Y12 being bullied/excluded in 6th form - what to do?

[maxmaxmaxmax]

My DD is in year 12. She started the year with a group of friends. However since January she has been excluded from the group, some subtle, some not so subtle such as being asked to meet, friends not turning up, or turning up and then running away from her, mimicking her etc.

We suggested moving away from the group, which she did; another quiet girl with similar interests & a small group of boys. However She was then relentlessly messaged over the week by the ‘leader’ to come back, they were sorry, the other group were horrible, she should be with her true friends and hang out with them. Even some weird stuff, like saying they were the one being left out…

DD stood her ground, said she’d been feeling awful and repeatedly explained that she just wants to get on with everyone. This person responded that that’s what they want, they’d been friends since primary etc. So all good and resolved.
 
Except next day, it’s back to square one. DD asked the friends if they were up anything after school, no, all going home… she hears them talk about a group chat, they then walk off together away from DD and then later I and her brother happen to see a huge group of them all in the park hanging out. This is what DD suspected anyway.  

Challenge now is what to do? There’s a school trip to Spain for 5 nights coming up- main person and others going, due to year 12 numbers, she’d have to share a room with at least some. If she doesn’t go, she’ll be the only one. But I don’t mind either way.
And the bigger issue of now really not wanting to go to sixth form at all.
She has some SEN (which group know about) and is quite quiet, and currently saying she’ll give it a month or move.
Not sure how to support best…
Thanks 

[SiouxsieSiouxStiletto]

Does she have ASD by any chance? Just asking as my DN had the exact same thing happen in Y12.

Your DD has handled this amazingly well so far by cultivating another friendship and by just saying that she just want to be friends with her old group and not feeding into the drama.

How does she feel about the trip to Spain?

[maxmaxmaxmax]

Thanks for your reply. I’m sorry to hear it’s happened to your daughter too.
Yes, she does have ASD.
I totally agree re not feeding the drama, the shame is this one ‘friend’ in particular just won’t let her go and cultivate other friendships, keeps messaging etc, but then equally excludes her again.

Maybe it’s a case of keeping the peace, moving on and keeping her head down.
She’s adamant she’s not going to Spain, as she’s feels like a sitting target with no escape. I’m inclined to agree.
Such a shame as she was so excited for sixth form.

[SiouxsieSiouxStiletto]

It was my DN not DD but it sounds exactly the same, right down to begging her to come back and doing it all over again.

If it helps DN has found a new group of friends. Whilst what she went through was awful but she's now coming to the end of Y13 and is so much more settled and happier.

She's going to De Montford University on the recommendation from one of her Teachers as the SN provision is so good and so far, they have been really proactive. She's looking forward to starting.

[HappiDaze]

It's so sad when it happens at this age

Those friends really should have grown out of this behaviour by now and your DD is a million times better off without these childish people

Is it possible for your DD to find a part time job somewhere or even somewhere to volunteer to keep her busy and to make completely new friends

[HappiDaze]

Sometimes school trips are great for making new friends or it can be complete nightmare

Is her 6th form a really small cohort in a secondary school?

Are there any larger 6th form colleges she could move to instead ?

[mdh2020]

This happened to me in yr13. I ended up just going into school for lessons. My social life collapsed as I was excluded from the group. My older sister introduced me to an organisation she belonged to and I met my husband. Girls can be very bitchy. I hope your daughter moves on and makes a good life for herself.

[TinyRebel]

Do you have a local college? Our nearest one does A levels as well as vocational courses. The expectations are high and students treated as young adult - which means that they tend to behave more maturely.
No ridiculous ‘business dress’ codes either.
Honestly, I’d move her if you can. It sounds miserable.

[Phineyj]

Your daughter sounds very mature.

The group leader...does not!

She's right not to go to Spain.

[SeaPink]

They sound pathetic. I think she should go back to the quiet girl with similar interests and the group of boys and stay with them and grey rock the other group. She could google how to do this.

[maxmaxmaxmax]

Thanks so much everyone.
Really sad to hear others have been through it, but reassuring to hear your views.
I think the first line of defence is ignore/ low contact and grey rock. I'm going to share some strategies with her.
There is a local college which could be an option - I will look into that, even it is means possibly starting again. It's a relatively small sixth form, so not great scope. I think we need a back up plan.
It sounds like boosting self esteem outside is going to be key, volunteering or a part time job could be a confidence boost. She's got a hobby she loves, it's very individual, but I'm going to see if we can get her more into that via some other groups.
The saddest thing is that the 'ring leader' knows all about my DD's ASD, prior to this my DD had confided in her, as they've been in the same class/ tutor since primary, about how it makes her feel socially anxious but that she is keen to still join in, be friends etc. Just makes the whole situation worse.
Thanks again

[maxmaxmaxmax]

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto

It was my DN not DD but it sounds exactly the same, right down to begging her to come back and doing it all over again.

If it helps DN has found a new group of friends. Whilst what she went through was awful but she's now coming to the end of Y13 and is so much more settled and happier.

She's going to De Montford University on the recommendation from one of her Teachers as the SN provision is so good and so far, they have been really proactive. She's looking forward to starting.

It's so good to hear that you DN is looking forward to Uni - we've got some open days coming up, this will be a good distraction too as well as something clearly focused on the future. I'll also be sure to ask re SN provision. Thanks.

[Smoky1107]

My daughter really struggled at sixth form with friends etc. she was told no one wanted to be her friend it was heartbreaking. Through techniques at home we broke down the terms into manageable chunks like 6 weeks to this etc. she got a little job she loves and in year 13 met one friend and a boyfriend who are both very much still around. She's at uni doing her dream course and all those silly people are long long forgotten. I hope your daughter is ok she sounds very mature and lovely

[SiouxsieSiouxStiletto]

@Smoky1107

My daughter really struggled at sixth form with friends etc. she was told no one wanted to be her friend it was heartbreaking. Through techniques at home we broke down the terms into manageable chunks like 6 weeks to this etc. she got a little job she loves and in year 13 met one friend and a boyfriend who are both very much still around. She's at uni doing her dream course and all those silly people are long long forgotten. I hope your daughter is ok she sounds very mature and lovely

So pleased your DD came through and us enjoying Uni

[fruitbrewhaha]

If the ringleader in this bullying is someone she’s know for a long time you must know her parents. I’d be inclined to give them a ring myself. I’d still tell dd to ignore them but put some wheels in motion to reprimand this girl. Has dd told the school?

[maxmaxmaxmax]

I’m so pleased that things have worked out for your daughter, but sorry to hear things were also difficult.
It’s been another bumpy few days, but DD is seeming more empowered. We are going to look into a part time job too. Thanks.

[maxmaxmaxmax]

It’s a tricky one. I know the parents ish, enough to know it’d be pointless.
School are aware and supportive, but limited as DD doesn’t want attention to be drawn or direct intervention.

[Smoky1107]

I also had a hour with my daughter each week, either a hot chocolate out, a walk just time for her. We broke the year into achievable chunks. Like now there's a year left, seven weeks to summer holidays then relax only think about that not further. Then in September focus on October half term then Xmas then she's only one full term left and it's over It really helped my daughter and year 13 was a bit better, she says now she can't believe she's been gone a year and life is so different for her.

[SpikeOfAnnoyance]

@maxmaxmaxmax just stumbled on your post, firstly your DD sounds awesome which is possibly a reason these idiots to treat her this way. Secondly, have you contacted the sixth form head of year to let them know this is happening? It doesn't matter that they are 17, definitely tell them what is going on. They can help her and monitor it from inside the sixth form and hopefully also shut it down.