DS almost 18 struggling to be an adult

[MairSss]

My son is almost 18 and I’m struggling with him. I suspect he has some sort of ASD but has always refused to attend any appointments or interventions.

When he was early teens he was horrendous to live with and regularly trashed his room if he couldn’t get his own way, was aggressive and violent and refused to attend school. Thankfully that’s in the past and we don’t see any of these behaviours anymore.

Here are the issues

He can’t organise himself at all. He can’t ever find anything and leaves everything to the last minute. This generally results in a huge tantrum and door slamming. I have helped him organise his bedroom and remind him where his work uniform is kept, shoes etc. He forgets to put things back and therefore can never find anything.

He happily agrees to help with chores such as emptying the dishwasher, put laundry away or take the dogs out, but rarely actually does these things as it’s always ‘I’ll do it later’ he doesn’t seem to have any sense of time or time management.

He has absolutely no sense with money despite us encouraging him to save his money. He spends his wages as soon as he gets paid then borrows money until he’s paid next, but he can’t possibly pay back what he’s borrowed because he doesn’t earn much. We have stopped lending him money but he just borrow off others - mainly his Gf.

He struggles with food preparation so I’ve helped him and encouraged him to make simple things like pasta or beans on toast. He just gets all stressed saying he can’t work out timings and therefore can’t do it.

He currently works part time at a fast food restaurant. He leaves it until 10 minutes before his shift to start looking for his work clothes despite me constantly prompting him to get ready. He’s always late despite me driving him to work, I’m surprised he still actually has a job.

He’s failed his theory test 3 times as he’s refused to study for it. I’ve told him I’m not paying for anymore until he can revise properly. He already has a car which we bought from his trust fund, he’s reasonably good at driving but can’t be bothered to take his test. I just don’t understand it as he would have so many opportunities (job wise) if he can drive. We have paid for loads of lessons but stopped a few months.

We’ve talked about his future and I suggested maybe he looks into a vocational college course. He expressed an interest. I’ve had to complete the registration form and book a slot for the open day. He said he couldn’t do that himself.

Despite my efforts and support, he doesn’t seem to be able to demonstrate any kind of responsibility or maturity.

I said you’re almost an adult you need to be able to have life skills, what will you be like when you have your own place? He looked crestfallen and said can’t I just stay here?

I’m torn between trying to support him and encourage independence and just thinking maybe he’s a bit lazy?

His dad and I are both hard workers and far from lazy so it’s not a learned behaviour.

Can anyone advise who has similar circumstances?

My suggestion was more about him accepting that it is okay to have ADHD, and get that sense of understanding that not everyone's brain works the same.
I've found it really helpful, and when I sent one to my dc, they said that there was lots on there.
I think the point is, he can just glance through in his own time and see what he recognises in himself, which is probably going to be easier for him to do himself than looking at official websites, when he is adamant he doesn't want any medical assessments.

Yes I’ll suggest this as I know he uses Tik Tok

Yes, incompetence and embarrassment feature heavily in a neurodiverse brain.
Don’t have the conversations in the heat of the moment or just after, make it separate.

You really should have had him assessed ages ago. The hes refused is a poor excuse. You convinced him to get a job. You’ve convinced him to get his shots and see a GP all his childhood. You couldn’t convince him to sit in a room and have a chat with a doctor for a couple of hours? You’ve convinced him he should take the theory test over and over despite failing.

Your suggestions and recommendations NEED to be a one track record, let’s get you assessed for ADHD. Then book the appointment. Then take him. And yes you should pay for it as it’s something you should have done a decade ago.

He is showing off the scale executive dysfunction that is most probably ADHD and it is a condition for which medication can be life changing. He will be able to focus to remember what that alarm going off is for to follow instructions to actually revise a subject and pass a test to remember to take laundry out of the washing machine to remember he has work and at what time.

Not really a poor excuse no, he had his shots as a baby / toddler. Getting a job and taking his theory are things he realises are going to benefit him so doesn’t need a great deal of convincing- more encouragement.

he point blank refuses to see any doctors regardless of bribes- how would you recommend I get a 6’ 3’’ individual to the doctors??

