears not and won’t give me anything to talk about, says there is nothing wrong and he just wants to do what he wants to do. He swings between being his old self and being this awful stroppy monster who cares about nothing but himself. We are close, but I just can’t see any reason why he is behaving like this. He has ADHD and has been having issues with that, not wanting to take his medication all the time etc and that also delayed puberty for him, so I wonder if it’s simply teenage hormones hitting with the added problem of him now being old enough to have adult rights (ish) and money to hand etc.

He is a nice boy, he could go anywhere in life and I’m quite concerned at watching him choose to smoke weed etc. I have had so many chats trying to talk through things, telling him that if he wants adult freedom and respect he has to show us/the house some in return but it’s like a brick wall. I am just sick and tired of seeing his room in such a state and so destroyed when there is a little boy who would love to have it, I’m not so concerned over the behaviour as I think it’s likely hormones/testing boundaries/finding his way as an almost young adult and we will get through it with time.

OP posts:

Hannahsbananas · 31/05/2023 21:15

He sounds quite troubled, tbh.

Is he in education, or working full time?

Original poster

FlyAwayBaby · 31/05/2023 21:25

He started an apprenticeship following his GCSEs but hated it, he dropped out and is now working full time while deciding what he wants to do come September.

Aside from the weed I think most of his behaviour is fairly standard. Certainly it is amongst his friends. But the difference is that his friends are now slowly starting to take some responsibility and they wake themselves for work etc rather than the total responsibility avoidance mine is doing. He’s really not that bad, I think it sounds possibly worse with just the negatives written down, there are plenty of positives, he was very supportive and helpful last year while I was sick, he is a great kid. He is just also a selfish little sod who I want to learn lessons and consequences!

OP posts:

Colinfromaccounts · 31/05/2023 21:42

Could you get him to go to the doctors and also pay for some private therapy to help with his ADHD?

he sounds like he’s not really coping with anything and he’ll be 18 soon and much harder to help then

OneFrenchEgg · 31/05/2023 21:46

No advice op just some solidarity. You aren't alone with this behaviour.

parietal · 31/05/2023 21:54

swapping bedrooms is not likely to solve the underlying problems.

why not make him pay a whole lot more rent for the bedroom he has so he has less spare cash to spend on weed etc.

Paq · 31/05/2023 21:59

You need better ground rules. No. 1 would be no smoking weed. On £1200 he can find a house share or a bed sit and sort himself out there.

ButterCrackers · 31/05/2023 22:01

He should have the smaller room. Moving will at least make him pick up his things. Take photos of the smaller room and tell him that he’ll be paying for damages. The mess he’s made of his room can be cleaned up properly by himself or you’ll get a cleaning company to do the work at his expense. The damage he fixes or he pays you the cost of fixing things. He clears up and treats the place respectfully. If he does he pays you for the extra work he generates.

Aria999 · 31/05/2023 22:05

You could try telling him the rent for the large room is now £500 and the rent for the small one is £100.

Agree with pp also charge him for the repairs and cleaning of the room.

I would be thinking about asking him to leave if he can't follow reasonable house rules. I would not want to but I am not sure what other recourse you have.

Navalcaptain · 31/05/2023 23:25

I wouldn’t pursue the room swap. This will build resentment and potentially escalate problems. My 17 yr old is very similar, smoking weed out of the window, room a mess. He was sneaking out when he was about 15 but no longer does this, he uses the front door now and announces he’s off out.

is he defiant? Does he refuse to follow rules? Can you reach a compromise E.g if he must smoke he goes in the garden or if his room is a state can you motivate him by saying you can do it together? Is it possible he feels completely overwhelmed?

At least he has a job which is great. Teenage boys can be extremely difficult to parent!

lailamaria · 01/06/2023 01:11

i would leave the room swap, it's likely only going to make him act out more and possibly start taking it out on your younger son plus you can't really force him to move rooms unless you're prepared to kick him out, which it sounds like you don't want to do

JandalsAlways · 01/06/2023 03:19

I'd keep an eye on the weed smoking, at first it's harmless but it can become an addiction fairly quickly. I know adults now in this situation

Fififizz · 01/06/2023 11:08

I would park the room swap for the time being. You’re not being unreasonable but I don’t think your eldest is in a place to rationalise it. It does sound like your eldest is struggling with things. Would he be willing to talk about things with someone else? I think the weed might be having a big impact on him too and he might not realise this because in some ways it gives him some form of relief and of course peers always all seem to be fine using it too.

PinkMimosa · 02/06/2023 09:52

As soon as I read you're first post I thought ADHD.

Id post again on the SN Teens & Young Adults section for some advice on how best to get him back on track

Beamur · 02/06/2023 09:56

I was all for the room swap until you mentioned ADHD - really good idea to post in the thread above.
This will be a huge factor in his behaviour. It will need to be approached differently. Your son is struggling with more than just being a grubby teen.

Secondwindplease · 02/06/2023 10:11

It would be a cold day in hell before a child smoked weed in my house. How have you raised a son that thinks this is in any way acceptable?

Give him the small room and make that just the start of enforcing boundaries and consequences, for everyone’s sake.

PinkMimosa · 02/06/2023 12:06

Secondwindplease · 02/06/2023 10:11

It would be a cold day in hell before a child smoked weed in my house. How have you raised a son that thinks this is in any way acceptable?

Give him the small room and make that just the start of enforcing boundaries and consequences, for everyone’s sake.

This is exactly why you need to post in the SN Teens section @FlyAwayBaby.

You should get far fewer ableist responses in there

romdowa · 02/06/2023 12:15

PinkMimosa · 02/06/2023 12:06

This is exactly why you need to post in the SN Teens section @FlyAwayBaby.

You should get far fewer ableist responses in there

Show quote history

Its not abelist to ask someone not to smoke drugs in your home or wreck the place ffs. Adhd is not an excuse for being as asshole.

Secondwindplease · 02/06/2023 12:22

PinkMimosa · 02/06/2023 12:06

This is exactly why you need to post in the SN Teens section @FlyAwayBaby.

You should get far fewer ableist responses in there

Show quote history

I’ve re-read the OP several times and can’t see any mention of special needs or disabilities (unless being a hideous troll now counts?).

Even if special needs were present, this behaviour is completely unacceptable (in OP’s own words, so disrespectful).

RandomMess · 02/06/2023 12:41

ADHD is a big factor in his behaviour.

Shut the door in his room and don't moan about the mess it's not a battle worth fighting. Paying more rent to keep the larger room is fair.

Weed is a big issue but not sure what you do about that.y taxi services are linked to speaking to me pleasantly and if clothes aren't in the laundry basket they don't get washed.

I've had some hideous times with DD very similar issues but without the weed.

PinkMimosa · 02/06/2023 12:50

I’ve re-read the OP several times and can’t see any mention of special needs or disabilities (unless being a hideous troll now counts?).

The OP mentions ADHD in a more recent post.

Secondwindplease · 02/06/2023 12:54

PinkMimosa · 02/06/2023 12:50

I’ve re-read the OP several times and can’t see any mention of special needs or disabilities (unless being a hideous troll now counts?).

The OP mentions ADHD in a more recent post.

Ah, thank you, missed that.

I have ADHD myself. Would never consider any of those behaviours acceptable. The kid needs boundaries - the real world will teach them to him in a much harsher way if his family doesn’t.

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