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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Late to college everyday- wwyd?

19 replies

Blendiful · 16/05/2023 10:51

DD goes to a college in the next city, it's where she wanted to go and we agreed on the agreement she would be organised and go on time as it's a decent journey, she was adamant she would.

We are now at the end of year 1, she is late more often than not and we are talking an hour sometimes more depending on the day. She misses nearly her whole maths lesson which she has to re sit due to failing gcse at school. It will be a miracle if she passes as she's hardly attended.

She does ok on her actual course in terms of the work as far as I know.

I have been called into a meeting about her lateness.

We have tried supporting her by removing her phone, it has screen time on but if she can get around it or we forget to remove her phone etc she will stay up on it until early hours and be late again. Even without the phone she's late.

Reasons vary form not setting alarm, turning alarm off, staying up too late (talking staying up until 3/4am when she has to ideally be up at 6), taking a ridiculous amount of time getting ready.

Honestly feel like we've tried everything now and at a loss. So what would you do? Hoping someone has some ideas we haven't tried!

OP posts:
Lucyislooking · 16/05/2023 11:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CoronationKicking · 16/05/2023 12:22

Presumably you're paying more for her travel pass than if she'd gone to a closer college? Tell her to buck her ideas up instantly and get to college on time or she won't be going to that one next year.

Original poster
Blendiful · 16/05/2023 12:22

16 almost 17. She does have a job but it's minimal hours, minimum wage, her money never stretches the month.

Yes I pay for her phone, have taken this away before lots of times but it never seems to resolve the issue as as soon as she's earnt it back we are back to square 1 again, and I take it again and so the circle goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blendiful · 16/05/2023 12:24

CoronationKicking · 16/05/2023 12:22

Presumably you're paying more for her travel pass than if she'd gone to a closer college? Tell her to buck her ideas up instantly and get to college on time or she won't be going to that one next year.

Travels a tricky one as her dad works for a travel company, so her travel is actually free as it's provided through his work.

I have told her this though, and didn't know if I was being harsh. I've told her I will enrol her in a local college in sept if she doesn't get there on time. If it was occasionally or a small time late I wouldn't mind but she's missing chunks of lessons and it's a daily occurrence, she only does 3 days at college and one of those she starts at 1pm, and she even manages to be late for that sometimes!

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 16/05/2023 12:32

Shes reaching the young adult stage where she should be more independent, reliable and trustworthy. And she needs to be told this is what future employers expect.

I had a similar problem and to my eternal regret I tried to discipline her as a child rather than talk to her as an adult.

Call a meeting. Say you want to discuss problems to get them sorted, no blame thrown just brainstorming for solutions.

Is the course what she expected? If not, why not. Can she change subjects?

Did she choose this college due to friendships (going there) or bullying (not wanting to stay nearer)?

Is she regretting the tavel time and would prefer a nearer college? Is that possible?

Has she discovered she's not academic and would prefer an apprenticeship?

Does she have health issues, ie anxiety, panic attacks or depression, that she's hiding from you?

As I said. No blame, no recriminations. Just problem solving. Good luck!

Original poster
Blendiful · 16/05/2023 12:55

Pixiedust1234 · 16/05/2023 12:32

Shes reaching the young adult stage where she should be more independent, reliable and trustworthy. And she needs to be told this is what future employers expect.

I had a similar problem and to my eternal regret I tried to discipline her as a child rather than talk to her as an adult.

Call a meeting. Say you want to discuss problems to get them sorted, no blame thrown just brainstorming for solutions.

Is the course what she expected? If not, why not. Can she change subjects?

Did she choose this college due to friendships (going there) or bullying (not wanting to stay nearer)?

Is she regretting the tavel time and would prefer a nearer college? Is that possible?

Has she discovered she's not academic and would prefer an apprenticeship?

Does she have health issues, ie anxiety, panic attacks or depression, that she's hiding from you?

As I said. No blame, no recriminations. Just problem solving. Good luck!

Thank you. We have tried this or most of it too.

Told her she is needing to be more independent etc.

She loves the course, loves the college and her best mate went there but she's made lots of new friends too.

Her whole life is there now, social, friends.

It comes down to disorganisation, laziness and lack of time management. She stays up until early hours and then can't get up. She thinks if she's been told by college she won't get kicked off, it's fine to be late everyday.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 16/05/2023 14:04

To be fair I had a child like that. Shes still disorganised and time keeping is abysmal but she got a lot better when she left home (for a boy) and realised she needed to be spot on for work as that paid her rent which meant freedom from mum. She's now in a half decent job, which she enjoys and her colleagues love her, and boss keeps promoting her. Still renting but with two other girls. She's loving life even if she annoys herself when she's late for things she wants to be on time for but only she can do anything about that.

But that in between time was hell. I do hear you. However I do regret not treating her more as an adult although tbh I have no idea if that way would have worked either. I wish you tons of luck.

Original poster
Blendiful · 16/05/2023 20:03

Pixiedust1234 · 16/05/2023 14:04

To be fair I had a child like that. Shes still disorganised and time keeping is abysmal but she got a lot better when she left home (for a boy) and realised she needed to be spot on for work as that paid her rent which meant freedom from mum. She's now in a half decent job, which she enjoys and her colleagues love her, and boss keeps promoting her. Still renting but with two other girls. She's loving life even if she annoys herself when she's late for things she wants to be on time for but only she can do anything about that.

But that in between time was hell. I do hear you. However I do regret not treating her more as an adult although tbh I have no idea if that way would have worked either. I wish you tons of luck.

Thanks, it's nice to have some solidarity if no magic solution haha.