He’s struggled all his life from your posts. How could you not have told or convinced him of the benefits before now of an assessment back when he was 8 or 9 when it was obvious? Why have you let this go on for so long?

How can you just give up because he is now almost 18 and 6’3”? You are keen to continue to try and convince him a drivers licence and vocational school will benefit him when it’s obvious he doesn’t have the executive functioning to cope with actually succeeding in them. But you won’t try and convince him a 2hr conversation might be life changing in a positive way? Why on Earth not?

He only thinks these things will benefit because you (parents, both of you- I’m not suggesting for a minute his dad is not equally responsible) have suggested and recommended, and ultimately convinced him of this. He’s failing at work, he’s failing at life skills, at some point you need to realise that perhaps it’s not him but your methods that are not working for him.

Telling him to just try harder and on the side thinking he is lazy is so depressing to read about. Yet another kid falling through the cracks and I’m sorry but your posts read like you are not just thinking of washing your hands of him but also low key starting to blame him for where he is now in life. That’s heartbreaking quite frankly, from my perspective he’s been let down massively

I could have written this about my child. Bright but chaotic, mess everywhere, always last minute, can’t focus on revision, gets bored easily. Room is horrific, kitchen same when she has been in there. Violence and destruction of things until very recently,. Very very angry and making poor choices. And yes we have just had an ADHD diagnosis. Mine is nearly 17, just started meds but too early to say if they will make much difference . Camhs have been good.
If you can persuade him to look at a diagnosis it may help explain things for him and yourself. Mine doesn’t seem interested in looking at ways to help herself yet. Hoping she will soon as like you I cannot see her functioning on her own. I leave her room as it is and close the door. She does cook for herself but all the stuff left around the house I just pile it up and put it in her room. If she is late for her part time job she is late as I have told her to set several alarms but she sleeps through them and I am at work . I am encouraging her to actually go to bed at a reasonable time so she gets up before she loses her job- action and consequence.
It is frustrating for us and I am sure the way she is is extremely frustrating for her- will” let you know if meds help.

Letting him get on with it won’t end well. He needs support to learn to support himself.

I recognise his adhd brain in myself. I was left to it and never recovered. Failure to thrive.

He does need to accept help and drop the attitude though. No more “I can’t” and more “I need help and supervision to learn how to do this”. He probably doesn’t have the language to know or express any of this yet. Get him looking up adhd videos.

You’re talking absolute rubbish - thanks anyway

@AP5Diva

I agree with @wishmyhousetidy. The action and consequences.
Youngest son has asd and refuses to see the GP for melatonin now he is too old for camhs. He has starting texting me at stupid O clock. Same with severe tonsillitis. I told him what I thought and left him too it. When he was crawling out of bed he 'let' me take him OOH's. He didn't take all the antibiotics half are on my side at home. He text me from uni the other day...
'I have tonsillitis again. What did you do to make me better last time?'
And I have three sons. And am pretty bolshy. But threatening and shouting at him doesn't work. It doesn't mean I let them down and don't understand the severity of what's going on. I just have to plant the seed and wait for the explosion/ give in/ whatever you call it.

It's not easy. You have my sympathy. And I have friends in the same boat too. It's infuriating/ upsetting at the same time.

I agree. Totally clueless.

I’m really not talking rubbish and I think you know it. I had to try to get through to you though as it’s yet another young life blighted by parents failing to get their ND child the support and intervention needed and then saying oh well not my fault and he turns 18 soon anyway so I’ll leave him to it..

He obviously still listens to you and trusts your advice- why else would you even be here asking for what can I tell him to do?

I suppose it’s easier to tell him to watch TikTok for a couple of hours instead of convince him to get an assessment for a couple of hours though. So just know youre choosing what is easiest on you, not what is best for your DS.

So you do you and in ten years you’ll wonder why your DS is still failing to thrive because no one who knows anything about ADHD would say that all it takes is just a few TikTok videos and trying harder to overcome ADHD.

@AP5Diva that's really not what she said at ALL!

@AP5Diva
The OP has come here for good advice, not a bashing.

You’re clearly unaware that ADHD traits are often not obvious until a child is in its teens at which point it becomes abundantly clear.

