My 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend are in what I can only describe as an emotionally abusive relationship. It isn't just the boyfriend towards my daughter, my daughter is equally as emotionally abusive to the boyfriend too. They are both insecure, jealous, paranoid and controlling. They are at the same school.
So for example my daughter needs to know where her boyfriend is, where he is going, who he is meeting at all times. So he'll ring her and say I'm going to the shops with X and she'll start a fight saying why did you ring me to tell me that you could have just text me. But if he texts her she'll ring him demanding more details.
She hates it if he's meeting up with his female friends, and even if he says he's meeting his male friends she'll tell him he's lying. They calle axh other every evening but he'll be playing FIFA online or something so he won't necessarily be talking to her and she'll be like NAME - TALK TO ME! She'll question who he's playing with and if he puts her on mute she'll say who were you talking to, what we're you saying when he comes back.
He comes over our house and she'll even get annoyed and jealous if he's paying attention to her 3 and 4 year old siblings, or even our dog.
He doesn't particularly like her friendship group at school (which I actually partly understand has she's had major fallings out with all of them, the whole I hate them, we're not friends anymore but then the next week everything is "calm" again. She also went out with these friends and got drunk in the woods behind a park, which I only found out about because her boyfriend saw it on her Snapchat and told me as he was worried for her and knew I'd like to know). So if she tries to hang out with them at lunchtime at school he'll get arsy with her, shout at her, storm off, block her on socials etc.
At school they will have full blown screaming, shouting, swearing, name calling arguements in the halls, playground, dining room. Apparently it's so common now even the teachers are used to it. People know who they are just because of their names being screamed at each other all the time and will go up to her 13 year old sister saying things like they're arguing again, I've heard them do this, that etc. They will be late to lessons because they are arguing, they will refuse to let each other go into their lessons. They'll scream at each other to f**k off, say they hate each other, walk away but then continue the arguement over text.
The boyfriend isn't essentially a bad lad. When he's at mine he's polite, kind, respectful, good with the younger siblings but there is always some kind of arguement pretty much every time he is here as well. He doesn't have a great home life, his mum isn't kind, caring, supportive or anything. She calls him names, swears at him, tells him he's useless etc. And I'm not exactly sure what his dad is like. But he doesn't have any guidance, anyone to explain to him that his behaviour in the relationship is bad and not acceptable. He doesn't have anyone who will actually try to get him help with the issues that he's clearly got. While obviously I am there to do this for my daughter.
I've spoken to them both about things SO many times. I've told them it's ridiculous, that it's not healthy, that it's harmful, that it needs to stop but it doesn't.
Realistically they should split up because it is clearly a toxic relationship but they are 15 and they "love each other", they don't want to split up.
As a mother I don't want my daughter in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship. I don't want her to accept being treated like that - but I'm not blind to the fact that she is as much at fault as the boyfriend is.
I know if I come down hard, say they can't see each other anymore etc then that'll just push my daughter away, it'll make her dig her heels in and she'll get stubborn about it but things are just getting worse and worse for them and it can't keep carrying on like this. They are both year 10 so got GSCE's next year and clearly are.both being impacted at school as well so this could mess up both of their futures as well.
How do I handle this? How do I get them both to see that their relationship is unhealthy, toxic and abusive and that things need to change. Because I can't keep letting it carry on the way it is.