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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Difficult teenager

18 replies

sissi17 · 14/05/2023 15:07

Hello,
I’m a mom of a 13 years old teenager, till last October I was a SAHM, I was always present and I used to help him with homework, if he didn’t understand a subject I would study it myself (there are thing that I forgot) and I would prepare a lot of exercises for him on that subject both on dry erase pockets, exercise books and online so he had the opportunity to practice, even before exams I would test him and help him a lot, and it paid out!! most of the time he got very good grades (he was one of the best of his class) but since last October when I found a full time job, I don’t have much time for him, he finishes school at 2pm, he stays at his grandparents till 6pm when we pick him up.
Apparently, he doesn’t do much during that time and here in Italy they give kids a lot of assignments/homework/school project, so he either do them in a rush without much attention or not do them at all!!

Most of the time I find out that he didn’t even note down the teacher request on his diary.
Also, he complains all the time about headache and stomach aches, so he is absent very frequently from school and even from his extra-curricular activities that he had chosen.
We took him to the doctor; he got blood tests and he is fit as a fiddle!

The worst thing is that he is very influenced by the worst student in class!!
He keeps telling us what he did in class etc, (it drives me crazy) he finds it funny, but I find it stupid, disrespectful, and immature.

Well, I tried leaving him alone, thinking he would feel more independent, but he didn’t study, when he is at his grandparents he goes out and meet the worst student and they play outside. I asked my in laws to not allow him to go out, but my requests are not respected, he often emulates his friend and does stupid things to fit in and seem like him (writing discriminatory phrases on his exercise book, forging his father’s signature when he got a disciplinary reprimand from school!! Etc etc

The last trimester has been a disaster, most of his grades are below the average, I punished him by taking his smart phone (at the beginning he was bullied by phone from some of his school mates, then he started doing it to others!! When I saw the messages and pictures I took his phone, after 2 months I gave it back to him and he promised me that he wouldn’t use his phone for “bad stuff” after less than a month he was doing the same thing again, so I took the phone from him and destroyed the sim card and told him that he is never getting a phone until he is 18!
I also took off his beloved Xbox and all video games (because would use them for hours and not do his homework) I tried setting limited hours for video games, but it didn’t work, he would sneak into the living room and use them when I am not watching him, so the only option left was to unplug it and hide it in my wardrobe!

He doesn’t listen, he doesn’t take care of his hygiene, he still doesn’t brush his teeth properly, they have build-up of plaque even if uses a big amount of toothpaste, same thing for his hair and armpit he still smell when he finishes his shower, still not able to tie up his shoe laces, he doesn’t care about his clothes …

I need help.
I am tired from work, I don’t have time to stay with him during his homework and help him as I used to do, he is not listening and not paying attention to his studies, next year is his last year in middle school and he needs good grades.

Please advise me.

OP posts:
Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 15:10

You haven’t mentioned once speaking to the school?

Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 15:10

Xbox…. Get the Xbox family app to control

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 14/05/2023 15:29

He sounds potentially neurodiverse to me with not brushing his teeth etc independently at this age. As you were previously doing so much for him he was able to do a lot better academically with that very intensive support than he can maybe do now on his own. And is now struggling with the stress of not being able to cope on his own and acting up to cover it up, so that he’s seen as being “naughty” rather than “not capable”. He sounds very like my son who is very intelligent but eventually was diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD age 14. I am a single parent with a very stressful busy job so I totally understand this. If you have to work, you have to work but I know my own child would be doing much better academically if I was able to be a SAHM and give him this sort of support. I would definitely investigate that side of things further, talk to the school, and personally I would not be so harsh on the punishment side of things.

ChrisPPancake · 14/05/2023 15:44

He's had a massive shift in his life though and you seem to be expecting him to get on with things as though nothing has changed. His mum doesn't have time for him any more. That's really sad.

Headaches/stomach aches could be anxiety related and not just a convenient excuse to miss school. From what it sounds like his biggest support system has just fallen away, no wonder he's anxious.

Agree with pp about potential neuro diversity - mine with ADHD really struggled (still does tbh) with organising himself for personal care and needs a prompt with this.

