Self harm and eating

[TeaBird123]

Just realised I put this as a reply to someone else's post, so here it is as a new one, sorry. Hello, I'm so lost and I'd love some advice please. I had a call yesterday from my D's school to say she'd been to see her HOY as she's been self harming. I thought earlier this week she was quieter than usual but put it down to a massive sleepover she'd had at the weekend with not much sleep. She hasn't been eating at school either (although she has breakfast and dinner at home and has promised me that she's not throwing up so I have to trust her on that one). Now I know all the signs over the past weeks make sense (I fell in to a wall and scraped my hand, I fell over and scraped my leg, blood on shirt and on bed linen, I need along sleeved shirt for school as the aircon in the science lab is freezing). But when we got home yesterday she showed me what she's done with a pencil sharpener and sure enough around 8-10 perfectly straight lines on her arm. I am so lost. You think this happens to other people not to you, right? I have booked her an appt with a child psychiatrist next week with whom she's had previous appts for anxiety and ocd so we have a zoom next week and an in person on 14 June, but I am just so totally lost and I'd love to get advice on things like her phone (she has changed her password so I can't read any of her messages, do I challenge her on this?). She has formed a friendship with a female 6th former who has an eating disorder, should I challenge her on this? I feel like this manifestation of symptoms has started around the same time as this friendship began. I am being very calm and my Husband and I have told her we are here for her, we are not angry, we can always talk. I've said that we need to start doing more things like starting up our horseriding again, swimming, going for walks. She was previously doing things after school with her friends but a lot of the time she now says she doesn't want to (she was dancing, going for milkshakes, having people back here after school, but that seems to have slowed right down). She says she feels broken and she feels bad on her friends as she has a barrier up and she is always too tired to do stuff with them (having said that she had the massive sleepover last weekend and they went to the park after school on Weds). I really really am utterly devastated and lost and I'd love to hear some advice. Thank you for reading xxx

So sorry to hear you are going through this. We had self harming and eating disorder too. We had to remove all sharp objects from her room first. I told her I was doing it but did it when she wasn’t there. New rule of doors open, forced time in the family living room etc. The eating disorder was actually and still is the hardest. We had a therapist (not a good one) but she had an app on her phone for counting and giving tips for distractions for self harming. Think it was an addiction app and you picked self harming on what you wanted to give up. We were apparently out on the hospital wait list for eating disorders but after 12 months actuality told therapist didn’t put paperwork in, so I had read and done what I could. She also did sooo much work on herself too. Journaling was great writing small things she was happy about. They were tiny things to start with like the dog- then worked up to she could see a future.
it’s super tough and there were days I didn’t know if she’d be alive in the morning, so much tears, stress but we have so much love. She knew we had her. Hopefully you find a good therapist to help guide her through it.

Hiya, thank you so much for your reply and taking the time to message and I'm pleased to hear that things are a little easier for you. I really hope that things continue to improve for your daughter and your family. Thank you for the tips, the open door policy, the enforced family time, the things to do to distract. How did you you challenge things like her saying she hadn't harmed that day, but her clothes told a different story? She told me yesterday she hadn't done anything but her pj's and her hoodie both had blood on them. Did you have instances like this and did you challenge your daughter or let it go and stick with what the therapist had given you to work on that week/that day/that month? I am trying so hard to stay calm but it's so hard. The lies, the deceit. She's out with her Dad atm so I went through her room and removed some obvious sharp objects and I found a razor (I've always taken her to the salon to get waxed so she's never shaved) and loads and loads and loads of empty sweets/chocolate wrappers stuffed in literally every single drawer. We've always been such an upfront family and this is just totally alien to us as we don't do secrets. And her phone, do you think I should challenge her about the changed password or let that go as well? We have a day at Thorpe Planned during half term and part of me is so upset and angry that I think "why should I take you for a nice day when you're behaving like this" but I guess this is the "no exposure to mental health issues" part of me thinking like this. Did you ever use bargaining chips to try and coax your daughter or am I literally totally thinking along the wrong lines? Any advice would be so welcome especially as our first appointment isn't until Thursday. Thank you and thank you again for your suggestions above. Thank you, have a lovely day.

