Sad 14 year old DD

[Lilo08]

DD was a happy only child until her brother came along when she was 12. She loves him but gets very jealous when anyone talks about him

she expects the same level of attention she had from before he was born but now he’s a toddler it’s difficult. If we try do things with her she gets upset when we keep getting distracted by toddler and then just walks away. Lately she is spending a lot of time in her room on her phone. She feels left out.
we always eat together, after ds is in bed will watch something or play board games. The difficulty is when it comes to picking what to watch she never agrees on anything we pick and dd can’t pick anything herself. Same with board games, will only agree to play one game and refuse other suggestions . Then it all gets messy and she ends up going to bed upset.

This evening we were looking at ds photos from last year when he was taking baby steps and was commenting on how cute he looked and got annoyed and had a sour face. She always does this and it’s coming to the point where we feel we can’t enjoy ds.
i didn’t handle it well and got cross with her, she got upset and said she just wants us to want to spend time with her without any distractions. She said she doesn’t like being at home anymore and is not looking forward to the summer holidays. She is so sad and I don’t know how to fix this :(

i am a silent member and have read some brilliant advice on here. I really need help with trying to get my happy dd back

would appreciate any advice

This is a tough one op! It sounds like she’s finding it hard adjusting to sharing her parents with a sibling. She’s still so used to being an only child and probably didn’t realise what having a sibling would mean.

It’s lovely you spend the evening with just her and focus on playing games etc.

I know it’s hard trying to balance time etc but would it be possible for you and your dd to have an afternoon/ evening together where it’s just you two? Just special mum and dd time which you could maybe start a hobby together or even just get out for a walk. You could maybe agree to do this once a week/ fortnight and try keep to the same time so she knows it’s your time together.

She’s currently at the age where she probably will spend more time on her phone and want to be on her own. As a grown adult, I know my siblings would have a bit of a moan and joke it my parents were looking at pictures of just one of us when we were younger and commenting on it. Could you maybe get pictures of dd out too and look at both? Comment on what’s similar about them and talk about times when she first started walking and talking?

Thank you so much Hiddenvoice.

I do try have special times with just her just not as often. I thInk i will try a regular mum/daughter time.

regarding the photos, we did dig one out of her and then she just rolls her eyes and says we’re just showing this one so she doesn’t feel jealous. I find she does this with a lot of things. Like when we try to spend time with her after ds is in bed we’re ‘using’ her because he’s asleep. I feel no matter what we do it’s not good enough
i do try ignore but it’s so difficult when feeling exhausted and find myself telling her off which makes it worse because she thinks we like ds better than her

I had a chat with her last night and she just feels no one likes her around and we’re all cutting her out. She cried her eyes out. I told her we love her and I will make more time for her but she also needs to try accept she has a little brother who’s part of the family

It can be difficult staying connected with teens at the best of times (13 and 14 yo here, plus 19 yo away at uni)

My advice is to find one or two things she enjoys and develop a shared interest. The catch is you need to develop a genuine interest in them as she'll sniff out any tokenism! Could be a sport she follows, musicians, make up tutorials, a craft, home decor, whatever. Two of mine are heavily dependent upon into Tiktok, so I send them random links to TikToks about these shared interests or ask them if they've seen the latest upload by X etc. It sounds silly, but it seems to lay the ground for deeper things!

Gosh, this is so tough. Excuse the bluntness, but does she share a dad with the brother? If not, coukd she had feeljng like you’re all a “proper” (biological) family and she’s not? 14 is a tough age. All you can do is continue to spend adult-ish time with her alone. This too shall pass!

Agree that finding a genuine common interest might be what is needed, but I can definitely imagine how I would feel as a 14 year old if there was a (in my eyes) uncomplicatedly cute toddler on the scene! It's such a hard age. My mum and I used to watch old black and white films, which was a really nice thing we still share, and my dad and I went to gigs. What do you do at the weekend? The age gap between me and my sister wasn't quite as large but cycling was something that worked for us all as a family as she could do it independently while I could still be involved on the trailer bike. There was a lot of divide and conquer between my parents though, with things like I'd be taken to the park and she'd be taken to an art gallery.

Part of it is also teenage hormones. My DS is 15 and seems very sad. He perks up when he’s with his friends and his teacher says he’s fine at school (I did ask about this at parents evening) so it’s just us then.

Try and make her laugh about a third party thing or event.

And try to take her out for a special shopping trip, just the two of you, once a month, even if it’s only window shopping and a hot chocolate afterwards.

It sounds as though she wants time when toddler is not in bed so she feels prioritised. You said she gets upset when you do stuff and you get interrupted because of the toddler, I think her reaction is fair tbh I know toddlers are full on but it should be possible to do something while the toddler is awake. While I know this isn't how it really is, she probably feels like all she gets is an hour once the toddler is in bed and the rest of the time is devoted to the toddler.

