DD14 with controlling and aggressive ex boyfriend

[DancesWithFelines]

DD14 has had a boyfriend for 8 months or so, he is still 13 but he is over 6ft tall and she is about 5ft. For a long time he seemed like a nice kid, he would come over to ours sometimes and we would get them takeaways etc. although we didn’t know him very well.

She broke up with him last week after a couple of ‘micro’ aggressions - barging her in PE and knocking her over, then being horrible to her when she got upset, and punching her in the arm when the teacher changed the seating plan and she was moved away from him. DD is also nervous around his friends as they brag about carrying blades (box cutters).

Yesterday I had a call from the school, that DD had her face grabbed by this boy and was shouted at and threatened. He also threatened another boy who he said had put his arm around DD. He had been put in isolation. The school assured me that he is remorseful. I am devastated as I witnessed and suffered DV as a teenager and I always swore it wouldn’t happen to my DD. I am quite triggered tbh but this thread isn’t about me.

DD was at her friends yesterday evening and was then followed home by two of the abusive boys friend group, she called us and DH went to meet her and had a polite word with the boys. I also sent a message to this abusive boy telling him to stay away from our DD (no aggression or foul language, just expressing my disappointment in him and that he needs to leave her alone now).

DD received a string of messages last night saying that she is in the wrong for telling on him (she didn’t tell, the assault was witnessed by many) and that he only nudged her face, with only two fingers per hand, he ‘simply moved her face to get her away from him’ and she is lying about him. He told her that she isn’t allowed to tell me about the messages. She told her she was scared of him and she can’t take his behaviour.

I have spoken to the head of year and sent the screenshots. She maintains this boy is remorseful and has had the highest punishment possible (a day of isolation today). I was told I am in the wrong for sending a message to the boy telling him to stay away from DD. I said I didn’t feel DD was safe at the school or walking back from her friends…. the head of year said that if she doesn’t feel safe she can go and stand with a teacher at lunch/break time.

I have insisted on a meeting with the HOY tomorrow - ultimately do I need to get the police involved? I want to take a strong stand but DD is worried that it will escalate the boys anger. But at the end of the day he’s a 13 year old kid! Albeit a kid who is bigger and angrier than all of us.

Also, do I need to email higher up/safeguarding lead about this as I’m not sure they are aware.

I am worried that this isn’t the end of it, and if he can grab her face then maybe it will be her throat next time. DD is fairly unhappy at the school (has had friendship probs in the past) but unfortunately all local schools are full.

Your poor dd. I would take this as high up as possible. I would probably also call the police on 101 for advice. Assault and intimidation of a young girl is unacceptable.

It’s a police matter. Take her to the local police station to make a statement for assault - ask for a non molestation order - given or send them texts - the police - move hell on earth to get her out of that school. Any all girl schools and get her off social media and off school and with you in the meanwhile.
reassure her that you have her back

if you haven’t got cctv get some

borrow a big dog if you have not got one - this smacks of running a huge risk of escalating

I think you need to involve the police, the school are minimising this. The boy may be only 13, but he is large and strong and a danger to your daughter. I would also be collecting her from school and not letting her go shopping or to social events where you cannot ensure her safety. She must not let him into your house or be with him anywhere for now.

I would also speak to the safeguarding lead at school and contact the Governors if you are not satisfied with their response.

I agree @Shadowworry there is potential for this to escalate, and the outcome could be very serious

I totally agree with everyone. This is serious. I would involve the police.

Agree with involving the police. This goes above and beyond the school’s remit.

I don't think you're overthinking this OP - I think your concerns are spot on and if the school aren't taking it seriously enough then the police, safeguarding leads and governors need to be involved. I'd be making sure she can't be anywhere near him wherever possible.

I'm so sorry this is happening to your daughter and to you - it must be so worrying, especially given your history.

Minimising this kind of male aggression and violence is how we end up with so many abusive men in our society.