Original poster
sissi17 · 14/05/2023 19:28

We talked to school, they said he is smart but can do better, suggested to talk to the school psychologist but she is not replying :(

OP posts:
Original poster
sissi17 · 14/05/2023 19:31

My job is exhausting mentally, plus to keep it I have to do other tasks unrelated to my job, most of the time I bring work home :(

OP posts:
Original poster
sissi17 · 14/05/2023 19:39

I don't think he has ADHD, when he was a kid he was tested by 2 different and renowned child neuropsychiatrists because he had speech delay (we suspected autism) then after a few sessions of occupational therapy he started talking and everything was fine

OP posts:
Original poster
sissi17 · 14/05/2023 19:48

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 14/05/2023 15:29

He sounds potentially neurodiverse to me with not brushing his teeth etc independently at this age. As you were previously doing so much for him he was able to do a lot better academically with that very intensive support than he can maybe do now on his own. And is now struggling with the stress of not being able to cope on his own and acting up to cover it up, so that he’s seen as being “naughty” rather than “not capable”. He sounds very like my son who is very intelligent but eventually was diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD age 14. I am a single parent with a very stressful busy job so I totally understand this. If you have to work, you have to work but I know my own child would be doing much better academically if I was able to be a SAHM and give him this sort of support. I would definitely investigate that side of things further, talk to the school, and personally I would not be so harsh on the punishment side of things.

I don't think he is inattentive, once at school they studied the solar system during the last 5 minutes of class, he came home and knew them in the correct order and by heart, I was shocked, and there are other instances like this

OP posts:
cansu · 14/05/2023 19:51

Of your child is not doing well or is pratting around at school, the mumsnet law is that he must have special needs or mental health problems OP.

Holliegee · 14/05/2023 20:00

I think a lot of what you describe is normal for a teenager - and more to the point a teenager with a newly found freedom.

after a lot of tears and troubles I discovered the best way to get a teenager to agree to things was to feed them what they liked (not neccesarily food) rewards !!! Rewards work and if you are cunning they can really be rewards they were going to get anyway so you notice his grades have gone lower, simply say you’ve noticed this, you know what he is capable of and it’s better than this so if he pulls his grades up by next half term he can have a reward ( examples could be new trainers, he will probably need some by then anyway) maybe he can have the undesirable friend round for a movie night and he can sleep over (knowing their friends however much you dislike them is an advantage) - but mostly this is all normal and it’s also normal for mums to blame themselves when really it’s just teenagers and hormones!!

basically at 13 they stomp upstairs and come down only for food and money and if there’s an odd period of normality then grab it and enjoy it - then sometime about the 19 year old mark you realise that you see them more and they’re not really so bad 😂 ….. also, word from someone who has learnt the hard way removal of x box or phone etc sometimes becomes a greater hardship for the parent.

So1invictus · 14/05/2023 20:22

He's in seconda or terza media, right?
Regarding his homework, you can see on the registro elettronico what his homework is every day.
At scuola media, to be getting insufficenze takes some doing - are we talking 5? 4?
Have you spoken to all the subject teachers? About what he needs to do before June?

If he's only starting his homework around 6pm, then there are going to be days when he's not getting it done, or, as you say, not doing it properly. The grandparents really need to step up here and have him start his work while he's at their house. Everybody knows that Italian school kids have a lot of homework. His grandparents know.

Tough love- he's not doing the work because he's getting away with not doing the work. He risks getting debiti or even failing his year, surely? There are just over 3 weeks left and he'll be doing final written and oral tests now. It sounds as if you were doing a lot of the hard work for him if I'm honest- your involvement was more what a scuola elementare mum would be doing. He's inventing feeling ill because he hasn't done the work or has a test.

Make an appointment this week with his coordinatore, and find out what's really going on in class.

Hopefully he's in seconda and not terza with exams in a month's time?

Original poster
sissi17 · 14/05/2023 20:43

So1invictus · 14/05/2023 20:22

He's in seconda or terza media, right?
Regarding his homework, you can see on the registro elettronico what his homework is every day.
At scuola media, to be getting insufficenze takes some doing - are we talking 5? 4?
Have you spoken to all the subject teachers? About what he needs to do before June?

If he's only starting his homework around 6pm, then there are going to be days when he's not getting it done, or, as you say, not doing it properly. The grandparents really need to step up here and have him start his work while he's at their house. Everybody knows that Italian school kids have a lot of homework. His grandparents know.