I understand dynamics is different due to the age gap but she still needs her own time. Can the toddler go to grandparents occasionally so dd gets time alone with both of you together that isnt at the end of the day? She's probably slightly tired and wants to chill out herself after school and homework. Or you take it in turns to take toddler out at the weekend or dd out at the weekend and spend time one on one?

I typed up a huge reply and mumsnet ate it 3 times!!! Here’s the shortened version

Dh is dds dad too and I think pp hit the nail on the head that dd wants to be prioritised outside of ds bedtime.
I agree some of it is also teenage hormones exaggerating her views too.
will try and make some regular dd time and will need ti take it in turns as we don’t have family local. Will pick up on some of the things we used to do together as I assumed she had grown out of it but now thinking about it must be because we were always ‘too busy’

thank you as this has really helped to see from another point of view and can now see why she is so upset with us

Some kids feel sibling rivalry more strongly than others. I'm a mum of 3 and my middle child has always felt it more than the other 2 combined. She is my only daughter, sporty, popular and gets top grades but is regularly looking over her shoulder at what her brothers are up to. Have you ever felt annoyed when you've been with an adult friend and you can't even have a conversation because their children are interrupting and trying to get their attention? This is the same thing and I can see why she'd rather go to her room.

It's hard for teens to tell parents what they want from them but it sounds like your dd wants uninterrupted time with you. Whether that can be done by you going out with her or having your son go out with someone else is up to you but it's important for her self esteem to show her that she's still your priority.

I would do something with her that is just you and her, and she can do something with her dad that is just those 2.

I would also get her some counselling, there are free ones that you can access online and you have probably had info from your daughters school about stuff that they can access. She can talk honestly in counselling about her feelings without feeling bad, and then process them and deal with them.

But the main thing I see is that she desperately wants time with her parents, like it used to be. She does also need to accept that life has changed though, so it is a matter of making time for her and also finding family things that are all inclusive for all of you.

you and her could go and see a film that the toddler can't see, then have lunch or whatever your interest is.

does she like climbing, or dancing, or swimming? what things can she do that you can do with her?

My DD is 15 and we have fun sometimes playing on the Switch together, Mario Kart, or Just Dance etc. You could do something like that with her once the toddler is in bed. It is good fun.

Then once you establish things that are just for her, ask her what she would like to do as a family all 4 of you, swimming, cinema, park , attraction, or whatever.

DD is far too old for soft play at 15, but will happily go around after a younger kid .

I can see why dd feels like you've scheduled her in if the time that you spend together is dependent on ds being asleep.

I don't have the same issue as I have 3 teens close in age, but I can offer a few ideas that work for mine in terms of staying connected with them... they all really want/value time alone with me/DH apart from the others. I manage this - just about - by seizing small opportunities here and there. My youngest (13) likes to come along and do the food shopping with me so I make the most of that and let her pick out one or two things, sneak the odd thing in the trolley, and chat as we go. My middle is working his way through a load of box sets and I try to sit down and watch one with him every now and then - even if I miss a few episodes I know enough that he can get me back up to speed quite quickly. Currently it's Big Bang Theory but we have been through Brooklyn 99 and the American Office in the last few months. My oldest is nearly 17 and we have a late night Gogglebox habit. Both girls will take any opportunity to come to a charity shop with me. The middle one quite likes very light kitchen duties so he will come and stir a bolognese or chop veg and chat for a bit. They also all seem to like it if I loaf around in their rooms with them a bit - just to hear what's on their Spotify, or chat about friends/school work etc. I know it's harder with a toddler. When mine were much younger I would park the youngest in front of the telly for half an hour and make a big deal of doing something else with the older two. And DH and I have always been in favour of 'divide and conquer' so taking a child or two each to break up the dynamic and centre the older ones a bit. Anyway just a few thoughts!

Lots of great ideas and good to hear others have come out the other side.

@skyeisthelimit i did try to get her in for counselling but at the time they would only offer video consultation or phone which she didn’t want to do and wanted face to face.
I will look into this again a

@WheelsUp i totally get how annoying it can be for her and don’t blame her. I do prioritise her but she doesn’t see it that way until I point things out to her. We save films or games for the evening just so ds doesn’t interrupt and then want to join in. Going forward I will need to make more one to one time with her

This evening I told dd we will be taking it turns to have some alone time with her, before I could even finish my sentence she said that’s all she wanted! (Would have been nice if she just told me that!)
She said she loves ds but can’t help feeling jealous when we and other people keep talking about him and she understands its natural for us to but can’t help herself feeling this way. I hope she can get over this gradually

i know it’s not an easy fix and will have bumps along the way but hope things improve. Today was a better day

DD was having counselling with a local counsellor before covid, so moved to online then, so when this more recent one was online, she coped ok with it.

See if you can get her to give it a go, they will have a chat the first time and she doesn't have to continue with it if she doesn't want to. The one we did only offered 6 sessions, but it was free.

She will need a private space though, where you and DH can't hear her.