Son has no friends

[Joscathouse]

Hello.
Don’t know if anyone can offer advice but my 15 year old son has absolutely no friends. We believe he is somewhere on the autistic spectrum. He is quite socially awkward and finds kids his own age very intimidating. He cannot cope with lots of people and noise as he finds it overwhelming. He does not attend school as he could not cope with the number of kids, noise etc so has been homeschooled since the start of secondary school. This means he doesn’t see any other kids and he won’t join clubs or anything like that. He is at home all the time and it breaks my heart when I see other teenage boys doing normal teenage things whilst my lovely son is shut away in the house. Any advice would be much appreciated?

Have you sought help getting a diagnosis and advice?

So painful as a mum to watch. Is he doing any online schooling with other kids? Wondered if a small class type set up where he doesn’t have to have his camera on but can speak or message might be more comfortable? Think there’s one called tute that works like this? Does he do gaming with Anyone online? Or see any cousins/ siblings? I wondered how he feels about it? Does he want to see people or is he happy with family?

unfortunately my son has not wanted to even talk about the possibility of autism even though he knows he thinks and feels very differently to other people. He was diagnosed with epilepsy when he was in year 5 at primary and he was dreadfully bullied and his then friends totally abandoned him. This bullying and the very poor treatment from his so called friends has obviously really affected him and so he doesn’t like the idea of having another ‘label’.

This sounds like my nephew. He really struggled socially at school. He ended up finding an online community based around Dungeons&Dragons / War Hammer which has become his real-life friendship group now. Might be worth exploring with your guidance?

He only has one cousin but he lives in America and I don’t have any friends with children his age. He seems ok with himself at home but he spends a lot of time on his own when I am at work (I am a single parent). He does have a sister who is also home schooled as she has chronic anxiety and had to leave school so it’s just the three of us all the time. I did think of looking into any support groups for home schooled kids and parents as i can’t afford any tutors or anything so have to do it all myself. I worry because I don’t have many friends either and never go out or have friends round here so he’s not seeing normal behaviours from me I guess.

Thank you I will definitely look into online groups-at least it would mean he’d be having some social interaction even if it’s only messaging.

What about some kind of volunteering? So he feels he is doing something noble rather than feeling that he's the one receiving a kindness? Could even incentivise it by offering him a small payment if you could afford it?

Does he like sport? ds has made a couple of friends through skateboarding. It sort of went like this: ignored each other on their wheels first few weeks.
Then a gradual grunt of a greeting. Then a bit more grunting at each other. Then one of them did a stunt and ds and the other girl sort of whooped and grunted along the lines of 'good wheels'. Nearly a year on and they're really good friends. Still tend to meet up for boarding, but sometimes go for walks without their boards.
Could your dc do similar?
Have a look at your local council home schooling pages. I used to be on a local one when I was home schooling, sometimes we'd have meet ups. Libraries are also good for looking at what's on. Would your son be into scouts? Or do you think he'd find it overwhelming?

Gosh that’s tricky. Does he have any interests, home schooling groups as another suggested maybe, also some places such as The Deep do home schooling interaction days so it might be worth looking locally. History groups maybe?

If you have any home Ed social groups locally, they are bound to be full of autistic D.C., diagnosed or not. There are also generally mixed-age, which can be easier for aspie teens.

hi Op - I just want to say that hard as it is with a teen - you really do need the autism diagnosis if that is what he needs. I have a child who is autistic - I think however he avoids that now - I have seen relatives who waited til adulthood and they had so many issues/ mental health problems that were massively helped in the end by understanding themselves better.

The problem you have is - it genuinely is not the same for an autistic child to socialise - and I totally get your pain as I see it with my own child - her needs are just not the same as other children

Firstly - what would his ideal social set up be? DOes he need that time at home to cope at school for example?

ALso just to add - sounds like a huge amount to cope with on your own - as well as home ed networks there will be autism family support locally (I have got a lot of benefit from local groups in my area) - I really recommend you go down that pathway - for your own support - don't wait until he reaches adulthood as it will be easier for you to access family help while he is still a child.

Get the two kids to a church with youth groups and some ladies group for yourself

Does he want to have friends or does he prefer his own company?

What are his interests?

Hi Op, this must be very painful for you and you sound like a really caring mum.

First of all - how does your son feel about his social situation? Are you more concerned than he is?

If he does want to make friends - are you on Facebook? If so, go onto the local parent groups and explain that your son is looking to meet other local teens to hopefully form friendships - I guarantee you will get responses.

Also join your local SEN groups - get support for yourself and your son.

Apply for an EHCP - it's needs based not based on diagnosis. IPSEA and SOSSEN can help with advice & guidance.

Put in a claim for Disability Living Allowance. Read up on this benefit ( it's paid to child, not yourself so be put off claiming it coz you are working )

Good luck!!

My dd refused assessment. In the end l bribed her with £200. She has situational mutism, but it was the best thing we’ve ever done.

Within a month of diagnosis, she’d seen a pyschologist, within 2 months she started ND workshops with other ND teens and was prescribed melatonin. She couldn’t cope with Y12 and we had all this evidence to fight the bastards in the LEA for an EHCP. Still fighting, but we have evidence and an understanding of things for her. She was relieved to get away from school and doesn’t want any friends at the moment.

When she does, there are local activities for ASD high functioning run by various places. We’ll check those out.

I sympathise. It is agony to watch.

DS, also autistic, had no friends at that age. Or when he was younger. And he always said he didn't want to go to clubs.But i did make him go to one as he was good at something. He made no friends there, but gradually I realised people were trying to befriend him and he wasn't picking up on the cues.

So I spent a long time teaching him the cues and explaining how friendship works. It isn't instant. You don't immediately connect. It builds very gradually through shared experience.

My advice would be to insist he tries at least two clubs or societies for a whole year. I had to encourage DS to go every single time, But he did enjoy it once he was there. One club for something he's good at or enjoys - coding, game design, music, chess - anything he excels at because people tend to like other people who are good at what they enjoy. And one for fitness - anything at all that he enjoys enough to keep him fit and out of the house. Maybe something with minimal conversation - a not too competitive swim club or cycling club.

Try and find like-minded teens - other high functioning autists or shy kids who won't be cool and bullying. Help him build self confidence - that above all things is transformative. He doesn't have to try and fit in, he has to be at ease with who he really is and spot when others are trying to be friendly.

DS was really painfully unhappy at how lonely he was but - happy ending - he gradually developed social skills and self confidence and now has four different close friendship groups and a really active social life. But I must admit, I put the hours in with him to help him understand how to get to know people and it was a very slow process.

It seems odd that both your children can’t cope with school for various reasons so have to stay home

Why? ASD is usually genetic.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow most children with ASD attend school

But the majority of EBSA’s are ASD

This must be such a worry - can you find anything that he is interested in doing either in person or online that connects him with other peers? Did he lose confidence during the pandemic too? A lot of teenagers do not seem to have recovered socially and can be more isolated preferring to stay at home.

There’s social prescribing for teenagers in my area. Would your gp have anything like that?

I'd say, the children who have EHCPs and are in the most appropriate school setting are attending but I know lots of ASD children, in mainstream schools, that are really struggling.