Tough love- he's not doing the work because he's getting away with not doing the work. He risks getting debiti or even failing his year, surely? There are just over 3 weeks left and he'll be doing final written and oral tests now. It sounds as if you were doing a lot of the hard work for him if I'm honest- your involvement was more what a scuola elementare mum would be doing. He's inventing feeling ill because he hasn't done the work or has a test.

Make an appointment this week with his coordinatore, and find out what's really going on in class.

Hopefully he's in seconda and not terza with exams in a month's time?

He is in seconda, he won't be failing his year, he has the bad example in class of other kids from past years who always got this kind of grades and they still didn't repeat the year ! the school principal said to my hubby they don't repeat the year in prima or seconda !!
Yes I do check the registro elettronico and I even downloaded it for him on his ipad so that he can check his homework when he is at his grandparents (since he says that teachers always gives the assignments a the end and he doesn't have time to note them down. He ended up changing the password of the registro so that I don't see the bad grades that he got!!

OP posts:
Original poster
sissi17 · 14/05/2023 20:47

4 even in PE!!

OP posts:
So1invictus · 14/05/2023 20:58

You should have your own credenziali for the RE. Parents and students have different ones. If you ask the school office, they'll reset for you. None of the kids really use their diaries anymore tbh as everything they need is on the RE.

If he's getting 4 in ed fis, then something is badly wrong. Does he also have note disciplinari? What was his January report like? Did he have recuperi?

He may not fail the year but he's going to be starting terza very much on the wrong foot. And he has to make his choices for the next school in January. Where does he want to go? He's going to have limited choices with marks under 6 in anything.

LaDamaDeElche · 14/05/2023 21:08

sissi17 · 14/05/2023 19:39

I don't think he has ADHD, when he was a kid he was tested by 2 different and renowned child neuropsychiatrists because he had speech delay (we suspected autism) then after a few sessions of occupational therapy he started talking and everything was fine

He sounds very much like my DD who has ADHD. She also had a speech delay and was under the school SENCO and her ADHD wasn't diagnosed until the first year of high school. She also has problems with hygiene, doesn't write down homework and often fails to do it. Part of ADHD is hyper focus, so in relation to the solar system, when kids are interested they can intensely focus and learn things like that, especially if it's visual learning. It's the boring and the mundane that kids with ADHD struggle with. Perhaps something to consider.

Original poster
sissi17 · 14/05/2023 21:42

So1invictus · 14/05/2023 20:58

You should have your own credenziali for the RE. Parents and students have different ones. If you ask the school office, they'll reset for you. None of the kids really use their diaries anymore tbh as everything they need is on the RE.

If he's getting 4 in ed fis, then something is badly wrong. Does he also have note disciplinari? What was his January report like? Did he have recuperi?

He may not fail the year but he's going to be starting terza very much on the wrong foot. And he has to make his choices for the next school in January. Where does he want to go? He's going to have limited choices with marks under 6 in anything.

I managed to reset the RE.
4 in PE is stupid thing!!, his teacher even if one person act badly she would give 4 for all students!! or can't run X times around the stadium, honestly I think she is very demanding.
Regarding "recuperi" he would tell me mom don't worry I will make it up, sometimes he does and he gets a 9, but I think it is pointless to get 4 then 9 all the time, that 4 is lowering this average...I want him to get steady grades.
He want to go to Itis (Technical institute)

OP posts:
LUCIA22 · 16/05/2023 07:23

Sounds like my DS also who is 14yrs & currently being assessed for ADD. He swings between high grades & low grades depending on how focused he is. He is v bright but risks bombing out due to struggling with organisation & concentration. Forgets to do homework or rushes it, loses thing’s constantly. Gets v stressed by it all & it causes headaches, stomach aches & eczema. Needs constant reminding to do everything which is hard work as I also work full time. My DH says I do too much for him but I am just trying to keep him on track. Teachers get v frustrated with him.

Fleetheart · 20/05/2023 04:30

sorry to join the Armchair diagnosis brigade; but sounds very like my DS who has also been diagnosed with aDHd. the school need to help
you here, also you need to educate yourself about neurodiversity. ADHD has many more aspects than just variable attention.

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