17 Year Old Son - no social life / friends

[greencardigangirl]

Just as the title says really - he attends College but has made no friends there. He spends all his time in his room, occasionally playing games, watching tv, playing guitar but just has zero interaction with people his age. He says he is happy with his own company but I just can't see how he can be.

I am at a loss as all my friends who have sons the same age are constantly going on about their sons busy social life etc and I am just so worried. We are going to push him to get a job over the Summer - we've asked him about sports and clubs but he has no interest at all in sport so kind of knew that wouldn't be an option.

What can I do to stop all the worrying - long gone are the days when I could arrange a play date - but I wish they weren't - has anyone else any experience of a child this age who is a bit of a social recluse? And any words or advice ?

I understand and hopefully thid will give you some reassurance. Dc1 was like this (has asd) at 17, made not one friend at school or college. However aged 19 it's been a total change. What I did to help was firstly encouraged some voluntering aged 16 which led to a payed job and mixing with people (some of a similar age). Then encouraged to use wage to pay for driving lessons (which gave confidence boost as found it easy), getting a car helped get a better job when left college as we live rural. Dc didn't want to go to uni and I was glad because felt it would be wrong. The new job gave experience for a specific career and the managers must have seen potential because they offered to put on a course for a professional qualification. They are really enjoying it. Through work they've made friends and go out occasionally, plus are at work full time, dc2 keeps moaning we don't see dc1 enough!
It's been a long slog getting dc1 out into the world and theirs lots of issues that crop up however the transformation since leaving education has been phenominal. Hang on in there. I found encouraging thing that boosted confidence, encouraged independence through a job helped. Also never mentioning the lack of socialisation because that just got dc1 angry/upset.

What was he like when younger ? Did he have friends then or was he always a bit of a loner ? Does he genuinely seem happy in himself?

I wouldn’t worry and I wouldn’t make him feel bad about it. Let him do his own thing. Be supportive of him and offer him opportunities to be social in his comfort zone online, chats with you around the house and other students at college.

Does he have social anxiety? How is he around family? Is he chatty?

My DD is exactly the same. She is a massive football fan so literally watches football all day. None of her friends like football. She says she is quite happy watching TV all day. She had a good friend network at school in yr 9 then the pandemic hit and when she went back in yr10 alot of her friendship group changed. She had become quite anxious over lockdown and was scared to go out when restrictions were lifted because everyone was drinking and going to parties and she freaked out and decided staying in and watching football was a safer bet. She does have a job now 2 evenings a week and this is really good for her confidence and it gets her out. She doesn't want to go to uni and I hope that she will find her social side in a few years but it is worrying as she should be out loving life and when I hear about the social life of other teens I can't help but feel she is missing out!!

Meetups.com was life changing for me although I didn't use it at your son's age.
You arrange online where you meet/the activity and then go from there.
Some groups are age based, some are interest based and there are even groups for people with social anxiety.
People have a common ground with trying to meet new people, so you don't feel alone in that.

Don't make him feel bad for not having a social life. If he wants one he can try - work is definitely a good idea and any hobbies. But otherwise accept him as he is. If he's happy that's all that matters

My ds is the same age, he got a part time job which has made a huge difference. Its made him more confident in speaking to people, just being able to communicate in a group. Although he hasn't met up with people outside of college I'm definitely worrying less about it all. I'd encourage him to get a job and the rest will all fall into place. I was also making him more stressed by commenting on it all the time. My ds doesn't really click with people his own age maybe yours is the same?

This is my slightly younger DD and my DH really. They are both happy being at home and doing the odd family thing.

Me and DS are both more social. We are just different.

My DSis was the same, she had no friends really at 16 but got a job at MacDonalds whilst she was at college and made some friends there which gave her more of a social life.

She's still very happy with her own company though, we we all are in our family, it's just that some of us go out more. We're just different

My ds also 17th an exactly the same. Other than college won’t go out or do any jobs, or activities. Basically won’t talk. He’s been through the care system which has an affect but I really want him to open up and talk to me more. He’s so withdrawn and quiet and won’t even relate to family because he said they’re not his. I’m completely stuck now how to talk to him at all or get his attention. Birth mum has been back in his life for a while and they’ve seen eachother quite a lot, having days out etc. if she came to the door he’d be off like a shot but refuses point blank to talk or go places with us. It’s so frustrating.

Ds at 17 only had one friend, fast forward two years he has been in a relationship for a year, is away travelling in Europe & gets married in 10 weeks.

Could he be on the autistic spectrum?

Has this been an issue throughout childhood?

If he is autistic then he may well mean it when he says he doesn't want to be socializing.

@Nat6999 that's lovely. It can be so worrying when they aren't sociable and you wonder how they will end up, then a few years later you wonder what you were so worried about!

tell him to listen to radiohead

I am also worried about my DS 15, he has friend(s) at school but in our small town sees no-one. Our family went through a very difficut time when he started secondary school and then came covid, and he seems to have little confidence. Reading the posts here makes me feel hopeful, so hard when you hear all the successes of everyone elses children though!

Maybe he genuinely is happy as he is, and there's no problem.