Like the OP’s son, my DS is also very tall at 6ft 6 inches (and extremely strong), and refuses point blank to undergo an assessment.

Do you think I should put him in a pushchair and wheel him there? Because believe me I have tried everything.

I could have written this about my DD. Pretty certain she has ASD but can't be assessed currently. She is younger almost 17 but SO unorganised. Always late, cannot manage her time at all.

We did stop giving her lifts to work, her job is 2 bus rides away she could get one closer but can't be arsed to look. So we let her do the long journey.

She's late to college too but doing ok on the actual course. She's had warnings at work and college about her lateness which seems to have made absolutely no difference.

I am dreading her being an adult as I honestly just don't know how she'll cope. Her room is often a tip, if I didn't go in and tidy it goodness knows what it would be look. Her personal hygiene isn't great and I have to remind her to shower etc too.

She spends all her money and then constantly asking for more. I've just given her an allowance a week that covers her food for college and a bit extra for socialising, and I've told her thats it, she budgets what she's got and we won't be giving any extra.

Well he made it through his shift but he is on his final warning.

good news is we got a text from a plumber earlier, who did some work for us last month (we mentioned to him that DS would be suited to learning a trade) and he’s looking for a labourer / apprentice so he has an interview at 9 tomorrow!

wish us luck 🤞

Well he made it through his shift but is on his final warning.

good news is we got a text from a plumber who did some work for us last month (we mentioned DS would be suited to learning a trade) and he’s looking for a labourer / apprentice so he has an interview at 9 tomorrow!

wish us luck 🤞

Your reading comprehension skills appear to be exceedingly poor and you are being incredibly rude, unhelpful and ignorant.

Yes I’m afraid you are talking rubbish. When someone writes a post you get a snapshot of their life and generally posters who are interested in helping or offer want more information ask questions which I can answer.

you have made assumptions which are both inaccurate and offensive.

you have suggested we have not got a diagnosis basically because we don’t care and can’t be bothered, you have said that it’s another life ‘blighted’, how dare you!

Do you really think getting a diagnosis is a 2 hour appointment with a doctor? Not where I live it’s not.

over the years we have seen countless educational psychologists, counsellors, interventions from other agencies. We got lost in the system with Camhs.

When he was 11 we lost our youngest, his little brother to meningitis. Obviously hugely traumatic for the whole family. He completely shut down, wouldn’t talk or engage with anyone. This at the time was completely understandable regardless of any possible ADHD.

And no I won’t be here in 10 years time feeling like I’ve failed my son. I’ll hope he is thriving because he has a family who love him and care about him more than anything in the world, knowing we have done the best we can to support him. I posted here for advice because I want to ensure I’m doing the best possible job I can as his mum.

please only post again if you’re going to apologise for your nasty comments.

I hope you are more pleasant IRL, maybe you’re just someone who uses their keyboard to hide behind and be horrible to others.

@MairSss good luck for this morning :)

Hope the interview went well!

Well said @SoupDragon

@AP5Diva 's posts are just showing a real ignorance.

@MairSss , I hope his interview went well today .

I agree with previous suggestions from othered re an assessment for ADHD/ASD. I also wanted to add that your son could benefit from some occupational therapy input from an OT experienced with neurodiverse adolescents. It is less focussed on the “condition” or “diagnosis” of the person, and more on the functional abilities/difficulties, and coming up with interventions/strategies to help with these functional tasks you are talking about. It is a recognised health care professional with a growing evidence base. This may be something you would need to access privately if it was possible for you and you don’t have an official diagnosis, but definitely check your local NHS service as well. Unfortunately NHS autism services woefully under provide OT in my experience.

I’m not suggesting OT alone will be enough, as you have described some issues related to his beliefs, shame etc. These are things that would probably need a different form of therapeutic input. However, I would really encourage you to look into occupational therapy for him, and would hope that he engages.

Are you writing about my son??? He even works in a fast food chain. I give him lifts because dear if he loses his job then he will basically nothing 🥹. I also worry he has ASD or something, no organisation and tantrums. He is also very obsessive about things always has been, now his obsession is vapes and he buys loads of different flavours, different ones. Before that is was clothes. He just wastes his money.