Good luck OP - I hope you find the support you need

Thank you all so much, I have a horrible feeling too, that it could escalate. The head of year’s response has really rattled me. He has recently been in trouble for beating up an autistic boy at school and this also played a part in DD deciding to finish it with him.

i wanted to keep her off school but she wants to go in as she says her absence will escalate the behaviour of the dodgy friend group.

obviously I realise that messaging him wasn’t ideal but I felt like if he’s big enough to lay his hands on her then he’s big enough to deal with a mum warning him off.

Get on to his mother and be clear that one more instance of this boy or his friends having any contact with your daughter again and they can put the kettle on for the police.

That's crazy that the school aren't taking this seriously since he's recently been so violent to others too. I'm surprised he wasn't expelled. I'd be inclined to be heavy handed on the school and contact 101. Could you speak with parents first maybe?

An approach I recommend came up in another thread recently. Write to the school, requiring them to document the ways in which they are fulfilling their duty of care to your daughter. Require the answer in writing. Advise them that failure to do so will result in your consultation with the police. Go to the police anyway. Your daughter has been assaulted. I wish you all the best 💐

Now this has happened I would ring around the other schools and ask if there are places. I know of a few schools who have squeezed children in if they are not safe at their current school.

And by the way, HOY telling you that your daughter can go and stand with a staff member if she "feels unsafe" - that is absolutely outrageous. Advising an admitted victim of assault to isolate herself rather than addressing the problem directly. Words fail me.

Good idea @ittakes2 a friend of mine had to move her daughter for safeguarding issues in the middle of Year 10, it would be worth contacting some schools. It would certainly add weight if the police were involved and had taken concerns seriously.

Teachers & schools will always try to minimise these things & brush them under the carpet because they are too lazy to deal with it properly and worried about bad publicity for the school.
Your daughter has been assaulted, OP, and that is a matter for the police.

Hmm I would recommend making careful notes about what has happened and when. Advise your DD to not engage in any discussion or arguments with these boys or other friends, and to not engage on social media or respond.
Keep a close eye on the situation and contact both the HoY and the safeguarding lead to make sure they are aware of your concerns.
You clearly need to make sure the situs taken seriously but it won’t help if this is blown up into a more serious problem. I’m not sure what the police would do at the moment.

He is 13, the age of criminal responsibility, and school's response hasn't stopped him.

I would take this straight to the Head Teacher, in writing, with all details, and request an urgent interview with HT and their safeguarding lead.

At which you make it crystal clear that if theschool can't/wont prevent this behaviour you will make a formal police complaint about the boy.

I found this had an electrifying result on the school staff ( and the parents of the boys).

Do not contact his mother

That is the worst advice

Go to the police

Definitely ask the school safeguarding officer to be involved, they should be already. My DD was a few years older when we had a similar situation and the school took it very seriously.

I would also involve the police.

Good luck Op to you and your DD.

thanks all, the mother lives in another part of the country so I couldn’t contact her even if I wanted to. Not sure where he lives with his dad.

i think I do at least need advice from police and to let other staff at the school know.

Definitely police, you can get a community resolution order which makes the parents/police/school take things seriously without needing a criminal conviction. It also means if things get any worse you have a chain of events which no one can ignore.

Punching her and barging into her aren’t “micro aggressions” at all. He sounds horrible, and dangerous.
I agree re the police.

I don’t blame you for trying to stop him yourself by sending a message - hardly threatening on your part in the circumstances. You should involve the police and hopefully the school will start to take this matter seriously - good luck in sorting things out.

@SirVixofVixHall i know, probably the wrong wording but these were passed off as things that were accidental, ie “I forgot how light you were”. But in the wake of having her face grabbed they make a sinister picture

Get everything documented and cc everything to the head, the trustees and the police.

Boxcutters?

This needs to be documented as well.

I am sorry you are going through this but this will not go away and this has the potential to end badly for your daughter.

Contact children services and ask them whether there have been other incidences with this boy or his family, give his name, address etc. They won't be able to tell you for confidentiality reasons but it will make them do initial enquiries.

His mother not around? It would be an alarm bell for me, and make me curious to know what happened? What has happened for him to exhibit this behaviour? ( social services here).