She frustrates me sooo much. She was seriously lacking a social life, and now that seems to have got so much better, but that gets better time keeping gets worse. Like I said not expecting perfection but an hour to an hour and a half late everyday, not waking up, and staying up all night I just can't allow to continue.

She also stays up late then walks around the house banging trying to make food in the early hours when we have to be up for work and the other kids school. All drives me bonkers.

I love her but I'm looking forward to her moving out as you say so she realises this stuff is not optional. The house isn't a free for all for all crap and whatever food she fancies at 2am, wifi isn't free, bills aren't free. And many other things. Ugh

OP posts:
BackAgainstWall · 16/05/2023 22:32

It’s like Chinese water torture.

I would sit her down and try to appeal to her better nature. Tell her she risks getting kicked out of college and how it’s affecting all of you.

Tell her the ground rules.

Then if she still doesn’t respect some basic house rules, do the following:

Stop paying for her phone.
Wifi off at 10:30pm.
Electricity off at 10:30pm or when you go to bed.

Fansandblankets · 17/05/2023 23:19

I could have written that but my daughter’s college is a 15 minute walk away. She’s still late nearly every day. She too is re-sitting maths (on Friday) and if she doesn’t pass she can’t do the course she wants next year. It drives me nuts, she can get up 2 hours before she needs to leave and still be late. She works Sat and Sun and always manages to get to work on time 🙄

Original poster
Blendiful · 19/05/2023 09:29

Fansandblankets · 17/05/2023 23:19

I could have written that but my daughter’s college is a 15 minute walk away. She’s still late nearly every day. She too is re-sitting maths (on Friday) and if she doesn’t pass she can’t do the course she wants next year. It drives me nuts, she can get up 2 hours before she needs to leave and still be late. She works Sat and Sun and always manages to get to work on time 🙄

Almost mirrors my situation. My daughter also works sat and sun. However she was also late to work! Recently though she's managed to be on time to this. She starts later though so it's a bit easier.
She used to be late going to school sometimes too which is why when she wanted to go to college so far away I was dubious. But she assured me she would 'sort it out' and wanted to go to college so would be more motivated. As predicted she isn't.

I do think though even if she was closer like your DD she would still manage to be late!

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 19/05/2023 09:30

I suspect t the real lesson is going to be to allow her to fail and offer no solutions or alternatives when she does.

HeidiWhole · 19/05/2023 09:33

Is it always maths she misses? You said she was having to retake so it sounds as though she could be avoiding that lesson if she seems to do well on the rest of the course.

greyhairnomore · 19/05/2023 09:35

She's nearly an adult with a child's mind. She needs to be able to fail and learn you need to be on time , imagine if she had a mortgage and got the sack from work for being late , obviously hypothetical but it's serious.

Fansandblankets · 19/05/2023 11:10

Blendiful · 19/05/2023 09:29

Almost mirrors my situation. My daughter also works sat and sun. However she was also late to work! Recently though she's managed to be on time to this. She starts later though so it's a bit easier.
She used to be late going to school sometimes too which is why when she wanted to go to college so far away I was dubious. But she assured me she would 'sort it out' and wanted to go to college so would be more motivated. As predicted she isn't.

I do think though even if she was closer like your DD she would still manage to be late!

Show quote history

Wishing your daughter the best of luck for maths today! I’m nervous for mine as she can’t do the course she wants to next year unless she pssses 🙄

Original poster
Blendiful · 19/05/2023 12:12

It's not always maths no, I think as maths is the early session every week 9am she misses this consistently. She's almost always late to the other one that starts at 9am too but as the lesson is longer she gets there for some of it.

I am trying my best to let her fail and face the consequences my issue is they don't seem to come! College don't seem overly concerned and I don't think they are logging lates correctly as their figures don't reflect what I know to be the reality! So she will effectively get away with it. And I just seem like I'm nagging.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 19/05/2023 12:22

I had the same problem with o e if my son's which was hugely out of character as he had zero latest and 100% all through high s hool.- not exaggerating. Within a few weeks I'd starting college I was getting phone calls about him missing first lesson, being disorganised etc.
At parents evening Ds was a wreck. Turns out he made the wrong choice of course for him. He hated it. As soon as he left that course he reverted to his usual happy, motivated self.
Maybe explore reasons why she's late rather than read the riot act.

DreamTheMoors · 27/10/2023 03:26

Blendiful · 16/05/2023 12:55

Thank you. We have tried this or most of it too.

Told her she is needing to be more independent etc.

She loves the course, loves the college and her best mate went there but she's made lots of new friends too.

Her whole life is there now, social, friends.

It comes down to disorganisation, laziness and lack of time management. She stays up until early hours and then can't get up. She thinks if she's been told by college she won't get kicked off, it's fine to be late everyday.

Show quote history

Hi @Blendiful

I had terrible trouble staying up late into the night, just like your DD, and I was about her age. Then I couldn’t get up in the mornings.
For me, my mum finally took me to the GP because I. Just. Couldn’t. Sleep.
I’ve had a serious case of insomnia most of my life - could it be possible that something physical is wrong with your daughter and that’s why she’s so late to sleep and difficult to wake?
My mum was frustrated and angry with me too until the doc explained that I wasn’t doing it on purpose.
Just a thought. I hope things improve.

waterrat · 27/10/2023 20:44

What about really focusing in on sleep.

She could try taking melatonin to bring her naturual bedtime forward. Is there any way you could get her on board with a focus on an early night at least before maths

I had to retake maths myself and i know how limiting it is not to have it..she will regret having to take it again

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