It’s such a tough time. We didn’t have a lot of support so I just did things how I felt and joined a few online groups too. We did miss a few cutting episodes and I chose to ignore and search her room again. Ours was always pencil sharpener blades she was using so I’d just go in find it and remove. I think I cried everyday and I did slip up once and yell at her as her sister has anxiety and so was then not sleeping because she was worried she would die, so I made her apologise to her sister. Definitely not in the books to do…but I think that moment made her realise just what affect it had on everyone too. Yep I still find hidden foods though she’s much better now. Found salsa dip in a bathroom drawer! She has her own bathroom so it’s so easy to hide things. I left her phone to her but I know others are really strict. I guess I knew my daughter was still there and she was still loving and kind- but just so terribly lost and sad. We encouraged hanging out with friends she was struggling with people so but any chance though not sure what her friend is like. I know my daughter never spoke about her eating disorder to her friends and would hate and give the complete opposite advise she’d give herself about eating. She’s the most body positive person - for everyone else. But I do now some kids use it as motivation so depends on the kids.

Thank you so much lovely, that means such a lot that you've taken the time to reply again. Thank you, I will keep all of this in mind, join some forums, do some reading, thank you so much. Have a good bank holiday xxx

Hey @TeaBird123, I’ve been in the same situation and it’s really unbearable.

One thing I discovered was that removing sharps is not at all recommended. The young people don’t have the skills right now to use a different emotional release, and we don’t have the skills to teach them. So it seem “safe cutting” is more important than removing sharps, since if we do that and they feel the urgent need to cut, they will be forced to use more and more unsuitable items and risk serious harm.
Most important is to ensure any cuts are clean and dressed if needed. Also stick a few business cards for emergency helplines for self harm and teen mental health.

After seeing a counsellor for quite a long time the cutting outlet was unfortunately swapped for binging and purging. So healthy coping strategies still hadn’t been developed. Whilst my DS is still very ill with depression, I think both the unhealthy coping strategies have stopped (but how can we really know.

Other advice we had was after the initial
discovery hide your revulsion and act practical/neutral as our reactions have an effect on them. Also do whatever it takes to develop your bond, spend more time together if possible. If the child clams up then don’t confront them, leave it to the experts.

Remind yourself also that the cutting or disordered eating are indeed manifestations of mental health problems. If she hadn’t been exposed to these two she would have been doing something else harmful instead. I would feel very upset about the phone and the new friend. I’m full of regret for not spotting online activity sooner, but I still don’t know what the right answer is.

Hi Playfulpups1 thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I see your point about not removing all sharps, noted and I'll bear this in mind thank you. I will put a box together of dressings and antiseptic medication for her so that when she does harm again (and by the sounds of the replies I've had so far and the research I've read so far it sounds like it will be "when" and not "if"), she has the right things to do it safely.

I am upset about the new friend, we've met all her close friends but not this older 6th form girl who seems to have such a big influence on my D which concerns me.

When we've asked her what has made her sad/why she feels the need to hurt herself she just shrugs her shoulders. I am hopeful that at some stage the therapy can draw some answers from her but I'm not expecting any quick fix. Guess we are in this for the long haul.

As for her phone and checking online stuff, up until a few weeks ago I was checking her whatsapp messages and just monitoring stuff generally, it's literally so recently she has become so secretive about her phone and the big fight we had last week was about this very topic. Always checking her messages, always stuffed in her pocket or down her waistband, just not her usual behaviour as previously she'd been very "take it or leave it" about her phone and messages and her friends always used to joke that sometimes it took her hours or even a day to reply. We now have a new rule that no phones are allowed overnight and she's been good about leaving hers downstairs and it's switched off. I leave her bedroom door open at night so I'd be able to see if she was on her computer on WhatsappWeb or SnapchatWeb. She only has a desktop so it's not like she can be on a laptop under the duvet.

Everyone's advice has been so helpful I can't thank you enough.

If you have any more tips or advice for getting through this shitty shitty time, it will all be gratefully received.

Thank you so much xxx