The right words to say to a teen DD with chronic self loathing

[stirling]

Because telling her she's attractive is not helping. I'm at a complete loss! She's 15.

She hates her physical appearance, feels everyone is staring at her perceived "flaws". Everyone being all the 'stunning' girls and boys at her school. Severe inferiority complex, keeps crying. Says social media is contributing a bit but not as much as the sheer beauty at school.
I've tried going through the stats with her, we live in London, more range of nationalities, it's a huge school so higher likelihood of pretty girls in any large mix of people...

Nothing I say or do is helping. She doesn't want counselling.

The right way to handle this? Thank you

I think you need to try and build her confidence in other ways. Maybe try and get her to see her worth isn't based on how she looks.
This is where I'd start, but teenage girls can be a different species, and so I'd also maybe talk to her about a new look. New hairstyle, new clothes, maybe a make up consultation might help her confidence.

This is so hard. I've got a 13 yo like this 😔

I tell her she's beautiful all the time but equally compliment her other attributes like clever funny and lovely etc

I think Altho it's important to not focus on looks girls do need to be told they're beautiful by their parents particularly mum I think

I never ever was by my mum and I was always shocked if anyone else said I was

Also as usual bloody social media has a lot to answer for

Dd watches these videos on tik tok of "perfect" teen girls with these ideal lives like they also seem to have loads of money too

I can't stop her really as it's harmless on the surface ie make up tutorials and shopping hauls

But can't be doing any good

Does your DD do any activities outside school? I think these can be a huge boost to self esteem, as well as meeting new people etc. My DD is also 15yo and plays netball, she has good self esteem despite not having had a boyfriend yet.

Hmm you could try a selection of second wave feminism books to give her. Gloria Steinem's Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions has an an account of her time as a bunny girl which is a good read.

It’s so difficult. I follow a guy on instagram who coached teens and he put a post up this week about how we’re all trapped in the same prison, thinking everyone is judging you but actually they’re not thinking about you they’re worrying about everyone is thinking of them. It’s a good message but I’m not sure how you get it across. The guy is Coachingwithwill, in case it helps.

Thank you everyone, I'd be so lost without mumsnet for advice and solidarity!
Yes true she's stuck in the suburbs and I work after school, so little happens in terms of outside activities.
Will look up the coach guy. Cheers all

It sounds a little like anxiety, feeling there's a spotlight on you and everyone is judging.
Social anxiety is not unusual in teenagers and your dd may be experiencing it.

Does she have a good group of friends? I agree with pp does she have after school activities? Encourage her to do things she can do and enjoy.

Talk to her about how usual the spotlight sensation is and how it is just the product of anxiety.

Amazon will have some good books on the subject ( I'm in the USA so will have different ones so can't recommend)

Thanks yes I bought a couple of books on the topic from Amazon

Had the same with my DD when she was about the same age. Nothing was right, too big, too small. I just had to keep on telling her she was beautiful but more importantly kind and funny and understanding. I also had to stop commenting negatively about myself and only positive comments on people on TV etc. DD was also very much into music and singing so I downloaded a number of body positive songs. A couple are still on her playlist and I often her singing ' I may not be a supermodel but I love myself'.
We also went to a couple of the make up counters for advice and was greatly impressed with the advice given, the positive comments on the great condition of her complexion, told not to wear too much makeup etc. I was apprehensive but the comments were exactly what she needed coming from professionals and not just Mum and friends.
She now has her own style, beautiful, kind and funny. All the best

Thank you lowther, very reassuring

It’s definitely social media driven. Back when I was at secondary school, in pre internet days, all the girls looked pretty ordinary - and that was OK!

Now girls have to deal with ridiculous beauty standards: filters, lip filler and make up techniques (contouring etc) learned from drag queens. Girls should not have to live up to this stuff. It’s so depressing.

Everyone wants an Insta-face right now. It's so bloody depressing.

I do tell DD she's beautiful but I focus a lot more on all the things she cares about and tries hard at. Art, music, animals, anything that's not about appearances.

So true, I really ought to take her phone away.

I tell you what's helped DD... when we go places (beach, holiday etc.) we talk about people who are just doing things for SM. Like the woman at the beach going into the sea for five seconds to have a picture of her laughing in the waves. Then straight out. We talk about the difference between pretending to have a great time swimming and actually just having a great time swimming. We swam and didn't take pictures.

There was one which was a total gift. We went to a fancy place on holiday and had drinks. There was a table of young people beside us who ordered one fancy drink between them and took individual pictures of them pretending to drink it (I kid you not) for SM. Then left. Why not just go somewhere cheaper and actually have a lovely drink with your friends?

It helps them separate real, interesting fun things from pretending to do things for the Likes.

I was like this as a teen and it followed me through to early adulthood and I’m too old to have had much social media. Certainly not filters! I still look at my face without make up and think I look pretty crap tbh but my DH tells me all the time that he thinks I’m beautiful.

A strange thing that helped me randomly was someone saying ‘you’re not ugly, you’re just not your own type’ it was honestly like a lightbulb moment!

I quote Tanya Byron saying in your teenage years your brain is wired to be the most self conscious and socially conscious it will ever be, as well as to have the most fun and impulsivity. Maybe read Blame my brain or something, normalise it.

And I try to emphasise being the protagonist in your own life, not an ornament.

Looks are one thing about you and you might have a skewed view of their importance (I'd avoid reassurance about looks, it matters little how she looks), but what else is important to you or about you? Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

How positive are you about your own body image? Its easy to praise them while putting self down but they will pick up on it.