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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Out of control teen girl

8 replies

Northstarmom · 28/05/2023 22:33

Our 15 year old daughter has been doing poorly in school and sneaking onto social media apps against our wishes and hiding it. We found out she was talking sexually with grown men so we filed a police report and took all her devices away. We bought her a simple gizmo watch for her to make limited calls and track her with gps. She lets it die all the time and never wears it. We’ve grounded her after finding out she met a man (she said he was 18) from another city in his car to make out with him and disappeared in our neighborhood for five hours. Come to find out he’s been picking her up from school and she hasn’t been taking the bus like we thought. He gave her a phone to use to contact him in secret and turns out he is 30 years old. My husband filed another police report and took her to the ER for a rape kit. I don’t know what else to do with her. She’s constantly lying to our faces. Any advice is welcome although I think the first step may be to get her back in church since we’ve gotten away from it. She says they haven’t had sex but I don’t believe her.

OP posts:
Boudicasbeard · 28/05/2023 22:41

She in the age where high risk is rewarded by the brain- for now it is somewhat like a dog chasing sheep- she’s tasted the illicit thrill of freedom and doesn’t yet have a developed brain that can properly risk assess.

As much as she’ll dislike it, you need to stay firm. Be really clear that she is being inappropriately groomed for sex by an older man. This is CSE. There are some great resources online on CSE and some excellent videos.

Be clear with her that if she doesn’t stop then he will be put on a sex offenders register and any nudes she has taken and sent can be prosecuted as distributing an image of a child.

It will burn out eventually. Right now she‘s probably in the grip of teen love and imagines they are going to live happily ever after. Ask her some hard questions about consequences (she’ll probably pretend she’s thought it through).

And then offer her something better. Does she have a hobby or dream you could push her towards? A job? A course or holiday? Just something to get her away and preoccupied.

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 28/05/2023 22:48

Are you in the US? Advice may be different as legalities differ- for example statutory rape as a crime doesn’t exist in the UK.

is she rebelling against you? The ban on social media, church etc sounds like you may be fairly strict?

mauveiscurious · 28/05/2023 22:57

Remember however teens behave they are listening to you they may not show it or seem to care as deep down they know
You are caring.

Understandably you are very upset, but start every sentence with love as this man will be telling her you don't love her.

Original poster
Northstarmom · 28/05/2023 23:09

Great advice! Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northstarmom · 28/05/2023 23:11

Yes, we are in Texas. We haven’t been real big on church I just feel like it might help her respect herself and her body more to be around other people who have moral values. We aren’t strict at all she has had a lot of freedom because I was raised in a strict home and it led to bad behavior in college and not having a sense of self. My husband is very laid back and wants to let her make mistakes but these are big ones that can lead to lifelong consequences.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northstarmom · 28/05/2023 23:12

mauveiscurious · 28/05/2023 22:57

Remember however teens behave they are listening to you they may not show it or seem to care as deep down they know
You are caring.

Understandably you are very upset, but start every sentence with love as this man will be telling her you don't love her.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 29/05/2023 00:02

Northstarmom · 28/05/2023 23:11

Yes, we are in Texas. We haven’t been real big on church I just feel like it might help her respect herself and her body more to be around other people who have moral values. We aren’t strict at all she has had a lot of freedom because I was raised in a strict home and it led to bad behavior in college and not having a sense of self. My husband is very laid back and wants to let her make mistakes but these are big ones that can lead to lifelong consequences.

I'm not sure how church like help with that. Some form of relationships education, yes. Church not so much ..

Boudicasbeard · 29/05/2023 08:56

Okay, so lots of the things I said don’t apply to you legally. But still look up some of the U.K. resources on CSE. It does sound like she’s being groomed- the secret phone is really quite a big giveaway.

She is trying to show you that she’s grown up enough to make her own choices. But she’ll also be looking for boundaries too. Teens are strange like that.

Can you find a way to talk to her that makes her feel consulted and grown up but gets her to question what he’s saying? Just keep probing what she’s been told by him. He’ll almost certainly be telling her that you’re smothering her and how adult she is and how Co trolling you are. Because it is what she wants to hear.

I would also be tempted to have him followed and find out everything about him. This is almost certainly not the first time he’s done this. If you can afford it then find out everything you can about him.

Good Luck!

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